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I do not want to drag my kids through them but taking them with me or one of them or anything. I want to keep their life as normal as possible. They will not know any details of why I'm moving out, just that mom needs some time away to sort out her thoughts since she has been up and down so much lately. Or something along those lines.

My mother left (abandoned) me with my father after her A. I was given no details. For a year, I believed she was coming back. I was waiting for things to go back to "normal" Life without mom is anything but normal. She left ME in limbo while she "figured things out". In reality she had no intention of ever coming back.

She had already reasoned that we didn't "need" her and *I* didn't need her. My father was equipped to do the job in her mind.

I really hope you will rethink this. I say this from personal experience. Normal will be gone for the children. I was/am deeply affected by that.

Putting your kids into limbo with your BS has the same effect. The children will be in limbo with him. Limbo is a special hell for a child, just as I suspect it is for a BS.

And a BS in pain, isn't able to manage the emotional turmoil that the children will feel. I found an essay that I wrote in 6th grade, about how "my mother left me with the furniture"

I want to be as respectful as possible, and I hope that you understand that your method of following your heart, to get some clear thoughts, will come at a high price. A price that your children will pay.

I'm not saying this should determine your decision, but it should determine how you go about MAKING and IMPLEMENTING that decision.

Make the decision and commit to it, for the sake of the children. Before you make the decision, it would be best to get honest with yourself. If you are just trying to let everyone down easy, there is no such thing.

Don't put them in the boat of false hope with your BS. They will not understand why mommy wants to leave them, no matter the reassurances.

((confused and family))

it is harder to leave then it is to stay

^^^Totally disagree. It is much more difficult to stay and face yourself and face your husband and family each and every day...and face your actions, face who you really are.

I think most here will agree that it is much more difficult and painful to stay. It is a great deal of effort and hard work.

I truly feel sorry for your children. I don't care how "normal" you will try to make their lives, their lives will no longer be normal. They are going to be deeply affected without mom's presence. Been there, done that, it feels like abandonment no matter how you spin it.

For me, I know that I needed a catalyst to push me to make a decision to go or to stay.

When it really looked/felt/smelled like the marriage was going to end, I realized I didn't want it to. I was sure, then, and I felt all the remorse I'd been hearing about.

Moving out might be your catalyst. It may go one way or the other. But I'm hoping that you can at least come to a decision, because limbo is no place to be, in my opinion.

I don't think I've seen this recommended here, but Mira Kirshenbaum wrote a few books that might be helpful to you.

One is "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" which is kind of like a diagnostic manual of things that are really usually dealbreakers as well as things that are hopeful and if present the marriage could be rebuilt (with effort from both). It might be helpful for clarifying your thinking.

Another book which I think is not really appreciated much here is "When Good People have Affairs". Generally the author is very clear that infidelity is a really bad idea in many respects and discourages it. However it's also thought provoking about the motivations of why people generally stray and is pretty much the only book I know that really discusses the wide range of "why" behavior. Most of the time her recommendation is to stop and rededicate to the marriage but sometimes it's worth stopping to reconsider.... Anyway it may help you also put your feelings into some context.

I feel badly for your husband and kids.

He hasn't had a chance to remotely deal with his pain at all. He's been focusing on you. Your feelings, your pining for your AP, you wanting to date (cheat) on him and keep him in limbo. You telling him you don't love him, criticizing him. He's not gotten a chance to focus on him at all. It's all about you.

Your willing to leave your kids, so you can go be single. What does that tell them?

Don't put them through thus limbo. Set them all free. You're already putting yourself first. But let them go rather them keeping them on a string giving them false hope. Please.

Confused, this is my first time posting in a WS forum.

You're not sure why you don't feel "remorse". You've had yourself an MRI because you know your state mind isn't right with the situation. There have been various labels of personality disorders and codependency discussed as to why you feel or think the way you do. Mid-life as a possibility caught my attention (you describe much of the symptoms similar to it and identify with it) because I think this is a big part of my STBXW's issue, thus I'm drawn to your story. You are at least acknowledging there is a problem and you are trying to understand what it is.

He pretty much does most things around the house which has left me feeling very pathetic over the years. Maybe he's codependent? I'm not sure but we have been talking about that and I've stepped up more and said "let me do that". I feel like the 4th kid here.

That statement tells me that much of your own personal identity has been stripped away over the years. Mid-life can be triggered by this loss of personal identity and an urge to break out and find yourself or your role in life. Done in a healthy way, it's a mid-life transition. In a destructive way, it's a mid-life crisis.

He and I have talked about me dating. I agree it would be better to wait but I know myself and I don't like to be alone so while I can say I will try to be alone I'm not sure how long that will last.

This sticks out to me as well. This should be expored in IC. Why are you afraid of being alone?

I only suggest that the time, energy, and focus is spent researching and reading up on everything you can instead of looking to "explore" single life to find your answers. Other members have given you great suggestions on reading materials. Look into and research the discussed personality disorders. Really invest that time in IC. Do as much as you can to learn about yourself not only for your H or the next relationship you move on to, but mostly for yourself. I think you really owe it to yourself because this isn't cycle you want to repeat if you decide to move on. This should be your personal quest to really dig deep into the "whys" of YOU.

I've read enough stories in mid-life forums that those who do go through "crisis" version (typically lasting anywhere 2 to 7 years) in the end come to the realization of the destruction they laid in their journey to find themselves, go into deep depression and suffer a personal hell of their own unlike any other. Some dig their way out and some never do. We as BS go through own hell in dealing with betrayal but our paths are directed upward and intended with moving on, either in R or D. Us BS will get to our peace in our own ways and at our own pace. But if it is mid-life crisis you think you are going through, you haven't hit rock bottom yet. It would best to know and understand the changes you are going through so that you can manage and cope through the personal voyage of self-rediscovery so that you don't make any more horrible choices along the way. Because if you don't, those horrible choices will be a tonnage of guilt that will hold you down in the hole of depression, thus making it almost insurmountable.

IF it is indeed you are going through midlife-crisis, understand that it is not a reason for your A. That is the difference between a transition and a crisis. The A is destructive act. It's still that action that you fully own. Your husband is willing to work on the marriage then he is willing to help you through your midlife.

Personally, I'm not convinced (yet) that mid-life is what you are going through. I'm not even completely convinced that is what my STBXW is going through. The only one who really knows is the person going through it. There are several stages of it. Research it and see if you identify with it.

If you honestly don't think you can control yourself then you should spare your husband and go forth with D. He and the children can at least start their own healing and acceptance of it.