SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some come here and read their BS's posts...don't like what they read..and get pissed off because their Bs is here getting advice. Why do they get pissed? Some are still cheating..so having their BS find different ways of checking up on them doesn't help them continue to eat cake..some just don't like that their BS has found support. Im sure there are many different reasons as to why they get pissed that their BS is on SI. If you read in General and JFO, you will often see threads from a BS talking about their WS not wanting them to be here on SI ( there was one last week).

Some are still in the affair..and they tell their AP their BS's username on here...and then they laugh at the pain their BS is in. YES. This HAS happened at least twice that I am aware of in the last few years.

Some are still blameshifting and gaslighting and TTing...and then they come here and learn how to fake their remorse..they learn all the "right" things to say to make it seem as if they get it..but they're not.

I don't know. There are many BS's here who have had their WS posting here and it turned out to be a bad idea and they can post their experience.

My experience? The three threads he started were either pity parties, looking for validation that he was right(he wasn't), or some other such crap. This was before he was remorseful. Now? He's remorseful, but I have asked him to not post here. I feel he violated my safe place by coming in here trying to make me look like the bad guy..when I was anything *but*. He has found other areas of support and I am fine with them.

Remorseful is the key. Ymmv

How could a WS use this site to harm a BS?

There is one member here whose WS told his OW about this site and what her username was. They would laugh at the BS about how *pathetic* she was.

And there was the BS who posted on this thread about how her WS took her posts into court and tried to use them to show that she was an *unfit* mother.

And then there are the WS' who have 'control' issues. Controlling WS' will do whatever needs to be done in order to 'cut-off' any type of support that the BS is receiving that may not *sync* with how the WS *wants* the process to happen. So the BS will have to listen to the WS denigrate and demean people on the site who have supported them and become their friends.

And then, as 545 alluded to earlier about me specifically, if anyone gave my stbx an *opening* where he could point his finger at me as the problem, then he was off to the races with it. My stbx received a lot of responses to his posts because I had been here for a while and asked for support for him and many were *hoping* that we would be a success story. One of the responses that my remorseless (and still-cheating, though he didn't *share* that little tid-bit with SI) stbx honed in on was one where the poster spoke about how the BS needs to *let go* of the anger and that it takes 2 to R....so stbx used that one response, out of the many that he received, to point the finger at me as the *problem*.

Not too long ago, we were involved in a bit of a dust-up and he told me that I better go and post about it to my internet friends and have them cheer me on.

A really big drawback occurs on the off-chance that the M goes down the tubes. Now the wisdom that is available in the D/S forum is kind of cut off because the BS can no longer freely post about anything D-related. Can't ask questions or talk about certain things for *strategic* reasons.

Courageous posted back at 305pm about how her WS printed off her posts and tried to use the comments others made to her, against her IN COURT.

In the early days I printed off lots of stuff for WS to read. One of the things I hoped for would be that my WS would want to post in the WS forum. Unfortunately many WS aren't interested in healing anything.

My WS and I read about all kinds of things. I felt for a long while that I was getting trickle truth from him. I showed him a thread that explained how damaging trickle truth is and how it's likely what causes the death of a marriage, not the actual cheating.

At one point I asked him if there was more that I didn't know. I told him I felt there was, that things didn't add up and I asked him to be honest with me. He denied he was lying. I promised not to freak out when he told me what it was, nope he claimed he wasn't lying.

I told him that if he was still lying it was the same as him telling me he didn't want this marriage anymore. He didn't want this family and that he was just too scared to admit it to my face. He said he wasn't lying.

Then he said- You can have faith that I am telling the truth because we read that real healing can not begin until all the truth is out. I want us to heal and I know you need all the truth to be able to do that. I know how much you need the whole truth and I know how damaging it is if you don't get it. That's why you should believe me. I want to get through all of this with you. I love you.

He said all that while looking into my eyes then we had sex.

Reality-he was still lying. He just wanted me to shut up so he could get his dick wet.

I had a total of 8 ddays with trickle truth over 6 months. The above happened in the middle of it all. I had several more TT ddays after that touching manipulative lie.

That big fat lie was everything I had longed to hear from him. I so wanted it to be true. He said it on his own and so I *thought* maybe we do have a chance at healing.

He also lied for the first several months of our MC. Complete waste of time and like gonna said above he would latch on to any criticism the MC made of me and harp on it as the cause of why we weren't healing.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:18 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

Well...

For starters the lawyer questioned me "so you like to take drugs and drink". Do you really think you should have the kids? All from a suggestion on SI.

Then it was WH calling me to tell me I'm a liar and that I'm listening to a group of jaded people. I shouldn't want him dead. This after I stated it would be easier to get over him dying than the cheating.

He used my posts as a way to question my mental stability.

Eta: oops! I started this post several hours before I actually posted. I didn't realize the "conversation" had already mentioned me. But just to add when my posts were brought to court they became public record. The judge saw them, the asshole's, I mean wh's lawyer, my lawyer. etc. they all saw what I posted. And it was a huge betrayal.... Again

[This message edited by courageous at 9:45 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

it seems that the WS' on the site who make the greatest strides in their personal healing are those who find the site all on their own.

This makes complete sense. Now I wonder, how true this is. Out of our WS's who made these strides and post (now and in the past) I wonder if they did in fact find SI on their own.

I recall a fairly recent situation where a WS came here at the request of his BS, and it was painfully obvious that he did not intend to stay. He started a "token" thread in WW and ignored it, in favor of trying to project a "good guy" image on his BS's thread. He was searching for the "right things to say".

It appeared to me, that his goal was to manipulate the BS back into compliance.

I don't think planting the seeds of reason hurt him. Who knows when they may take root.

I don't think it hurt him, to be exposed as less than the amazing mastermind he believed himself to be, and to learn that he couldn't pull the wool over the eyes of people here at SI.

Sadly and likely it wasn't enough to make an immediate change, because it was obvious that he didn't want to be in the WW forum for it's intended purpose.

So in the end, I can see how it is wise to advise a wait and see approach. It's just advice after all. In the end the BS decides for themselves.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 3:34 AM, March 10th (Monday)]

Hi

Many WS's,especially LTA's,if they were caught rather than stop A themselves express "remorse" and desire for R initially.

However,to have a LTA there is often a game plan and being caught doesnt always suite the gameplan.The easiest way to change that game plan is to be able to gauge the spouse's emotions.What better place to do that than on a forum like this?

financial and other issues are often discussed...plans to help give a BS some sort of foot on the ground again.To help them cope.

I know that if there was anyway to know how fearful I really was in the beginning and how pathetically weak and out of control I felt as opposed to the strong "gameface" I put up,my situation might have turned out completely different.

My WS never in a million years before DDay thought I would walk.Thought me codependant,unable to "hurt" my kids this way and saw himself as way to important in my life for me to do so.He certainly believes me now and this really made the world of difference.(I would still really not want to put my resolve to the test though,but he doesnt know this)

He would have loved to take his A underground I am sure as travelling has made this perfectly possible.This is exactly why I lurked for a long time instead of posting as I just couldnt risk him "knowing" how I really felt.

Now,I've had time to make my own game plan SHOULD I EVER NEED IT.And we can truely work towards R as I have changed everything about my situation by reading reading reading on this forum and realizing that NO one should ever be as vulnarable as I've been for the past 13 years.

Call me cinical if you please.I do not believe that anyone can walk out of a LTA without missing that person,regretting (even superficially) their choice to stay,when the going gets tough at home.There is still a lot of "pretending" going on to make the Bs feel better and to not put process of R in danger in the beginning.

And sadly,even 6 months post Dday,I really dont feel safe after posting all this even though I have 95% certainty that Ws is not lying any more.Makes me want to quit this username and open a new account...which I wont but it does make me think about it!

I am being honest when I say,I would never want my WS on SI.There is a lot of other recources out there.This is a "ME" place where I dont want to have to be guarded the whole time.

But thats just me.

I do also want to add, that I invited my FWH to SI. He didn't create a screen name until after, I talked him into attending a g2g.

The following morning he divulged the last of TT. This was almost 1 full year following Dday.

It was in my situation the best move I could have made. I credit his experience interacting truly remorseful and reconciled couples for that.

Their authenticity, honesty and humility highlighted his lack of all three.

My fwh reads from time to time, and has only posted a few times.

I think this is a timing thing and not a yes/no.

At first, my W had proved herself the enemy and I was not interested in helping her. I was looking out for me and thinking of protecting my kids from her. Why would like want to help someone I was planning on divorcing. In general, it is common advice, initially after d-day to prep for D. Take a step back from your WS and your M and look around at the world a little with them in your rear-view. Offering up your support line to them at that point does not make much sense to me.

If you WS does the basics (starts IC, NC, etc) AND you take a little time for yourself to figure out what's what, then consider sharing SI. My experience as a BS has been my WS needed more support than I did. Ultimately for her it did not come from SI, but she has had a harder row of it than I. If they need the support to figure it out, give it to them. Help them help themselves.

take care...

Let's not forget the reverse sitch - a remorseful WS uses SI as a tool for growth, healing and change - he/she posts in the correct forum and is honest, even at the ugliest moments, because they need help and are coming to us to get it . The BS doesn't post on SI but lurks, not because they want to heal, but because they want to punish their WS. They too use the WS's own words against them. Sometimes WS's need a safe place from their own toxic BS's.

I am torn on the subject of getting my husband on here. He knows about the site, even asked about something I told him from one of my posts.

But my problem is, if he comes on here he will know which posts are mine very quickly. And there are things I've said here because I needed to vent and not take it out on him. I don't want him to feel hurt by the rants I've had about things.

So we talked about it. He understands the reasons. I have suggested he find a similar forum for him and he says he doesn't feel like that is something that will work for him.

WOW! That is all I can say. I can not believe those people would do such awful things.

I think you cannot generalize this. For me, showing my WS the SI site and a few particular posts has helped us. He is not the type of guy to start up his own account on SI, though. He hates to write and share, it's just not his thing. So, in our case it is very good for him to see it. It seems to be helping.

I am a member of a website that has a marriage and relationship board and when they always suggested SI to people I was never even curious about it enough to check it out. Well, now I am here because I destroyed my marriage by having an EA.

once I started reading posts and seeing what I needed to do I did just that. I read on TT and told everything, timeline of when it started 4 years ago, it went from ea to pa to nc. Then 4 years later same person contacted me and the EA started all over again. I started from that point and I know it hurt my BH to hear those words, but it helped him. I told him about mind movies, I told him about SI, I gave him my log in info to be able to read and see what I post, to post himself, I gave him full transparency, I danced and haven't stopped.

we are in such a better place now because of SI and me in IC. I read the forums everyday and am constantly looking for that "more".

We rug sweept it 4 years ago and because of this place we are doing it right. I am doing it right doing anything and everything I can for my BH. He has no problems communicating, but I really wish he would come here because he might see something that I'm not seeing that I could do.

with all that said I do see why the BS wouldn't want thier WS on SI. This is thier safe place to vent, cry, get advice, support, anything thing else they need. This is thier place that they know they can trust because they feel they cant trust thier WS.