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I do think him being gone is the cause of this worry. He is projecting that what you have at this 2 month stage is "not enough" to weather the deployment. Is that his fear, him knowing himself, doubting you, afraid of the work, afraid of being betrayed again (especially since a relationship during deployment involves a huge amount of trust), or something else.

Yes^^^ a lot of this came out over the last two days. Lots of fear on his end. I wasn't too worried about it, but I think he is. He said something about when deployed, he is "all about the job" and afraid he won't be "enough" for me. Plus, what if we don't have something when he comes back and I've wasted 6 months waiting.

I don't fault him too much for having a litmus test relationship. Honestly we all do this. I don't feel like you are fighting a ghost (he left her and everything you have posted seems to indicate no wishy washy on his part about that.) I don't feel like you are fighting a ghost so much as a "best sex you ever had." Guys and girls (in my experience) reflect on the "best sex you ever had in very different ways.

Yeah, but what my fear is that his litmus test was an unhealthy relationship. I did this after my breakup with SO. I thought THAT "heat" feeling was the right one, and I compared guys to it for a long time. Until I realized I was comparing them to a guy who basically didnt' treat me the best. So, a litmus test is concerning to me. If the litmus test was a 10 year relationship where the wife died and all was glorious…maybe I would buy his version of the litmus test. But a one year mess of a relationship?? Nope.

Do you feel like he is communicating that he feels like he is settling? which is the exact opposite of "he's the lucky one." Is this a conversation he is having with himself and it happened to come out of his mouth? Again, I don't feel like it is a bad conversation.

He said the "lucky" comment when I said to him that I thought he was really cute, he replied, "I feel like the lucky one here." I took it as a compliment. I do think he is more insecure than I first thought. I see him as a good looking man, but he sees himself as "average". Being cheated on by most of his "big" relationships seems to be…unsettling to me. The three "big" ones ended in cheating on the woman's end.

I do think he was just having a conversation with himself last night…and it went wrong. Mostly because I did get defensive when I felt I was being compared to a ghost. He was probably trying to just talk it out a little and I heard "you aren't good enough" as a trigger and didn't get on top of the trigger fast enough.

I'm just now seeing I triggered. I think we were probably both triggering for different reasons. He is fearful about us not being solid enough to handle deployment…and frankly, so am I. I've taken the "lets see what happens" stance without really saying the fears out loud.

He told me he thought "his story" was bad until he met me. I know he has been through some shit. I know he has picked some woman that were not good women. I don't' know why.

It was the first really messy conversation. I played a part in not staying on top of my triggers. Blech.

Well, and to add to what I said earlier...sometimes when we don't have conflict in the beginning it can be a bad thing too. It can mean that we are ignoring the red flags or are choosing to overlook them because we are lost in the "heat" portion of the beginnings of a relationship. The fireworks are too loud and too bright and are blinding us to the facts of things that we need to discuss NOW and things that should be sorted out NOW. I know that I myself am guilty of this. So, the fact that you guys have communicated so well thus far does show a lot of maturity on both of your parts. The fact that he has opened up to you speaks volumes to me. My XWH would never communicate and shut down when it came to a "real talk." But, on the other side of things, I stand by what I said earlier that I don't think he is healed from his ex and needs to lick those wounds first before entering a new relationship....especially in this volatile time in his life.

However, I agree with the earlier statement that if he wants to revisit things later after he has had time to think about things, heal,and if you are both single and willing to re-visit the relationship in the future....than I say go for it!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:20 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

Yeah, but what my fear is that his litmus test was an unhealthy relationship. I did this after my breakup with SO. I thought THAT "heat" feeling was the right one, and I compared guys to it for a long time. Until I realized I was comparing them to a guy who basically didnt' treat me the best.

But, what if his litmus test is "JUST THE HEAT?" He could just be thinking about the hot sex. Maybe the unhealthy relationship has nothing to do with the chemistry. Maybe it does. Maybe not being on secure footing with her/tons of drama created hot sex. Maybe they just had unexplainable hot sex and he has that tied in his head to the unhealthy push pull of the relationship.

The best sex I ever had was not in the best relationship I ever had. Do I miss that level of "hot sex" while in a wonderful relationship? Not so much, because there are so many other ways of being fulfilled. Do I miss that hot sex while riding the bus for more than a year..... that is a whole nother thread!!!!!

I think you did both trigger. I also think the deployment is putting an intense spotlight on the 2 month relationship that is not helping. Some people run out and get married to prove something before deployment. (Please don't do that! lol)

Maybe a giant step back with no promises but continued contact is the adult thing to do. Can you guys take the pressure off each other? Talk when you can, look forward to hot welcome home sex, and see where it goes from there?

You aren't waiting around, possibly for nothing. You live your life. You aren't married or even committed. How likely is it that you will bump into someone in the grocery store? And if you do? Or if he meets someone? You are not the type to waste 6 months. You will live your life and he will too. In six months, you can have this conversation again, if y'all want to.

You both have stories. Who doesn't at this age? Can you let him off of feeling "responsible for you" while he is gone and see if he relaxes any?

Obviously, I am rooting for more hot sex....

Well, I think he convinced himself that was a perfect relationship until XYZ. "Then she flipped out". The connection was so good (for a little while). He spent 6+ months trying to get "that feeling" back. So, he is calling the "heat" the intense way they connected…not necessarily the sex. He seemed to really believe that once she "got her shit together she would welcome him back…because, after all, she was just flipping out. I mean, when you love someone, you ride out the tough times." While I agree with that in theory, I think it is MORE important that you ride out the tough times together. That seems to be the part he missed.

But, he also told me she had a lot of drama around her, and that he did not like. So, I feel like he is talking through both sides of his mouth. He wants INTENSE CONNECTION but no drama. And that, my friends, is the unicorn.

I don't have any answers right now. I think we did both trigger, and I am just giving the situation space. I need to be able to figure out why *I* triggered, and I kinda know. At the same time, I think we are both feeling a lot of pressure to try to fast track this because we DO like each other. Very much. But he is fucking leaving and we don't know what to do.

I am not sure if I say, "Let's keep this casual while you are gone" will make him very secure. I don't know. I also have the problem that I am focused on "one guy at a time". So, if he has some space in my head and heart…it will be more difficult for me to focus and get to know someone else. I just don't function that way. It would probably have to be a clean break.

I mean, I can't imagine meeting a new guy and explaining I'm "pen pals" with a guy I was dating/having sex with/beginning a relationship and we put it on pause while he deployed?

He wants INTENSE CONNECTION but no drama. And that, my friends, is the unicorn.

Exactly.

I wonder how many of us do this UNconsciously.

I want the looks of A, I want the hot sex of B, I want the romance of C, I want the financial stability of D.

It's hard enough to fight a ghost, impossible to compare to a fictitious composite of all the best features of former partners.