SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Once in a while I go back to JFO, General and Reconciliation and read there and mostly, it makes me sad.

I see a lot of desperate people and know with every fiber of my being the levels of pain they are going through.

I see people trying to figure out how to snoop on their partner, being in denial despite a gazillion red flags and suddenly 2011 and 2012 flash right in front of my eyes, when I was trying to figure out where OW lived, how to invisibly tape a recorder in XH's car, was following him around and was wasting money on all kind of gadgets to confirm what I knew all along.

I see the advice people are given - the same advice I was given and which was so true and right on but which I chose to ignore for a long time, thus delaying my moving on and healing.

I truly wish there was a way to take the collective wisdom of the members who have gone through this hell and came out on the other side, put it in a pill and give it to those who are just about to enter that valley of tears and despair. I wished there was a way to show them a glimpse into their possible future, free from betrayal, free from having to sell out to get the 'dirt' on their partner, free from abuse and strong to make their own decisions and steer their own lives.

Not really any point to this post, other than wanting to share.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 3:31 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

I don't go in JFO - I was way past that stage by the time I found this site. I admit I don't have a lot of patience - I just want to shout at them, "RUN!" and I know that's not what they need to hear at that moment.

Many times I didn't post because I KNEW that I would get advice that I wasn't willing to follow. I guess we all just have to get there in our own time and our own way.

It is so helpful to know that you are not alone in this horrible journey just by reading other people's threads.

NL

Reading those forums actually helped move along my decision. I saw a future of fretting and tracking the actions of WH, and I knew it would be a life of angst and pain. I saw the measures people would go to and I knew I would never have peace without doing all those things too (and still not have peace). I occasionally venture back but it's still a bit too triggery for me. I like it down here in D/S and NB.

The best advice ever, which is certainly not the preferred answer to hear at the time, "the only way out is through....there is no other way to heal - you have to feel it and go through it to get through it". And that's only after you've gotten past the JFO stage and know your path, or at least your path at that time.

I wouldn't go through that again for anything, which is what I think scares me away from anything truly serious.

so true,

A year after D/S I returned to JFO & recognized myself in the new members posts. I occasionally gave my opinion and realized it was a similar opinion I received when I too was a new member.

It was nice to give back, and in a way, it helped me heal a little more too.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 9:48 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

I go in there and get frustrated but then I remember how I felt when it happened to me. I'm 6'8" tall and I felt like I was smaller than a mouse. The world was terrifying. Life as I knew it was over. I would have done anything to get her back at that point and to me, being nice and making her feel safe (never mind the fact that she had absolutely no reason to feel unsafe at any point during our relationship) seemed like the only chance I had to make that happen. I imagine that if I had taken sound advice earlier that we might be married and I might be one of the poor people I see in the Reconciliation forum who is doing all the work to patch things up with a completely unremorseful cheater. Because of that, I'm almost thankful that I did everything wrong back then. Things certainly aren't perfect in my life now but they're OK. I'm OK. With distance, I can see how destructive my ten years with her were to me.

I think it's true that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. In the past few months, I've had the opportunity to help a couple of other people who helped me back then with their own discoveries of infidelity by their spouses. I'm a much more real and authentic person that I was before and it has everything to do with the pain I experienced at that time.

Unfortunately, some of the people posting right now in JFO and in the other boards will be broken by the experience. It's understandable. I never knew pain like I felt when my ex left me. Most, however, will come out on the other side stronger and better as people. Their lifestyles will probably take a hit and it will take them years to rebuild (I'm still a work in progress for sure)but most of them will get there.

Even if they can't fathom it right now.