Please bear with me. Kindle hates copy/paste and spacing, and my spellcheck is possessed.
I'm still working this out.
Been having a recurring dream over the past few months. Each time I have it, the details get more and more vivid. Faces and names become more clear. This time, I had a very clear location. A friend encouraged me to write it out. So here it is. TBH, I'm terrified to post this. But I'm clicking submit before I chicken out.
Excitement swirled thru the air. This trip had been planned for weeks and it was finally here! Chicago. Land of the Cubs. QS was beyond thrilled but beyond a subtle smile, you would never know he was bursting at the seams with child-like anticipation.He was finally going to be able to scratch this off his "bucket list".
The flight has been non-eventful. Upon landing in O'Hare, we'd gathered our luggage and found our rental car with relative ease.Which surprised us both. We had a couple hours to kill before dinner with our group that night, but instead of seeing the sights,we opted to check-in to the hotel early. Quiet time alone is so scarce with two small children at home. Those few times we have it, we cherish and indulge in it.
The afternoon hours slowly ticked by. We enjoyed one another thoroughly and completely. My phone would periodically ping with alerts as more of our friends descended upon the city. QS would nuzzle his face into my neck as I replied to the incoming messages. We laughed. We talked. We touched.We even dozed off and slept for a short while. It was bliss.
As the meeting time approached, we came back to reality and kicked into gear. It was our typical, unorganized, chaotic ritual of getting ready. But we did it and we were on time. With one final shot of Noir across my pulse points, I slid my sandals on and picked up my handbag. QS grinned. "Put the bag down Hottie and give me a hug." I laughed, "So...what was all his afternoon? Does that not count as hugs?" I wrapped my arms around his neck as his hands slide around my waist. He kissed me softly and murmured, "That was then. This is now." I swatted his arm,"Let go.We're going to be late." He sighed in mock dismay and picked up the keys, "Okayyyy."
We made our way down to the lobby. We were both fell into a comfortable silence. Nerves were setting in. For me anyway. We were to meet old friends, but there would also be some unfamiliar faces too. That always makes me nervous. My body was starting to do the anxious, subtle, yet uncontrollable shiver it always does in this setting. He leaned over and gave me a quick kiss before the elevator doors opened. I smiled and he grabbed my hand.
"Heyyyyyyyy!!!!!!" someone squealed to our left as we stepped out of the elevator. I laughed. There was Spazzie! As well as NIK and Moo. We exchanged hugs and pleasantries, then piled into Moo's rental and zoomed off to the restaurant. Upon pulling into the parking lot we saw a small group outside. Must be the rest of our people. It was a noisy exit out of the car as we all wanted to hurry and join the rest of our group. QS never let go of my hand. I whispered, "You ok?" as we made our way across the parking lot. He nodded. "Yeah. Just watching everyone. You?" I nodded my reply.
We stepped up onto the curb and approached our group. Sisoon, plainsong, Gonnabe, Mr. & Mrs. Dixie. All familiar faces. It was so great to see them again! We introduced ourselves to the newbies. Ascendant and his wife. Someone said Solus was running late, but to go ahead and start without her. We made our way into the restaurant and were quickly seated,thanks toour reservation.
We were seated at a giant round table halfway to the back of the restaurant. It wasn't too crowded, which seemed odd for a Friday night, but nobody was complaining. Less noise meant we could converse amongst ourselves with more ease. There was a flutter of "Where do you want to sit?" but we finally got settled in.
My back was to the main area of the restaurant. QS was seated to my left, followed by Ascendant, Mrs. A, Gonnabe, plainsong, sisoon, Razzie, NIK, an empty chair for Solus, Moo, followed by Mr.& Mrs. Dixie. I was excited. It had been a while since I'd seen Dixie and we had some catching up to do.
The waiter came and introduced himself, notified us of the daily specials, took our drink orders, and walked away. Then 5 or 6 small conversations started all at once. I leaned towards Dixie and asked what they had done since being in the city that morning. She is militaristic in her travel plans, so I knew their day had been eventful. As she spoke, I glanced at QS. He seemed to hit it off with Ascendant. Their subject matter was mostly likely the Cubs game we were to attend the next day.
Cameras flashed. Moo and Razzie were at it. Someone complained about unflattering pics being posted on SI. So we snagged a passing waiter and the entire table posed for "official" group pictures. It was then our waiter approached with a tray of drinks. He passed them,took our food orders, and disappeared again. The restaurant seemed tobe getting a little fuller. I noticed movement more and more in my peripheral. The house music volume increased. It started to get a little more noisy in the dining area.
Dixie asked out our flight in and as I started to tell her about our morning, I felt someone touch my right shoulder, and heard a male voice, "Excuse me ma'am. My daughter dropped her toy and its under the left side of your chair. Do you mind?" I didn't even look up, just leaned down to pick up the toy. "Oh sure. No worries. I have kids too so I know how...." my voice trailed off as I turned with the toy and looked into the eyes of AP.
I froze. The blood drained from my face. He looked at me quizzically for a moment, then recognition hit his eyes. He muttered, "Oh boy." His hand reached for the toy. I couldn't move. The shock of seeing him completely paralyzed me. What is he doing here!? He doesn't live here! Why here? Why now? I was seeing him in person, and breaking my no contact rule. And all in the presence of my husband and SI friends. My left hand shot over and gripped QS's thigh. I felt him turn towards me. AP tugged the toy again. In my initial shock, my grip had tightened around it. I released it when I noticed the tug. He nodded. "Aubrie..." and walked away.
My eyes glazed over. Dixie was staring at me, realization struck her. She caught the word he said. "Aubrie". Only one person called me that. My affair partner. Some of the conversation at the table has died downas people started to notice something was amiss. I shook myself, "Ascendant, what's in that drink you haven't touched yet? Lots of alcohol or just some?" He answered haltingly, "Uhh, some? Why?" I shook my head, reached for the glass and said, "We'll buy you another." and drained the tumbler. The liquid burned my throat. QS quietly asked, "What is going on?" I shook my head with the strange taste of the beverage, then leaned toward my husband's ear. "That was AP. He's here. I just broke NC."
QS looked at me in shock. "Do what!?" I repeated myself adding, "That must be his family over my right shoulder."QS turned and glanced. He nodded. "Yep. Its him." Tears stung my eyes. "QS, what should we do? Do we leave? I'm so sorry!" He shook his head and shocked me with his reply. "I'm sitting right here. I did nothing wrong. I'm hungry and I'm going to eat dinner with our friends." I was shaking uncontrollably. "Are you sure? Really sure? I'll do whatever you want." He patted my leg. "Hush. Its fine."
Wary eyes around the table continued to watch us, not entirely sure ofwhat just went down, but slowly conversations started again. Dixie leaned in. "Are you ok?" I nodded. But my stomach was lurching like an ocean in a hurricane. Bile rose in my throat. I felt my body convulse. "I'll be back!" I whispered urgently to QS, then took flight for the restroom, scared I would loose the contents of my stomach in the dining area.
I burst into the women's restroom which was thankfully empty. I staggered into the handicapped stall, tears blurring my vision, and vomited violently. My body shook uncontrollably. Over and over, my stomach clenched. I continued to vomit. My stomach was empty, but my body was completely out of control. It convulsed repeatedly. Tears streamed down my face. The panic hung in the air like a thick fog. I felt a hand on my shoulder. Dixie's voice. "Shhhhh, its ok. You have to breathe. Mrs. A, grab a water." I heard the restroom door open and close. Smells, sounds, they were so vivid. So pronounced. But yet my thoughts and vision were a swirling mess.
The door opened and closed again and Mrs. A entered the stall with a bottle of water, "Do you want me to get QS?" She asked softly. I nodded, unable to speak thru the sobs and convulsions. Dixie continued to speak quietly and soothingly. She rubbed my arms, handed me the water, telling me to drink, making me focus on breathing. My mind continued to race, but my body was starting to calm down. The door thumped and I heard his voice. Then he stepped into the stall. Dixie took a step back.
The tears flowed freely as QS squatted down in front of me. My arms snaked around his neck. "Babe...Babe...oh God, I'm so sorry! I never...meant....to hurt you. I can't....I can't take it awayyyyy...." He pulled me into his arms. Kissing the top of my head. "Hey, hey. Its ok. I'm ok. He's nothing to me. Settle down honey.Don't let him ruin our weekend. I don't know or care why he is here. Let it go. Shhhh. Stop crying. Look at me."I looked up into his gray/green eyes. "I love you. All of you. What happened is in the past. Stop crying. Clean up. Let's enjoy the rest of our dinner."
Mrs. A whispered, "Not to butt in or anything, but the family left. After he recognized you, Ascendant said he packed the family up and bailed." QS nodded. "See? Its ok. Come on. Let's go." I stared at him with doubt filled eyes, taking a swig of the water, and brushing tears from myface. He winked as he straighened up. I nodded feebly as he pulled me out of the floor and to my feet. He gave me a small hug and said, "I'm going to go back. Clean up. You're a hot mess. Always knew you would be if you drank." That last comment referred to an inside joke of ours. He smirked, then strode out the door.
Dixie and Mrs. A watched me silently. I looked at both of them. "I have to take his lead....right?" They both nodded. I sighed heavily and asked, "Do I look bad?" They glanced at one another knowingly, then both proceeded to give me the "Nah. Not too bad" "Oh not at all. Just dry the tears and blow your nose." bit.
And then I wake up.