SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can anyone help please.

I have read the last 2 months of my husbands texts but all have now been delted (over 12 months worth)

I need to read them all, I can't help it. it is consuming me that I don't know everything they told each other and so they still have secrets. We are in R but it is hard

I am in the UK, I know there is software you can put onto your computer which will download all deleted texts from an IPhone but does anyone have experience of which is the best.

It needs to be easy to use, I am not very computer minded.

It needs to be quick. I will only have a short time during which I can do this (dont want Husband to know)and there are thousands of texts 100+ per day

It needs to donwload onto computer not phone and leave no record on phone that this has been done.

My husband is remourseful and doing all the right things but he does not want me reading any more texts as he feels we should only concentrate on the future and not on the past and what he did whilst suffering from depression. that is why he has deleted the texts, but I need it for ME. I dont want him to know and set off any arguments but I dont feel I can move on unless I know as much as possible.

I hope someone can help me Thank you

Hi

I am in the UK as well so I felt I wanted to say hi. I hope you find the advice you need as I am sure someone here will know of something.

I totally understand your need to know everything - I think people either go one way or the other with that and I too wanted to know everything to make an informed decision.

You will find if you post here enough a new board will become visible to you which will help with this sort of thing enormously. I think it is when you get to 50 posts.

Good luck with your R.

xx

Gemstone,

Will send you a PM.

You might be able to get some of the text back, but deleted text are overwritten eventually, and especially after 12 months...I don't think you will recover ones from that long ago. Maybe a month or two, It all depends on how much he text and deletes.

I totally understand your need to see everything. I actually tried to recover the text from my WBF phone but I could never figure it out. Eventually I gave up and realized that it really didn't matter, and would probably only make me feel worse. Once you see those things, you can't un-see it.

Are you worried he's lying to you about what really happened? Or do you believe he's being honest about the details and just want to see it for yourself?

He isn't remorseful if he's telling you what you need to heal. If you don't straighten this out with him then you will continue to have problems trying to R.

If he wants to stay married then you are entitled to see everything and decide for yourself what is/isn't a concern.

This is rugsweeping. He's trying to limit your knowledge of his past behavior and passing it off as him focusing on your future.

There is something you don't know that he is trying to keep you from finding out about. It may even only be ugly words he spoke about you, it may be more than that, but he doesn't get to decide what you need to know.

He is not doing everything right. He's hoping he is doing enough right that you will give him a pass on the other stuff.

I agree with the above poster - it is not up to him to decide what you need to see, and how the reconciliation will look.

For one, him saying he doesn't want to focus on what he did and wants to move forward is complete BS. Well wouldnt that be super nice for him....he gets no accountability and doesn't have to face all those difficult, pesky feelings like guilt and devastation. You MUST focus on what he did.

Secondly, I think for a true R, it is not good to be starting off hiding things from one another (ie you trying to download his texts). Once you do it, you need to tell him you did it. You shouldn't refrain from complete honesty for fear it w ill anger him.

He should be doing every and anything you need in order to move past this. He doesn't get to decide how the reconciliation looks - that's up to you to dictate, and he can either comply if he wants you back, or not, and then you move on.

Im not sure about getting the deleted texts, but the more important take away from this is not letting him dictated how the R looks and what is focused on. Im sorry, but how dare he? Its just more manipulation/control by him. Not cool.

Good luck hun.

Can you actually download deleted texts I would find this very useful if it is possible.

Your WS should let you heal the way you want to. They have no idea how it feels to be the BS xx

Thank you all for your comments.

I think I know most of the truth of what went on, but can any of us really be 100%

Sorry pressed the submit button by mistake.

Nearly all of what i do know is after i found it myself. Opened his Ipad as he was on Iphone privately messaging a woman on FB.(not the one involved with) this was D Day. text her a few times a day - records show 100+ per day. Went to her house for Coffee !!! once - then i found another reference oh yes I forgot it was twice, then another, then another. promised me that her 18 year old daughter was there every time he visited, then found out that he went round when he knew her daughter was out for the day. Gave her £200 to pay off debts - then I discovered an extra £300 - oh yes forgot about that. Then i discovered an extra £1750.00 oh yes didn't want to upset you about that much money.

Bought her a birthday present, oh actually it was four birthday presents. took her out for lunch for her birthday, I discovered it was out for a meal on the evening.

Busy at work no actually running her around and spending the 'best weeks of his life with her'

She was just a friend - oh no she is his Best Friend, the only one who really knows him, the only one who understands him and cares for him. the only happy and good thing in his life. He wants her in his life on whatever terms she wants.

it goes on always admitting after I found out - usual story

I dont know if there is more to find but my wanting to read the messages isn't only about finding out if there is more, its because until I know everything they said to each other I feel that they have secrets from me. I dont know if it turned into a PA as well, I didn't read any confirmation of this but what I did read indicated that my husband wanted to be with her although he denies that is what he wanted. I know he said hurtful things about me as I read some of them.

If you do a spotlight search on the Iphone for a certain word it will bring up the first line of text even for deleted texts. putting in the words 'sex' 'hotel' 'love' etc always brings up the start of texts that were sent/received that must have contained these words but it only shows the first 7 words or so.

My husband was diagnosed with cyclothemia at end of April 13, put on medication and all this EA came to light on 1st June 13. He maintains that all his behaviour was due to the illness, and he is now the man he should have been. He feels that by keep raking it up, I am punishing him for an illness that he couldn't help, I don't punish him for his diabetes so I shouldn't punish him for this.

I dont know, he may be right, or he may just be like all the other cheaters on this site.

I am trying to be understanding but I have been married to him for 32 years and it is breaking my heart still. I am still struggling with it and although I have days when I am ok, I then get days when I can think of nothing else.

His disorder may have made his issues more difficult to manage but it is not the reason he had an affair. Would he believe you if you beat the crap out of him and then said it was your female hormones that made you do it? Of course not. He's responsible for his actions. Period. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Don't let your pain and fear allow you to accept anything less than the complete and total truth and his complete and total accountability. He has got you so twisted around and confused. You need to take a step back.

Also, it was a PA. I do not for one minute believe that it was just emotional. That doesn't make any sense at all. They are adults and he has been to her home several times. They have been having sex for a while and you know this is true.

Your WH is not doing all the right things. Not at all. And he is not remorseful, he regrets being caught. This man does not want reconciliation. He wants to get away with what he has done and he wants to have no consequences for cheating on you. He doesn't want to deal with how he has treated you and how that makes you feel. He is not a friend right now, let alone a husband.

Please read about the 180 in the Healing Library. You need to distance yourself from him so you can see all this for what it is. He is still lying and hurting you. Still right this moment.

I completely understand grasping to whatever little sign he may have given you that this is all over and everything will be fine. There were so many times that, gosh, I just really needed to believe that. It may end up being fine but not the way he's trying to do it. He's still hurting you.

Please read through all of these.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

Well, I'll give him 2 points for not jumping on the 'sexual addiction' bandwagon that all these cheating men just love to claim about themselves when they're caught with their pants down.

Does ANYONE own their shit anymore? I swear, it's like no one will take accountability for their actions anymore because there's so many excuses out there now to blame their crap behavior on.

Who knows...maybe I'll rob a bank and blame it on hormone decifiency.

If this is an iPhone try Wondershare Dr Fone for iOS.

This same software was used to good effect by RawDeal75 (see his separate thread for more details)

..................Kali