SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I believe I was far too easy on my WBF, and in the past, my WH. I don't know if it would have changed the outcome of their actions, had I been harder. I believe I handled things the best I could. I guess you could say I handled them with a reflection of who I am. As time has progressed, I've grown, and changed my attitude, and so our "story" changes.

I believe we all eventually reach our "outcome". But just as no two stories here are the same, nor are the people. I try not to look at others stories here, and wish mine was more like theirs. I know better. We do what we are capable of at that moment.

On the other hand... I do have those fantasies where I was a complete and utter hard ass, kicked his butt to the curb, and am now living with peace and happiness, alone. But....sigh....I snap out of it and realize I like life better with him in it...and I don't want this to change who I am, so I'm ok with how I've handled things.

We are ALL hurting. I know my WBF is hurting, along with me. Being harder on him wont help. I think sometimes we wish we could go back and change how we did things, in hopes that it will make today better. The problem is.... no matter what we do, we can't change the lies and betrayals. It won't go away. We just need to take things one day at a time, and work towards a better tomorrow.

This is something I think about often, and it causes a lot of bitterness in me. I hope in time that bitterness and resentment will go away.

I absolutely regret the way that I handled things. I begged and pleaded with WBF to stay. He was planning on moving in with OW, she had her basement all ready for him, apparently. I begged and begged, and I assured him that I would "get over it" and that I would never bring it up and that I forgave him already and that I understood. I kept 90% of my feelings hidden. I cried every minute that he wasn't around and didn't let him know. I was scared to let him know, because he would have left.

For me it's not about being "hard" on WBF, it's about feeling like a pathetic little girl who just couldn't live without him. It's about regretting that I didn't let him go do what he wanted so that he could figure out for himself what a huge fuck up it was.

When I am feeling especially bitter/resentful, I imagine that I had let him go and he is miserable and sad and pathetic for the rest of his life. That he is stuck in a relationship with a selfish, ugly person, and that he thinks of me every day and wishes that he had never seen OW and that he had never thrown me away like a piece of trash.

a bad night. My 10 year old has been hearing our arguements. Went to his school counceler. Told her he thinks we may leave each other. Just feel like total shit. At this point nothing she could have done would have made this better. He doesn't know what's going on as far as we can tell but I have fucked up so bad. My wife my life and now my children. I fucking hate myself and this life I made for all of them

It's hard to say. I never wanted to push him away but I almost feel like he had no consequences because he never really thought he would lose me. He definitely regretted what he did and felt awful about it but he dragged his feet doing the hard work. I wish I had laid out my requirements for R and told him I wouldn't accept anything less.

This is me too.

a bad night. My 10 year old has been hearing our arguements. Went to his school counceler. Told her he thinks we may leave each other. Just feel like total shit. At this point nothing she could have done would have made this better. He doesn't know what's going on as far as we can tell but I have fucked up so bad. My wife my life and now my children. I fucking hate myself and this life I made for all of them.

That does suck scream. I feel for you. I believe the best thing you can do is try to explain to him that you both love him very much. If you are working on yourself, be the best father/husband you can be, hopefully you'll get through this. Don't let shame/guilt eat you up. Take action to improve your circumstances.

Wishing you peace.

Hating yourself is destructive. Reassure your son that he is loved and be proactive about healing yourself and helping your wife and children heal. Taking action is constructive and will help pull you out of the pit of despair you find yourself in. Sending you strength and courage.

Right after DD I kicked him out, he came back sobbing within an hour. The first DD was devastating.

We are in R now BUT I have built defensive walls.

An affair changes the BS for ever. It makes them stronger and wiser.

I have fantasies sometimes, that I kicked him out. That I said all the horrible mean things that it's too late to say. I forgave him, and I loved him, and I did what I have done for 18 years... put him and his needs and his feelings first. I supported him, because that's what I do. I was kind, because that's who I am. I was in a 'fog' too, I suppose... or shock. Finding out the truth about your life is flattening... you just react how you react. Afterwards, when you are further away and when you realize you just are not the same person any more, you want to go back and have a do-over as the person you are now. Maybe.

If I had a do-over, we probably would not still be married. I'm glad we are, but sometimes I just can't believe I love him so much even after what he did. Makes me feel very weak and pathetic sometimes.