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My fWH cheated with his ex and the mother of his child from before I was ever in the picture. This woman has a massive history of instability on numerous levels. She's been effectively homeless for most of the 4 years my H and I have been together (both pre and since marriage).

And right now I'm just struggling with how the HELL could he decide that she was his fantasy and cheat on me with THAT. Reason this is bugging me is very clear.

The babymomma/OW has a job that is changing her work schedule starting in a week or two where she will be working weekends. Days off are two days midweek. She's demanding, while homeless, that she still gets him on overnights during the school time. Her mother lets her stay with her only when she has the kid, and is over an hour away. The fact that this is a MASSIVE disruption to his schedule doesn't matter to her at all, so she's been pitching hissy fits.

Now, my fWH has decided that he's done being nice. He was letting her get the boy on Fridays even though the custody order clearly states every other Saturday and Sunday. She's making more and more grandiose demands, down to telling us we have to bring the child to her workplace at 10 at night (he JUST turned 5 two weeks ago) because she's going to work overtime. She was told "No. You can just get him Saturday morning since that is what the order says."

Now she's threatening to basically keep him past Sunday and picking fights over other crap, including refusing to say whether or not she is going to take the child to his best friend's birthday party which is this Sunday! fWH is now all upset that cops might have to be called on Sunday if she doesn't bring back the child like she is supposed to. I'm trying to calm him down, and remind him we can't control her, blah blah blah.

Through all of this I am just stuck in a "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" cloud. I just want to ask him that over and over. I don't, because it would be so counter-productive at the moment. But seriously. That is what he found to be more interesting than me last year? That pile of unstable, ridiculous, useless waste of flesh?

GAH!

TL;DR: Husband's ex/OW is being a horrible waste of space and I'm just all hung up on how the hell he could cheat on me with that bitch.

I would assume you have asked the question at least once? What did he say??

I totally get why you would be asking that given your description of her. But I just wanted to say you are not alone. No OW is someone we would think our WH would choose over us, because to be the OW they have to be damaged in some way. It's like they recognise something broken in each other. My WH OW were all damaged, insecure, selfish, destroying women. He went there because he wanted to be like, and in the case of the final one which turned into a partial physical one, it was about the rush and illicitness of it all. She was blond, tanned, into horses, wore too much make up, complete opposite of me, and very little in common with WH.

I guess what I am saying is that we are all going WTF!! You aren't alone, and although I get the crappy mind game of trying to work it out, it will probably never make sense, probably one of the biggest injustices of it all. They get to f*ck up and we have to handle not only the fall out but incomprehension of it all!

I agree with RomanticInnocenc, I don't think the choice of OW will ever make sense.

We had to be at a place last weekend that OW was and my WH, now out of the fog, is asking himself loud and clear "WTF was I thinking" kind of makes me feel better.

As far as to the question of "why her?" I have asked him. Especially given the history of this woman being horrible to me, to him, to their CHILD.

His answer was basically built around the fact that they had a really bad breakup that he felt was never fully closed. Then they started seeing a family therapist who made it all about them because the child started saying things we found disturbing. He knew details about the custody case that there was no way he could know unless someone was telling him. His mother, of course, blamed her mother but there were details in there I doubt she shared with her mother.

Anyway, the therapist at the first session basically decides the issue is between the two of them and excludes me and the kid. So for a year I was watching the kid while they had these therapy sessions, the whole while my husband talked to me less and less.

I will say we were having some issues before the sessions started built around the fact that I felt he wasn't there for me when I needed him in a time of stress. We were going through a rough patch, then suddenly he had a problem to focus on so he did what he does and put blinders on and focused on that problem and ONLY that one. So the problems we were working on only got worse and I kept convincing myself not to be "jealous."

Now, looking back, it wasn't jealousy but I knew something was going on that shouldn't have. At the time though, I couldn't tell what it was.

He says the fact that he finally feels closure on their relationship is a good sensation. I tell him that I feel pretty freaking lousy that it took a freaking affair to figure that out. He didn't like hearing that, but admitted that if he was in my position, it would feel pretty bad.

We are working on R. He is doing everything he is supposed to, most of the time successfully. But right now, with the woman basically being a horrible person again, it just makes me want to scream at him about what a bad choice he made. And we can't have full NC. She's the mother of my stepson, so I have to deal with her for at least until the child is 18...another 13 years.

StorybookGirl42 -

Please do not encourage WSs to break the guidelines. WSs are not allowed to post on vent threads. I have adjusted the title of your post.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:41 AM, April 11th (Friday)]

If I remember correctly, your WH has full custody of the children, correct? That if there is a conflict of any kind over what is best for the children, he is to consult her but he can make the final decision?

If that's so, the FTB. IMO, he should tell her that due to her threats of kidnapping the children, she doesn't get them for the weekend until she gets her head back on straight. And that NO, those children are NOT going to spend weeknights with her. It's going to be the scheduled visitation or see ya in court! It was HER choice to change HER work schedule so it impacted visitation. Too bad, so sad, but her having to face the consequences of HER choices doesn't constitute an emergency on your end.

I'm trying to figure out why thin mom who is incapable of providing a stable home for her child, gets to call any shots.

As far as why her, that's the million dollar question we all have.

The custody arrangement, as it currently sits, is that he has primary custody and she is to see the child every other weekend on Saturday and Sunday. During the time they were in family therapy, they worked out, with the therapist, a schedule where she gets the child on Friday evenings and keeps him until Sunday since she has a place to stay during the weekends. Also in the language of the custody arrangement is that they are to attempt to work things out between themselves but that final decisions rest with my husband.

The problem with her is she has an entitlement complex. She seems to think if she wants it and demands it, she should get her way.

Since the custody order does state that she gets the kid every other weekend, my husband is letting her have him tomorrow morning. She is saying we will get him back on Monday. If she does not bring him back on Sunday, police will be called.

Also, my husband has already filed paperwork to get this back in court, but there is no idea when we will actually be able to do that. Basically waiting on the clerk of the courts to get it on the docket and set the date.

In the meantime, the bitch thinks she owns everything and I just want to scream.

As far as why her, that's the million dollar question we all have.

Ain't that the truth!!???!!! As my FWH tells me now "It is not logical." Thank you, Mister Spock.

(((SBG)))

I'm worried about you.

Is your husband drawing good boundaries here? I'm not talking about RE his past affair. I mean is he letting her call the shots too much and you have to take care of his child.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?"

My husband is a professional with a 6 figure income. He fell for a speed freak stripper with bad teeth, bad skin, bad hair, bad neck tattoos (!) whose life was a total train wreck. He made out with her and did "hand stuff" in public at the club where she worked He walked out on his family because he couldn't stop pining for her.

The only reason he's ever given me was that he was out of his mind. Singularly unsatisfying.

Absolut, thank you for the hugs.

Honestly, my husband admits himself that he has no idea how he fell for her and the facade she put up. He beats himself up for it, especially when he sees something that triggers me about things. We are coming up on the "year anniversary" of it all and he's been trying so hard to be delicate and careful about things that he knows could be not so fun for me during that time.

The problem with this woman is she doesn't respect boundaries. He has been drawing lines and she just sort of tramples on them every chance she gets. She's still angry about how she tried to run into our new apartment a little over a month ago when we were moving and he stopped her from doing so.

In regards to their son, she makes grandiose demands and he doesn't give in which only makes her angrier and more unreasonable. This is why we are taking this all back to court. She isn't willing to have a discussion about what is best for the child, she just goes "This is what I want, give it to me." When she is told "No, that isn't in his best interest. How about this compromise?" She flies off the handle and jumps on the "YOU ARE KEEPING MY SON FROM ME YOU BASTARD" train.

I think it is getting to me so much right now because the physical aspect of their affair started in April last year and I'm overly sensitive.

Today should be interesting. She's refusing to show up to the usual drop off demanding we drive an hour out of our way to where she wants with less than 24 hours notice. Husband said "No, you have to give 24 hours notice, it is in the custody agreement. We will be at the usual spot." If she isn't there within the 30 minute window she has to be late, we'll just keep the kid for the weekend.

I do take care of his son a lot, but so does he. He's a very involved father and I've been a mother to the child more than his own mother. He calls me "Mommy" and made it clear despite my attempts to get him to call me by my name that he sees me as "Mommy."

So sad...why people like her can reproduce, I'll never understand. I'm thankful your a stable mom to him .

Well, she didn't show up for the dropoff.

Funny thing is, the kid didn't even blink. Five years old and I think he's figuring out his mom's a flake.

So, we took him to something he wanted to go to (that she would only say "maybe" about) and he will definitely get to go to his friend's birthday party tomorrow.

Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.