SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Child Support?

*I have Sole Physical Custody. He has Generous Visitation.

* We have joint legal custody.

*I have a 2-year Protection Order against him (me only...not DS11).

*He was found Guilty of Misdemeanor Class 1 Domestic Violence & is on 2 year probation. *I supported him throughout our marriage but he has a job now "because he needs to in order to live".

*I know I can go thru the courts & DCSE to get CS....I just dont want to.

The past month has been nasty. After he signed a payment plan for CS with me last September & I withdrew the CS & SS case in November (stupid me for believing him) he made 1 pmt the 1st month (supposed to be $300+ per month) & has only given me $100 in the last 6 months "I'm giving you what I can". (ie: after I buy all kinds of new stuff for me & my new place & go out to bars etc.).

When I tell him we need the $ & it is his written & moral obligation...his reply is that he doesnt want to gve me MONEY for support b/c he "doesnt know where it will go"..."doesnt want me to use it to buy drinks when I go out"..."knows how I mishandle money". (The only clothes Ive bought were $9/bag from the church thrift store. And I'd have more $ if I didnt have to pay 100% of the marital bills)!

Ive struggled financially...my income is 1/3 what it was same time last year. The PTSD has made it difficult to work (creative). My son needs $250/mo in meds & getting STBX to pay 1/2 is like pulling teeth. I told him I need $ for food - only had 2 eggs & 4 hot dogs. His answer? Our son can live with him 1/2 the time & that will be his half of the support! Thankfully a friend (who is temporarily unemployed with no $ either) offered to get us $50 in groceries. STBX still hasnt. How cold is that?

I had no power for a week during the big freeze & was living with a fireplace for warmth & asked him to take DS11 for Fri & Sat nites so he cld be warm....STBX said No Friday/Saturday only b/c he volunteered to help at the community kitchen for dinner (our son has stayed at his place alone for this before). STBX was home by 8pm. PRIORITIES???

Ive always been asking "when do u want visitation"? And then making the arrangements. I decided to quit asking. And STBX didnt ask either! And he had 5 weekends in a row off and didnt ask....does he really want to see his son? Yet he will text his son & say things like "I miss you" and "I wish you were here". Wtf? Poor kid. He has no clue.

I asked if he wanted visitation & asked if he could be in charge of the science fair project due in 3 weeks (Ive helped with every other project). He said he didnt like getting the project "dumped" on him. I did the project with DS11 & he got 3rd place! What a deadbeat!

My son said something that got us on the topic of abuse. Then he started saying things & I started taking notes like crazy:

"The police never believe the man".

"Judges cant tell if people are lying".

"You made dad leave & get arrested & thats why we are not together as a family".

"You cheated on dad. Dad never cheated on you".

"Its the person who accuses the other of cheating that is the one who is actually cheating".

"The bruises you have pictures of are from your own accidents".

"Dad isnt a deadbeat".

And so much more....the transcript is astonishing! As it goes on I ask why he is saying these things...and low and behold...STBX is showing DS11 text messsages & letting him listen to voice text messages as recently as his last visitation!!! Um...there is a parental alienation clause in our custody papers...not to mention this is SO DAMAGING TO OUR SON!!!

Please tell me

1) that no court in its right mind is going to give joint custody to this psycho?

2) that his failure to pay what he agreed to ..not to mention that his refusal to pay anything "b/c he doesnt know where it will go" will look even WORSE for him as a parent?

3) that this is no man worthy of being a scout leader?

4) that he should have supervised visitation?

5) that I can sue him in small claims court for his original note?

6) that karma will bite him in the ass?

UGH!!!!

I ask you to please notify SBXH's counsel leadership that he has been found guilty of domestic abuse. They do background checks on their leaders (obviously not often enough) and this man should NOT be in a leadership position with young boys. If my son where in his den or troop, I would have a fit!

*I know I can go thru the courts & DCSE to get CS....I just dont want to.

Why not?

From what you have posted here it seems that you do not have a court order. Without a court order then he is doing absolutely nothing wrong.

You need a L and you need an enforceable court order. Once you get a court order for CS then you can go thru the state CS enforcement agency to have his wages garnished.

Also, you need to realize that his failure to pay CS has no bearing on custody. The courts see those are 2 separate issues. However, his DV conviction and his failure to take consistent visitation works against him.

If you do already have a court order, then contact the state CSE and have his wages garnished. And contact your L regarding his sharing text messages with DS.

Good luck

You need an attorney. Now.

Seriously. That is all there is to it.

And, yes, notify the Boy Scouts. He shouldn't be passing himself off as a role model to young boys.

I've got the info for the BSA council head but have mixed emotions on following thru with notifying them. Although, as a parent, I would not want this type of person serving over my child. Reassurances & feedback from the SI community would be appreciated.

@ Dreamboat - Although he signed a $300+\month Agreement with me for him to pay CS...I know I can't use DCSE to enforce. it since it wasnt filed. I DO wonder if I can sue for it in small claims court? And wouldnt any judge look at my STBX and think "what a jerk...you sign an Agreement that ur gonna pay & then u dont? What kind of father are you? (...and in my dreams..."No custody for you!!!).

And wouldnt a judge look at him & think...He is not doing what is morally right?

[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 1:32 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

I had my son in Scouts for a while. If I had an inkling that anyone in leadership was as f-ed up as your ex AND the council did nothing about it, I'd have pulled my son from the den or pack. Hell no should an abuser be in any contact with children, let alone a LEADER.

You are over-thinking this and second-guessing yourself. Classic abuse victim response, something I'm saying with confidence because I was an abuse victim, too.

He needs to be tossed. If you can't make the call, then give the info to a friend and have them make the call.

He needs consequences.

I DO wonder if I can sue for it in small claims court?

I doubt it. The court will see this as a family court matter.

And wouldnt any judge look at my STBX and think "what a jerk...you sign an Agreement that ur gonna pay & then u dont? What kind of father are you?

A judge might think that, but custody is still a separate matter and judges have been taught to keep their own personal opinions out of decisions. So the lack of payment will probably have no bearing on custody. Especially since it is not even a court order. It sucks, but that is the way of the courts.

Get a L. Get the L to file for CS. USe the state approved guidelines rather than a number that you and he agreed to. You can find a CS calculate online if you google it. If you do not already, document every interaction stbx has with the kids. Every phone call, every visitation, every event he attends. Document both the good and the bad. Make sure your L knows about the DV conviction. If you do this then the court will likely not change the current custody situation. And best of all, you will have an agreement that is enforceable. Right now, that agreement is not worth the paper is was written on.

Is he diagnosed as a sociopath? We throw around terms so freely sometimes. How were the arrangements set up? Was it through a lawyer and courts or not? If not, how is it enforceable? What is generous visitation? Is it 50/50? You are obviously upset and angry. He is a violent offender that at least is a black mark against him. Why not get a RO with supervised visits for your daughter. Get this done the right way. You will be in debt with a lawyer but at least you protect yourself for the future. Money spent well.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 8:47 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

I've got the info for the BSA council head but have mixed emotions on following thru with notifying them.

I have a son in boy scouts and a daughter in girl scouts. I would want to know if one of my scout leaders had a restraining order against him by his spouse or any other felony/serious misdemeanors. Our kids go on trips with these people and I expect them to actually be at least halfway normal people. If the situation was reversed and your child was in a program with a parent that was an abuser or violent wouldn't you want to know or at least have them vetted properly. They actually made a big deal about background checks etc with all the new parents when we joined the scouts.

Most states have guidelines on CS. Call your local family court to get information. I have 50/50 joint physcical and legal custody of my children and I agreed to use the state formula in paying child support. It didn't go through the DCS but the property settlement agreement which spelled out everything including custody and the child support amount I agreed to was filed with the court/judge when I sent in my petition for divorce. It also got sent to family court so they are aware. STBXWW can always go to court and petition to have it increased or I can go to petition to have it decreased but today it isn't collectd by DCS. I pay ti because it's for my kids. If stbxww uses it to pay the car note or go on a trip to Vegas that's not on me.

HOWEVER, if I woke up and turned into Bizarro BH one day and decided not to pay CS my stbxww could go right down to family court/DCS with the PSA and they would start garnishing my wages through the legal process. If I was behind they would throw my ass in jail.

On the other side even if we had not agreed to CS in the PSA, WW or I could have walked to DCS and filed for CS. You fill out the forms and they proceed with setting a court date and then garnishing my wages if necessary. Get a L today and if your state is like mine you don't even need a L to start the process. It's possible that you agreed to a lesser amount that you were entitled to based the fact that your WH was not working at the time. Google the CS formula for your state and put in the numbers to see what comes out. It's a good starting point. If you make more money it may be offset by you having sole physical custody.

One of my pet peeves is deadbeat Dad's. Your WH signed an agreement. Hire a L and get them to file the agreement with the courts. I'm just a "dude" on the internet so do what's best for you and when in doubt go see a L.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:50 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

ok, you need to stop thinking about you. Your ex has you convinced you are not a good person...they love to do that, so did mine. You are a good person, he counts on that so he can leech off of you, your money, your love, and your giving nature. You are a good person or you would not hesitate...However-

Your job here is to PROTECT your son, and the other children in the boyscout troop.

You absolutely need to tell the scouts about him, you need to protect other people's kids!

Starting as far back as you can honestly remember, hopefully you have an accurate calendar or email trail, keep a written record of how often he is seeing your son, every visit, every refusal to help. Keep all emails relating to visits including any time he refers to you "dumping" any responsibility or privilege on him. STOP asking him to help if you don't think your son should be with him, you are telling the courts you trust him. You can't stop him from seeing your child right now, but you sure as HELL do not need to be asking him to see your child. Let it go, it is HIS job to keep an active relationship with your son, not yours.

Get yourself to a Lawyer NOW you need orders for support and visitation. Again, this is to protect you and your son.

Please get in touch with a women's shelter, not to go live there, but to get yourself into counseling, at the least group therapy. You have been abused. Your son needs protection and so do you.

[This message edited by badd at 12:52 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]