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peoplepleaser ( member #41535) posted at 6:45 PM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
Good for you, olwen! I hoe he keeps his head out of the sand. Have either of you read about codependency? I was resistant to this for years because of the way it was grasped onto in self help circles, but your WS's situation both background and present seem very similar to mine. You might want to look into it if you haven't already.
XWS: 40
BS: 40
DS: 7
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo
kansas1968 ( member #32214) posted at 7:02 PM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
Well, your husband is right. You are not in reconcilliation. He is lying, justifying, blame shifting, rug-sweeping, and just in general making your life miserable and making it impossible for you to trust him. I think a 180 is the only thing that might get him to pull his head out, but you have to mean it.
I am so, so, sorry he is doing this to you. 
Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.
somethingremorse ( member #42047) posted at 7:21 PM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
Gently
The amount of times I have posted the same stuff and I just keep going round in circles. I think I don't have the truth, then I think I do, then R is going great, then we have a big bust up, then the cycle starts again. I am tired of the merry go round let alone the roller coaster.
It does seem like you are stuck on the same spot. You are asking kind of the same questions, and he is giving kind of the same answers. Maybe he's telling the complete truth, maybe he's minimizing. Maybe he's answering in a way your sort of preconceived perception isn't picking up, or maybe he isn't understanding your questions for the same perceptions on his side.
Regardless of what is going on, it seems to me that you two have to do something different than you are now. Whether that is space, or a 180, or MC or whatever.
Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC
sadone29 ( member #38597) posted at 9:17 PM on Monday, April 14th, 2014
(((olwen))))
I agree that you're unfortunately not in R. If he can't sit with your pain and answer all questions truthfully and without being defensive, then you will certainly be stuck.
I remember that stuck feeling...I felt like a caged animal with no where to go. It was such a terrible place to be. And I only had the financial worries, not the health issues. I also don't think you should make any rash decisions now. Focus on you and your child. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Love and cherish yourself the way you know you deserve.
In the end you do have to decide. No matter what your H does, will you decide to try to grow and heal? I know it sucks. It's unfair because you did NOTHING wrong!! But sometimes you have to decide to do it for yourself.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult place.
DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."
He finally moved out only because I became on obstacle in his new affair.
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