CloudyBlue, I'd like to tell you a few things about my own life. I rarely tell some of these, but in your case, I think it may help. I'm genuinely concerned for you. Pushing leads to more, so I believe my concern is valid.
You mention that your H has had 25 traumas in his life. I'm not sure if this is an exaggeration, or a real number, but regardless, it doesn't matter if it was 25, 2, 0r 2,500. Abuse is wrong. He doesn't like himself for being a drunk, and he's abusing you because of it.
Before I begin, I am NOT looking for sympathy. I'm telling you this so you can see the trauma my life has contained, and that I still don't use these as an excuse to be abusive. I am a realist, and some think I'm a little too blunt (others really like that in me, so go figure), but I don't see a lot of value in sidestepping an issue.
OK, here goes:
At the age of 3, my father cheated on my mother - with my aunt. His younger sister told my mother what the third sister was doing. My mother threw my father out. HUGE uproar.
My aunt that informed my mother was babysitting my sister and I shortly after she told. She was around 13. My father showed up, drunk as a skunk, grabbed a hockey stick from the coat closet, and swung it like a baseball bat, smashing her in the ear. She needed to go to the emergency room. The police were called. My father was screaming all kinds of obscenities and was arrested. My sister and I sat on the couch and watched the entire scene. I still remember it, vividly.
My mother took my father back, trying to work it out for my sister and I. From the age of 3 until age 5, my father would sit in my parents room, get drunk, emerge and beat my mother, calling her names, laughing while he beat her. My sister and I watched, every single episode. She would throw him out, and then he would beg, cry, and lie, and she would take him back. At age 5 she finally threw him out for good.
From the age of 6 on, my mother, who previously had been applying for mother of they year I think, decided she deserved a life. She'd been with my dad since the age of 17. She was now 26, and it was the mid-70s. She went out, a lot. We spent weeks with friends, my grandmother, etc. Weekends with my dad. This went on until I was about 9. My mother met a man, and they began dating. He moved in. He was a great guy.
At the age of 12 he moved out. Just wasn't working I guess. I was crushed. This man WAS my dad. Yes, I saw my dad every weekend, and he loved my sister and I, but this man was the best. Made us drink our milk, wash the dishes, etc. Taught me about football, drove me and my friends to rollerskating, the works. His leaving devastated me as much as any 'real' father leaving would. The difference is he wasn't my dad, and he soon left the area. I haven't seen him since I was 13. I still miss him.
When he left, my mother went thru a string of boyfriends, some moving in very quickly. There were probably about 5 in a 2 year period. A few ignored me, one was nice, and one treated me horribly. Calling me names, laughing at me if I was upset, etc. Never in front of my mother. My grandmother HATED him, but my mother wouldn't listen. His name was Mike. I hated Mike, passionately.
At the age of 14, my mother met someone new. Nice guy, quiet. Biker, but VERY nice, as were his friends. Most bikers are, btw. They just look scary. Anyway, she really liked him, and that made her realize that Mike wasn't the one. Because my Dad had cheated, she never would, but she did as Mike to go. He wasn't happy, and during several 'drive bys' before the term existed, Mike would drive by at odd hours and 4 times through bricks through windows, once my mother's room and once mine. The other two were the windows. When the brick came through my window, he screamed that I was a (c word). First time anyone called me that. But, I heard him, so finally we had enough to go to the police and have them do something. Before that, no proof it was him existed. Of course, he said I was a lying bitch to the police. That really didn't endear him to them. We never heard from him again.
My mother married the nice guy. He is a very nice guy, and he loves me and I love him. He's not like the first man I mentioned, however. The first one was like my dad. Hell, he was my dad. This one? He was like the cool uncle. He generally stayed out of everything, I guess feeling like it wasn't his place. It wasn't for lack of caring, but he had no kids of his own, and just felt it wasn't his place.
Through all of this, I saw my dad on weekends. He'd go through periods of drinking, then not, then drinking, etc. It was always something with my dad. He would work night shifts, so he slept a lot. He lived out in a really nice house, in the woods??? so we would spend many days in the woods chopping and hauling wood. There are a lot of stories, but none that make this list.
As you can see, my childhood was not the greatest. In addition, we were poor. Really, really poor. My mom was working, always, but she had no real skills, so she was a cashier at a grocery store. We had nothing. For years, we had no car. Our phone was always getting shut off. We were broke. My dad's child support was to pay the mortgage on the starter home they'd purchased when they got married. He would help with clothes and whatnot, but never money for mom. We had a home, always, but otherwise, you never knew.
Now, for my own issues:
My first long term boyfriend just would not be faithful. We were teens. He had lots of cars and whatnot that were left to him by his deceased dad. When I was 16, him mother moved, and since the house technically belonged to his grandmother, he stayed. 3 of his friends moved in and paid him rent. I thought it was great - cute guy, cars, nice house, etc. He just wouldn't stop cheating. I called it when, on my 17th birthday, I went to his house unexpectedly. He was upstairs with a girl. I'd had enough.
My next long term boyfriend was emotionally abusive, and a very nasty drunk. He would push me, restrain me, say horrible things, etc when drunk. Generally I stayed away when he'd been drinking. One night, at the age of 19, he asked me to come to his place after I went out with some friends. I did, and he was asleep, or so I thought. I went to lay down, and apparently I woke him up. He'd been drinking. He nearly killed me. He punched me, kicked me, dragged me up the stairs and controlled me in general by pulling my hair. It was so bad, at the end, I literally had had about a third of my hair ripped out. I had a bald spot in the back of my head that was about 6 inches by 4 inches, and several other little spots. He threw me down the stairs. Thank God it was a split level, so it was only about 6 stairs, because it wouldn't have mattered to him if it had been 60 stairs. He was laughing throughout. He had left a phone somewhere off the receiver, so I couldn't call anyone. I didn't know which phone it was, and he never once stopped beating me so I couldn't find it. He put his boots on and kept kicking me. He choked me several times, to the point that one time I passed out. He wrapped his legs around my waist, and squeezed so hard that he squeezed urine and feces out - like a tube of toothpaste. This went on for nearly an hour and a half. Thankfully, a neighbor heard me screaming and called the police. When they arrived I was a bloody, urine and feces, half bald, black eyed pile of nothing curled in a ball, and, he was kicking me again. They screamed and he lunged at them. They sprayed pepper spray in his face and he never slowed down. It was a blind, blackout rage. I easily could have died. It was very, very bad. If the neighbor hadn't called the police, I'm certain he would have killed me.
My next long term relationship was with a good guy (finally) but he had issues with drugs. Nothing major, nothing horrible, but he did spend a little too much. Oh well, no one is perfect. We married and had two kids. When my kids were very young - pre-kindergarten, he was diagnosed with cancer and died 10 days later. No life insurance, no nothing. We were still quite young.
Enter my H. Things seemed like heaven for the first 2 years. Never one fight. I thought I was being rewarded for the hell I'd been through. I was in school to make a better life for me and my kids. He loved my kids, and they loved him. A total dream. His family was a nightmare, but I didn't care. He was perfect. Gorgeous, smart, funny, charming, loved me, my kids, my family, he was a great lover, and he spoiled me. About 2 years in, things changed. He began raging. His mother had warned me, but he'd always told me his mother was a drunk and a liar. She warned me that if he started raging I should leave. Well, he did, and I didn't. The verbal abuse was horrific, unlike any I'd ever seen or heard before. Such cruelty, using my every weakness against me, etc. I was in complete shock. How could my dream man do this.
Well, long story short - he's a bit high on the NPD spectrum. For years it went on. I kept trying to get back my dream man, and he would get worse the more I cared. We nearly split when I couldn't take it, and he got help. Things got better, and then he cheated. You know how that goes.
So, here I am. Sorry for all of that. I'm sure I'm leaving things out, like best friends turning on me, etc, but these are the bigger ones. I'm not trauma free, and I do NOT get piss drunk daily. I don't abuse people. I don't blame others for all of my misery, and I do actively try to improve myself constantly. Your H is drinking because he's a drunk, not because of traumas. Your H won't stop because he won't. Millions of people have stopped. He won't because he's got no incentive to stop. I'll get back to this.
If you think about the boyfriend that nearly killed me - this is why I worry about you with someone blacking out. He had no recollection of any of that. Not a second. He woke up in jail and thought I'd lost it and called the cops on him. They had to show him the bad filled with my hair, and then show him his jeans with my blood on them before he even knew he'd hit me, let alone nearly killed me. I was told, based on how bad the beating was, he would most likely go to jail for 4 years and be charged with either aggravated assault or attempted manslaughter. I actually felt bad that the punishment would be that severe and wouldn't cooperate. I never went back to him, and I told him the only way I wouldn't cooperate was if he went to rehab, counseling, joined AA, something, but he HAD to stop drinking, and I knew his sister, so I could know if he hadn't. He did, for about 7 years actually. His guilt made him quit. I still never went back to him, but at least he made an effort to improve himself.
You are in danger, each and every time he drinks if he is blacking out. I'm not being overdramatic. I knew my boyfriend, just as you know your husband. Yes, you have a lot more history, but my boyfriend was not a violent person and he didn't beat me. He had a nasty mouth, but that was it. When he drank, he changed. I stuck around one too many times.
Please, don't think this can't be you. It can. My father rarely remembered hitting my mother. A mean drunk is a mean drunk, and they don't get nicer with time. You should not risk your life.
As you mentioned, the verbal assaults are worse. Yes, I agree. My current H was horrible for several years. Just horrible. Not in front of my kids thank God, but he certainly killed my spirit. I had been nearly killed by a prior boyfriend, and the verbal assaults are worse. I know exactly what you're saying, and this is another area that you don't need to be there for. You do NOT deserve 8 years of verbal abuse. Yes, hiding the truth was wrong. Yes, rugsweeping was wrong. It was 40 years ago. Things were different. Everyone rugswept. And as a new bride, afraid and in love, I'm sure not coming clean was all you could think to do. Again, different time.
So, here you are. At about 32 years, you came clean. 8 years later, you are still being abused, daily. You are still dealing with rage, and hate, and guilt. At this point, it's not about you or infidelity. Your H hates being a drunk. He feels like a loser, and he is abusing you to make himself feel better. I would bet money on that. There is no point in abusing you, and yet he can't abuse himself AND keep drinking. Just as a cheater 'creates' a bad spouse in their head to avoid being the bad guy, a drunk creates a bad person to avoid the drinking being the problem.
*I ONLY USED THE CHEATER COMPARISON BECAUSE WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT - I am not trying to insult anyone*
So, what can you do? I'm sorry, and maybe I'm overstepping bounds, but you can leave. Or, you can have him leave. You do NOT need to give the rest of your life to someone that is drunk and abusing you. That is no life, even if it was just the daily blackouts. Add the abuse, and it becomes utterly intolerable. You've done it for 8 years. Please, for yourself, for your sanity, for your kids, stop. No more. He is an adult. He's been told by the world he needs to stop. You are in danger, and you are just killing time because your life, as I'm sure you know, is not a good one, not with a drunk at your side and abuse at every turn.
So, please, get away from him. He may actually get help then. It sounds sad, because you would like to think that your sadness and hurt should be enough for him to stop, but it isn't. To go back to a comparison of infidelity, often the WS won't be honest, or remorseful, and won't give details. They tell the BS 'get over it' and whatnot. In short, they will not help with the healing. The BS begs, and cries. The BS goes to counseling alone. The BS reads books, comes to SI, etc. The BS gives the WS every tool in the world to help, and the WS won't. The WS is hiding the truth, whatever the reasons. Finally, the BS leaves. Suddenly, the WS realizes there are consequences for actions. Suddenly, not being upfront and helping with the healing isn't a waiting game, hoping the BS will tire and just move on. Suddenly, they realize that the BS means more to them than hiding and not helping the BS heal. The WS changes, gives transparency, goes to counseling, etc. The WS didn't even realize the damage that was being done by not helping to heal, and only thought of themselves and the discomfort of discussing the A with the BS.
Think of a child. You tell him to stop jumping on the bed. He stops, for 30 seconds. You tell him again, stop jumping on the bed. He stops, for 20 seconds. You tell him he better stop, or you're coming upstairs. He stops, for 30 seconds. You scream to stop jumping. He stops for 15 seconds. You again warn him he'd better stop jumping. Now, what has this child learned? He's learned that he can keep jumping on the bed, because he likes that more than he dislikes being told to stop, so he just ignores the next 10 yells to stop jumping. The only lesson for the child is that if he can deal with ignoring the directive, he can do anything he wants. Not a bad deal for a bed jumper.
Next child, same age. Mother says stop jumping on the bed. He does, for 30 seconds. Mother again says stop jumping on the bed. He does, for 20 seconds. Mother arrives in his doorway, sits him down, takes his Nintendo system, tells him he has lost if for a week for not listening and for doing something he knows is wrong, and that if he continues, he will lose his bed and sleep on an inflatable air mattress that he will have to inflate each night, and then make the bed, and then in the morning unmake the bed and deflate the mattress. This child has learned that he should listen, and that it is not a never ending plea to behave. It is simple - for this child, actions have consequences. For the WS above, his lack of helping the healing had consequences.
For your husband, there have been no consequences, for 8 years. You leaving may finally show him that he cannot keep everything he loves AND keep drinking and being abusive. He must choose. If he chooses sobriety, he gets his wife and happy home back. If he chooses drinking, he gets all the booze he wants.
So, what if you leave and he kills someone. Well, you don't need to abandon him. He is a danger, however. I would take his keys, and even the cars if necessary. Tell him that you will bring him to any store he wants to buy anything he wants, provided he is sober when he asks AND when you bring him. Beyond that, he will not be able to get behind the wheel and kill someone. Also, with no one to abuse for hours on end, when he reaches these blackout stages, he will probably just pass out. That's what most drunks that are alone do.
I'm honestly shocked I just wrote this all out. OMG, sorry. OK, I think you know what I'm saying.
CloudyBlue, what you're living through isn't ok, at all. You don't need to accept this. This isn't because of something that happened 40 years ago. Yes, infidelity is bad. It's painful, and it hurts. That is NO excuse to be abusive and an alcoholic for years and years.
