SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my struggle. Marriage and faithfulness were synonyms for me. Now they can't be. What do I do?

I don't want D. I want R but it is hard.

That's where acceptance can be so hard. Having to accept that your reality is not one that you chose or had any control over.

For me, it's realizing that life sucks sometimes. That people are deeply flawed. That in our lives stuff will happen that will hurt us deeply and none of us escape the pain of living. In my H's case it was the pain of CSA that he lived with for his entire life and which caused him all kinds of unresolved issues. Compared to his lifelong pain I decided that I can deal with the pain of his betrayal and as long as he is doing his best to grow and change that I will make the journey with him.

And we had to recreate our M; the old one was dead. The new one, I trust, includes fidelity.

I wish you the very best on your journey.

Reallysad

For me too... Here I am years later still married. Still dont understand how you can proclaim to love someone but cheat? My therapist said I will never understand it so I go on. If it wasnt for all he does for me I would not be here in this marriage. He provides well for me gives in to all my little whims and I also understand it has to do with his upbringing at home. Still to me no excuse.

What has helped also is we recently renewed our vows. The camera caught the way he looks at me. I never saw that.

Idk the pain lessons over the years.

Idk Reallysad...It takes a lot of time. You focus more on you. What you want for you, your marriage. Does he fit in your wants categories? Then you go to your needs and does he fill that?

I thank God every day for giving me the strength to stay in my marriage. It has been worth the fight. But there are times I yearn for the love I once had for him. That I seen he loves me like that gives me hope maybe one day i will.

Good luck sweetie.

I struggle with understanding. It's the thing my counselor is harping on the most. I'm so logical. And I keep trying to apply logic to my wife's affair and it wasn't a logical situation. There was no cause and effect. It was a pure emotional reaction to things that were going on inside of her. I can intellectually accept that. Feeling it is much harder.

However, in reference to fidelity and marriage be synonymous I don't think an affair has to change the belief. Although our marriages have not always had fidelity there is no reason we have to dismiss the belief that they should. The truth is when there was an affair our marriages were very broken. Marriage and fidelity are still synonyms for me. Now I just have to work on forgiving and accepting my wife's choices to not honer that.

I struggled with this when my wife cheated on me 362 days into our marriage with my friend and neighbour.

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be married anymore.

I still want to be together, just no longer married.

Thank you all for the support. This particular aspect of my struggle resurfaced about one week ago. Your words have been very helpful and I am grateful for the support I find here.

And we had to recreate our M; the old one was dead. The new one, I trust, includes fidelity.

We, too, are working on creating a new marriage and I do like the progress we have made. I trust as much as any BS can that fidelity is in our marriage now and will continue to be.

What you want for you, your marriage. Does he fit in your wants categories? Then you go to your needs and does he fill that?

Well, yes and yes, which is why I am still here. Working on R. Glad to hear it was worth the effort for you. I plan to be in that boat, too, one day.

However, in reference to fidelity and marriage be synonymous I don't think an affair has to change the belief. Although our marriages have not always had fidelity there is no reason we have to dismiss the belief that they should.

I am not dismissing the belief that they should. I still firmly believe it. It just means that to me, my marriage is not synonymous with fidelity. Gone forever and can't be changed. Working on accepting that and having some success but was feeling really down about it last night, hence the post. I know I can (and will or I am gone) have fideltiy going forward, but that asterix, that "faithful except that time in 2001", is a knife in my side.

I think I am sounding a bit whiney, but that's okay. I will be okay. We all will.

I did talk to H about this last night. It was tough to see him get depressed over it but it made me feel much better to get it out in the open and out of my head. I think new vows, not renewing old ones but making up new ones, is one thing I need.

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be married anymore.

I still want to be together, just no longer married.

I can completely understand why you feel this way. Your Dday is very recent, so you have so much going on right now. I am sorry you had to join our club, but am glad you found SI. This group has been a tremendous part of my healing.

I should add to my sig that we've been here before at the beginning of our relationship.

Reallysad

Might you resay your vows and start anew?

Then you can say it is a fresh start. I wanted new rings and all! It took me years to decide to stay an resay our vows in a church. I truly thought I would be divorcing him. But when I looked at the whole picture he fit everything I need minus his cheating. I know longer think about it daily or weekly. I am to busy starting my new life.

I hope you get to where you can be happy you stayed an fought for your marriage and family. Hugs sweetie.