SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We all know who the child is in your relationship. The child is the one with no boundaries, no empathy for others, no self-control, selfish and entitled. He sounds like NPD, to the extreme. There's very little hope for those type of people. They have no heart.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 12:49 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

Fool Me: Of course you care...that's why we're all here. Because we care so much about those that didn't care enough to protect us.

I have always been faithful. Even when dating as a younger man. Never cheated once. Always honorable. I know most here tell the same story. The reality is that the selfish ones don't have to be here because they have their fantasy messes to keep them warm....fools I say. (Exceptions to WS in other forum that are legitimately trying to repent....props to you).

He's responded:

"I have been faithful. Just because you act like your mom does not mean I act like your day. You can draw what ever conclusion you want. Some one gave me a pin. I have no use for a pin so I gave it to someone else they really liked it and thought I picked it out and bought it for them I did not. You can't just assume I'm cheating. I rearranged my life to try and work better with you. I stopped to home work at home to be with my family and you withdrew. The more I started being home and not doing homework you started doing more and more to not spend time with me and Dd as a family. Blam who you want for what you want but i quit everything to work on our family!

See this is what happens. We start to do good then you convince your self I'm cheating you pull away. I'm not doing the things you think I'm doing but you convince your self I am. Then you start to get over we start to get close something happens and you convince your self I'm cheating again then you pull away again. But the problem is I'm not cheating!!!

So I do believe you are exhausted of it but you are making most of it up in your head.

I live in a prison. I go to school I got to the hospital I got to the gym sometimes I go to J's and I go home. Home is my escape. You are my escape from prison. But your an emotional closed box. The only person I can escape with won't communicate with me. We can't agree on how to raise our child. That's a huge problem between us. We can't agree on our standards of livings. We can't agree in groceries. We can't agree on how to clean our cloths. I don't have any friends other than J and school friends. I don't flirt with people at school I'm nice to everyone some people take it as flirting but most just take it as me being nice. But generally girls leave me the hell alone!!! You find little things that are upsetting and your escalate them into huge deals and convince your self I'm being unfaithful. I'm not I'm home more than ever and I'm really present when I'm home for once. Your the absent one this time not me!"

End text.

Damn, he's good. That's just enough to be believable and something my stbx would say.

I'm so sorry hun. I hate this damned ride.

Sounds like the gaslighting being done is using "laughing" gas because I ain't buying it. Why would he keep a letter in the first place? Because he already did this before why wouldn't he be proactive and tell you about the pin and letter to begin with? Looks like duck, sounds like a duck, walks lie a duck....must be a duck. Just saying.

Justin and whiteflower,

His story makes not sense. Her letter says "I couldn't wait to try it out. I have a lot of work to do. I need more practice and patience". So, does she not know how to write with a pen? Or maybe he literally meant a pin...so does she need practice pinning this pin to her shirt???

And if it was nothing, why did he keep this note folded neatly in his wallet for 3 months?

I'm not buying it. and I don't want to go home. If I could have someone get my dd tongith, I would just rent a hotel to think and relax ALONE.

[This message edited by Foolme1 at 2:12 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

What are you still doing with this man??

He has cheated on you so many times. Its nothing short of abusive. He is a serial cheater

I really hope you get that apartment and file for divorce. You are so young, and have so many years ahead of you, and they should not be spent

with a man who doesn't respect you.

As to his response....well we all know its BS. Just the standard shit. There is NO QUESTION he cheated. She referenced "us" and "You are wonderful!!!". He SAVED the note and HID IT. In one breath he is denying cheating, yet in the same breath is giving excuses (for the "non cheating"?) --- you not being there, isolating yourself, being closed off, having friction. So transparent, so stupid, SO ABUSIVE

Have you checked his computer? I suspect he cheats online, via online dating sites, in addition to at school. That would be my guess. Uses his phone. Probably has lots of downtime at school to do so. Im curious what his phone/ pc would reveal. But not that it really matters. You have clear evidence.

If I were you, I wouldn't even respond. Is there somewhere you can stay until May 1? Will he leave?

HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE...too many years, too many chances. Even when your daughter's happiness is at stake.

Did you find anything in the bank account that could be the gift? (not that it really matters I suppose)

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 2:18 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

Well sadly you have the WS who loves you but loves to love other people too. Thats it in a nutshell. And I am not saying it is romantic love, he loves you like a sibling or a parent, thats why this one is so hard for a BS to figure out cuz you have someone who is saying "I want to stay and I love you and I want to make it work" yet also continuously doing inappropriate things and cheating and manipulating and "blaming". Its the classic cake eater. These are the hardest to get rid of as they tell you one thing and do another. And then blame you.

So sadly the only way it stops is if you stop it. So I would cut him off, stop taking texts and emails and phone calls. Believe in you and stand firm. Its hard I know but it is the only way you will break free from this type.

ShiningAutumn....this was my breaking point with him. Its a shame it took THIS MUCH to be my breaking poitn. It should have been 2 years ago when I caughter him texting her saying "Hi Beautiful". I check hsi computer all the time. I try to find other email accts that he may have, because I know he does. I've checked his icloud acct, and there are pictures in there that i have never seen that I know he sends to other people, possibly her. Were already divorced, so no paperwork there. I signed my lease yesterday, in MY name only (And I have to say, I'm excited because they are considered luxury apartments EEK!!!!)so he has not rights to that apartment. He alwasy turns this around on me. ALWAYS. My bank account did'nt show anything. Mostly just two withdraawals, one for $60, the other for $100. So who knows what he spend it on (I know its him because I never keep cash on me).

REality bites, I didn't respond to him. His response to my non-response is that its nice having a serious conversations with a child. He knows that pisses me off, so he always resorts to calling me that. So sick and tired of his shit. I'm thinking about going to stya wiht an aunt for a few months until my lease is up. I will pack up my apartment (things I dont want him stealing), pay the retn (because lease is in my name), he can stay there, then I will move in to my new place when the lease is up here, and he can go his own way. I just worry about uprooting my duaghter.

My bank account didn't show anything. Mostly just two withdraawals, one for $60, the other for $100

Foolme, I'm not sure if this means he can access your account or if it's joint. Either way, please consider separating your finances right away.

Never, it is a joint account, but I am already working on separating our finances today.

His story doesn't jive with me either.

But regardless, you've been through enough. You said it yourself.

I'm done with a relationship that I know I will never trust. this is not what I want for my life, and its not what I want for dd.

You don't need hard proof, you don't need to stay in a marriage where you have been cheated on so many times. You do know that your life will be better without this man in it. I think all of the proven cheating has allowed you to distance yourself to a point where you are finally ready to say goodbye without hard proof.

Some one gave me a pin. I have no use for a pin so I gave it to someone else they really liked it and thought I picked it out and bought it for them I did not.

Interesting he didn't think of giving the "pin" to you. He didn't address giving it to a woman and her wonderful thank you note that makes her seem oh so special. And of course he SAVED it. Who would give him a pin appropriate to give to a woman? It must have been for a woman if she thought he picked it out for her!

Also interesting he attacks you as a child when you call him out on his behavior. Don't respond when he starts down that line. Tell him, I'm sorry, stop trying to change the subject to me, right now we are talking about YOU and my concerns.

How sad he feels he is in prison....if he had real boundaries he would know what married life is. (Did you re-marry him or just living together now?)

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:11 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

I'm thinking about going to stya wiht an aunt for a few months until my lease is up. I will pack up my apartment (things I dont want him stealing), pay the retn (because lease is in my name), he can stay there, then I will move in to my new place when the lease is up here, and he can go his own way. I just worry about uprooting my duaghter.

Now that is a good plan.

your daughter will be FINE. Yes it will be hard and an adjustment for her. But whats even harder is 2 parents living together unhappy, not respecting each other, and seeing her mother treated as a dormat and continuously abused by a serial cheater.

As long as you shower your daughter with love, give her age appropriate explanation, and done bad-mouth her father to her she will be FINE. She will even be BETTER than if you stay together.

Please keep us posted. Please keep posting so you don't get weak and go back to him. Go to your aunts!

dreading going home. I choose not to talk to him, especially in front of my daughter, about this. And because I will refuse to talk to him or make eye contact with him, he will call me a child. I just hate the tension that is caused. I'm not good at confrontation, so that makes things worse. Luckily, I have plans after work, but I still have to go home. I'm not afraid of him. I just don't want to talk to him. About anything. In my state, I cannot just kick him out, even though he is not on the lease. I have to give him 30 days. SO FRUSTRATING

momentintime,

My best friend said the same thing you said: He thought of giving this Pin to another woman, but not me...and he SAVED his note??? Dont worry, I aint buyin it. He attacks me as a child because he knows that a soft spot for me.

I did not re-marry him, and I never had the desire to re-marry him, thank God. WE sitll have our custody and child support order from the divorce, so I don't have to waste anymore money on a lawyer. We can literally just break up, nad move on. No legal crap.

ShiningAutumn: I know, you are right. I will miss the comfort of my home, but this is only temporary.

Tell him to re read the note and come with a better explanation cuz his "don't fly". The other stuff he said was done to change the subject off the note and distract you.

I would put focus back on the note and ask who it was etc.

Why can't you kick him out?

If the lease is in your name, and you aren't married, how can he have a right to be there except by your good grace?

Do you have something in writing letting him be there?

Stay strong. It will be oh so much better for your daughter to have a good example to follow when she gets older than to see you take abuse like this from her father and think it is OK.

You are young and so is she.

You will be fine and she will be fine.

I agree with you when you asked why she needed to practice with it.

Good luck to you, I hope you can find some peace.

Don't give him half the money in your account; he has done nothing to deserve it and has betrayed your trust frequently. Consider withholding the money as a fine; for wasting your time when you could have done so much more with your life.