SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

as a post script

my H does appear to be pretty much indifferent to her.

It is me that hates the bitch with an intensity I did not think I was capable of feeling.

When I said to him that I hated her he said 'it is me you should hate, not her, I did this to you, not her' to which I replied that he could be sure that at times, especially nearer to DDay, I did hate him

Maybe further out (it is 10 months since I found out) I too will be able to be indifferent

So my question is this - is it possible to change your feelings toward someone so quickly. Or is it just words to try to make me feel better. I would love to hear if this happened to anyone elses partner.

This is just my experience - hopefully not going to be yours.

Wh said he just ended it - never thought about her again - over - finished.

No Contact was established and broken ... at least 3 times. No, I don't think those feelings just disappear.

This is a question that will haunt me forever. How do you go from being "Soul Mates" the day before to discovery to hating there guts?

My wife watched me beat his ass on DDAY and afterward told me she was glad I did it. It makes no sense at all to me. Luckily she is remorseful and working to repair the damage she has caused.

I would like to get an answer to this question though and she cant seem to provide it.

How do you go from being "Soul Mates" the day before to discovery to hating there guts?

My guess is that neither were entirely true. I think she didn't love him as much as she claimed and she didn't hate him as soon as she claimed.

She never really felt they were soulmates, but saying they were made her feel less like she was going against her personal values. What they were doing was ok because it was lurv.

And I doubt she immediately hated him and liked that you kicked his ass. Maybe what she liked was having something so drastic jar her out of her fog, wake her up. Maybe there was some relief that you took it out physically on him and not her. (I'm not even suggesting you would but it had to have crossed HER mind.) Maybe in her twisted head she felt you were standing up for her in some way by confronting him like that. You know, protecting her honor?

Give her another year then ask her about it again and see what she says.

I think sometimes we BSs hang on certain words that were used and the WS wasn't thinking much when they spewed them out. Different words give different feelings and can change important meanings. Ask open ended question every so often about stuff you aren't settled on. See if the meaning in the words she uses changes.

I don't think anyone is trying to take anything away from the fact that the WS is 100% to blame for their own actions.

They chose to do what they did.

However, the OW or AP is 100% to blame for what she did, too.

If OW or OM were not a danger to marriages, then there would be no point in setting boundaries in a marriage. Anyone would be safe around anyone else.

The fact is, there are women out there who are fishing for MM. And there are men out there who are fishing for MW. And these fishers are responsible for their own actions and choices and their words. And it is only wise for married people to beware of them, and to set boundaries with them.

We expect our children to make good choices when it comes to friends because of bad influences. We should make good choices for ourselves, and so should our spouses when it comes to friends. We are all vulnerable when it comes to influences.

The mind grows by what it feeds on.

And birds of a feather flock together.

We wouldn't choose to flock together with cheaters in the world around us. We may need to be around them at times, in the work world, for instance. That is when we observe carefully our boundaries. But we don't flock together with them. There is a reason for this. The reason is that they can be a danger to our marriages because they are out to destroy married couples. And they should be held accountable for their actions. They may not have made a vow to us, but they should have made firm decisions to themselves that they would be decent human beings and would help their fellow man in any way they can. Instead, they deliberately try to destroy their fellow man.

I am not for defending the WS and putting the blame wholly on the AP. Neither am I for defending the AP and putting the blame wholly on the WS. They are each 100% responsible for their own actions. Together, they did a lot of damage.

This may be slightly off topic, but I think that my WH could actively dislike the OW yet still have sex with her.

He didn't respect the OW's lifestyle choices at all but he was totally comfortable with exploiting those same choices. He was a complete hypocrite. He actually gave the OW "Dutch uncle" advice throughout the A. I'm sure the OW laughed at him because she knew exactly what the nature of the relationship was.

On Dday, he snapped back to reality. NC was instant and he ostensibly hasn't regretted it since. My reality is that he hasn't addressed his own problems, just changed his behavior.

This may be slightly off topic, but I think that my WH could actively dislike the OW yet still have sex with her.

This isn't off at all and it's why I find hating the OP just as dangerous as claiming to love them. I felt like nobody else was understanding this so I'll just come out and say it.

Hasn't anyone else heard of hate fucks?

I know of 3 separate incidents involving different people with no knowledge of the others who claimed to have hate fucked someone.

One of the times resulted a pregnancy because like other "unplanned" sex there usually isn't any protection used..

They absolutely can't stand the other person and they get so worked up and full of hate. Usually a verbal altercation takes place, opportunity presents itself, and they fuck and walk away.

They don't have positive feelings for each other but hate is a passionate, emotionally driven feeling. Having sex is a way to discharge extreme emotion that has built up.

It's dangerous for WS to hate their APs. They really need to come to indifference for the marriage to be safe.

Put all the blame on your WS. But, share the responsibility with the AP and WS.

Yes, our WH should feel indifferent to the AP. Mine does. I focused for a long time that my fWH should hate the AP like I did. But, now I have pity for her. I want my h to forget she ever existed.

I agree with some of you though. So tired of the argument...she/he didn't make a vow to the marriage.

No...they didn't. But, as citizens of society...they have a social (and understood ethical) obligation to not interfere with a marriage/covenant.

Hence why at one point they could be stoned to death. Pulling apart the covenant was a deadly sin. Adultery and covet thy neighbors wife was a sin.

Do you forget that when we are married the vows are "let no man pull asunder"?

God and society have always put responsibility on the AP's too.

Not that the feeling is any different for other relationships (BF/GF). Just easier for me to argue this way.

What difference is it anyways if the BS wants to hold the AP responsible too? As long as they are holding their WS 100% accountable as well.

Sure they had the bigger obligation. They took the vows. They should have done the right thing, even if the AP showed up butt naked. Yes, it is understood that our WS would have had an A with anyone that made themselves available at the time. So what, then I would have held that AP responsible instead.

Blame your spouse 100%. But, I for one will always hold any person that makes themselves available (since the affair wouldn't have happened if someone/anyone wasn't willing to reciprocate) accountable too.

IMO- no one is letting their WS off the hook any less if they hold the AP responsible too.

Everyone grieves differently and everyone feels differently. Everyone has A backgrounds differently. I know I would feel like some of these BS if it was a BF or sister that went after my H.

The man that drives the get-away car didn't rob the bank, but he was an accomplice.

BetraydWife

Spot on about the "soulmate" thing. They just use it as an excuse to justify their actions so they can live with themselves at that moment.

I never heard of "hate f*()" but, you do remind me of the hatred that Toby Maguire felt for the neighbor he had an A with in "The Details".

On the up and up though. I think that wanting our WS to hate the AP is normal and that most of us feel that way when we hate them too. I really believe that BSs come to a different mind set over time as we process this roller coaster ride.

As you read through SI, most of us that have been here for a while come to indifference at some point.

It is just a natural process.

Gemstone sorry to highjack your thread. Maybe your H has suddenly felt different because he is so ashamed and embarrassed. That can be a huge motivator in changing your feelings about something. Now, it has been pointed out that he was weak, pathetic, and needy to the AP. Kinda makes him creepy and undesirable to the AP. Or vice-versa. They just are not on equal levels anymore. In that case, if he isn't fixed...I would worry that he finds a new AP.

Hopefulmother

No hijack took place lol. It has been interesting to see the directions the question went in.

Yes my H was needy and week. Not a nice picture of this formerly strong and moral man. Think I've got him back now though and a much improved version as well (will keep a more careful eye on him though ) once bitten twice shy as the saying goes.

I think there is a need at the beginning for us BS to think that the WS hates the OP as much as we do.

Btraydwife is right that ultimately we all need to become indifferent I just think that at the beginning I needed to be sure that he saw her as the evil person that I did, anything less felt like another betrayal of me and in a sense that if he didn't hate her, then he still liked her

Try to think of her in a different light. PITY

It has to be hard to wake up everyday feeling low. To have such self hate, low-self esteem, and no self-confidence.

She has made her own personal Hell and that must be so draining. Of course she needs a daily drug.

That is heart wrenching. Just plain pitiful.

I can only go by what happened with my husband. I confronted him and an hour later he dumped her. He never looked back. He was trying to end it with her. I do believe that by phone records, etc. I think he knew he was in way too deep and realized if he kept it up with her he would have no family. It was rather sobering.

I would be afraid to know what would have happened had he not been trying to end it.

My personal opinion, anything can happen. But more likely than not the WS is telling and acting like they think the BS would want them to. I have read too long on here to see a WS hating the OP only to have hidden contact with them later.

I sort of feel sorry for the BS that goes on and on about how the WS finds the OP disgusting and thinks so badly of her and wasn't attracted to her and could never finish. I don't buy any of it and I feel sorry for the BS that do. They were attracted enough to have sex with them and unless them finishing was always an issue I don't believe it's an issue with OP.

I sort of feel sorry for the BS that goes on and on about how the WS finds the OP disgusting and thinks so badly of her and wasn't attracted to her and could never finish. I don't buy any of it and I feel sorry for the BS that do. They were attracted enough to have sex with them and unless them finishing was always an issue I don't believe it's an issue with OP.

totally this. He couldn't finish, couldn't stay hard, had to use Viagra, wouldn't kiss her. Maybe all these men are sleeping with the same woman because she's pretty repulsive.

Cheating husbands don't have rose colored glasses, aren't in a fog, not being manipulated, not falling for anything.

They are the manipulators. First manipulating their wives into believing that their mistress is just a friend, nothing is happening, honey you're insecure, it's just a guys' night out, blah blah. Then after Dday it's all, sweetie you were right. I can really see now all the little ways that bitch was trying to flatter me, drive a wedge between us, etc.

If he could deceive you day in day out during the affair he can put on a little song and dance for you now. Ask yourself, does it make logical sense? Or is this just self-serving bullshit?

Personally I'm not going to believe somebody else's words (especially a liar's) before I trust my own instincts.

I sort of feel sorry for the BS that goes on and on about how the WS finds the OP disgusting and thinks so badly of her and wasn't attracted to her and could never finish. I don't buy any of it and I feel sorry for the BS that do. They were attracted enough to have sex with them and unless them finishing was always an issue I don't believe it's an issue with OP.

This is one of the lies my wife tried to tell me in the beginning. (I wasn't attracted to him at all) We've moved past that now. I never accepted it and called her a liar to her face every time she said.

I think a lot of these lying cheaters tell us whatever they think will gain them the most favor with our forgiveness.

Hell, my ex vacillated like that all the time. When I told him I was moving out and leaving him, he tried to win me back and quite suddenly, his fat ass OW was now Public Enemy #1 and he had a look of pure disgust on his face when he said her name. He verbally tore her apart, telling me how stupid she was and that he couldn't take having to explain everything to her like she was 5 years old, that she was a stalker/psycho (I already knew that) and all these other horrifically derogatory things about her.

I told him, "golly and gee whiz. What a shame. Guess you're going to have to FIND a way to stomach her because I'm leaving."

Sure enough, after I left, he was still involved with her and STILL begging me to come back. Guess his 'disgust' for her was only for MY benefit. And I'd be willing to bet a shiny new nickel that when he was with fat ass, he was telling her how much he despised ME.

I'm with absolut. You NAILED it. They lie to save their own sorry asses.

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[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 4:25 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

My WS too thought the OW was his "soulmate" during the affair. The affair ended on a somewhat angry note between WS and OW. In reconciliation, I had him read all of the usual books. After the first year, he claimed to feel nothing but indifference toward her. When I questioned him about this, he made the comment that all he feels is indifference, and that according to the book, this is what he should feel. So, I have always wondered if he truly feels indifferent to her, or is just saying this because he is taking his cues on how to act from a book.

Never thought about that about the books.

My H hasn't read any books I never thought of it and to be honest he is not much of a reader, but that is a good point, is it possible that after reading them, the WS just say the things they have read without actually meaning them. Kind of a short cut for them.