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WH has been a serial cheater for years, I have had faith in his pleas for R. They have been empty for a long time. I've been broken for a while now, but just started to take charge of me again. Trying to find my strength again, that not even he could ever break again. A traumatic thing happened to me outside of our marriage a few weeks ago, and he was truly my hero. In the craziness he said he was totally committed to me now. I felt full of love, seriously.

With the most recent OW, he said he wrote her a message months ago, saying he was done, I saw that she had texted about a month ago, he didn't respond to where I could see on the bill and tonight, I just couldn't shake that feeling, she left a social message asking what the hell was going on with him, to call her back because this wasn't like him. I guess she knows him so well after the few months they've known each other. There were no other messages, I'm sure they were deleted.

So what does it really mean? Am I just getting gaslighted once again; was his new vow of commitment in the heat of the moment. Or is it possible that he really has ignored her and she's just not getting the hint from the letter he wrote several months back? Just need to write it out, thanks.

he didn't respond to where I could see on the bill and tonight

This is when he really needs to tell you..

Hey wife, I wanted you to know I got a text from OW today. I have banned her number. IMO, what he did was bad behavoir. This is not about the OW.. this is about YOU and YOUR H.. transparancy.

But this is his choice to make, not yours. And he did not do it the right way?

Trying to find my strength again

Ignore your fears.. if he is going to cheat,he is going to cheat.

For me today, I see a message without my wife saying something. I go get a lawyer and lay the papers in front of her to see.. But I am far out from my DDAY and perhaps you can express your values of transparancy. My wife did exactly the same thing to me about 6 weeks past dday. Said nothing after I ask her to let me know.

I know it is fear he didn't tell you. But you want a strong man, yes? That is a good value. I want a man who is masculine, mature, not afraid to face his past mistakes.

Get the strength to conflict right now. It does not mean yelling, screaming, etc.. Not a fight.. but a conflict. Ignore your feelings.

Here might be a plan for you to consider...Just a suggestion..

State the bad behavior.. Take that bill, plop in right in front of him.

Try and place him in your shoes.

Say, If I did not tell you about being contacted by my X, you would not like. I don't either.

State your value...

I am only going to live in a marriage from now on that is most transparent. You figure out what you need to do in order to be most open to me today and forever. We have made promises to each other. We can continue keeping secrets or not. I am going to be a far better wife and you are too.

Maybe a consequence?

Reset to safety..

I am going to pour me a glass of wine. Would you like to join me?

When you do it, DON'T get rattled.. make it quick! No debate argue or long discussion. He will get it.

Perhaps he is allowing his fears to rule. A poor quality in any man. But this will let him know you are not messing around.. Strenght is attractive.. This will gain you respect. be STRONG..

Peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:10 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]

Tryhard,thank you. You have some really great points and I like your approach method. The thing that I liked the most is

Reset to safety..

I know you meant for the situation, though, sometimes one can not control the outcome of the others involved in the situation. But, making sure I reset my mind and space to safety, could really go a long way in helping me feel strong again.

Thank you again!

Hoplesslydvoted....I have been in much the same situation and I can honestly say the old adage of....if it walks and talks like a duck it's a duck.

My WH swore his EA was done on the 1st D day and then the others followed, I gave up trying to fight it. He believed she was his best friend and ever time I found out they were still in contact I was sick. We did an in house separation at the end of the year and didn't go back to living on the same floor of the house until January. I truly thought it was over, he was caring and loving and I felt ltruly loved. Little did I know. I started seeing random texts, which he would deny responding to and lie about.

I decided to get my ducks in a row and though not doing 180 take care of myself. That meant still spend time with him and sleeping in the same bed, basically leading a married life. But I put myself first, spent time with friends and did fun things for me, basically just let him know in subtle ways that I was most important and life would be fine without him. I let him believe that he could do what he wanted and I just didn't give a shit anymore, I was just here because it was a comfortable life and his income is good. It went on like that until the end of February. She got sick of his not coming to see her and being his dirty little secret, only allowed to text during his work hours. She got pushy, he didn't like it.

He blocked her phone number and her FB and became focused on us again. He became transparent in his dealings and leaves his phone lying around again and FB account up and open. he always lets me know where he is and many other hugely positive steps. The difference was astounding. It has been a month of true R and I can tell the difference. I am still putting me first, but I am making an effort to let go of the anger. I will never be as naive as I was but I hope we are on the road to a better marriage.

Trynhrd gave some great advice. Continue to ask for what you need to feel safe and make your needs count. You are worth it. Trust me you will know when the R is true R. If there is any doubt in you at all then it is not. (((Hugs)))