SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I'm not seeing the big problem here with STBM's post or actions that everyone else seems to be seeing. I've had almost the identical thing happened with my kids. And it pissed me off. And if I had known about SI then I would've vented here I'm sure. Unfortunately, I took it up with poopsmear.

I think your reaction is completely normal for where you are in this process. As your kids get older and you get further out you will shrug your shoulders and shake your head at douche baggery like that and truck on.

I'm sorry. It would have pissed me off too.

((stbm))

You did nothing wrong. Certainly you can ask an innocent question of your child.

I'm not in your position, my kids are adults, but i would feel the same as you.

But as another poster wrote, the cheater couple acted like asses.

Let it go, it is hurting you now more than them. No doubt as time goes on, you'll be less effected by their assine bs.

Maybe you should feel sorry for cheater couple. They'll never grow up and their pathetic. Your boy has more sensee than them.

And that, my dear, is something to be awesome proud of!!!

good job!!

hugs,,,,,,,,

(((STBM)))

I also don't think you did anything wrong. I've also felt attacked in this forum, so I think it's best to take the approach of keeping an open mind, taking what's helpful to you, and leaving the rest.

I'm so glad that you came here to vent and didn't say anything to the cheaters.

Of course they are miserable people who are trying way too hard to appear to be good, loving people. And they see any intrusion by a real, loving person into their life as a threat. You know what they really are, so they have to work extra hard to keep up the facade.

HOWEVER, it does seem at times that you are letting things bother you way too much -- which only impacts you. (This is true for almost everyone, including myself.)

I frequently have to go to various speakers for fundraising lunches/dinners/affinity groups, etc., and while I mostly think they are a waste of time, I went to one last fall that really helped me to change my mindset. It's super easy to remember. The class was called Accept It or Change It."

Essentially, when faced with a stressful or unpleasant situation, you have three choices:

1. Accept It

2. Change It

3. Be Miserable

In cases where you can't change things (i.e. dealing with assholes), you have to figure out if there is a way for you to change your actions, to accept the situation, or whether you just want to be miserable. Being miserable is the worst choice you can make!!!

Getting to acceptance isn't easy, but it will improve your life.

Imagine how much more pleasant your day would have been if, instead of getting pissed, you thought something like, "What losers they are! So insecure they're threatened by some snacks! Ha!" and then did some yoga or deep breathing exercises. Or maybe a kickboxing workout :)

I know it's so hard to detach -- it was hard for me, and I could go true NC since no kids with XWH. But you will be in such a better place when you can get to "meh."

I know you can do it!!!

((((stbm))))

As long as Stretch draws breath into his body and speaks words to my children, he will have the power to piss me off. I have accepted this. It won't matter how long we have been divorced, or how indifferent to him I am, his ability to interfere on any level with my interactions with my children will make me see red. I hope that with time, the duration of my rant will lessen. That I can be angry, and then accept that I can't change him, and let go of anger.

I totally get where you are coming from. You did a good "mom" thing and packed snacks. Because you love your kids, no matter that they were going on "super fun time long train ride experience" without you (OUCh!) AND... you packed enough for slunt's kids too, so your kids could share. Because sharing is nice. Because you are a better person (IN EVERY WAY) than slunt. To have that gesture taken away? Yes, that is a bitter pill to swallow! It made your kindness seem suspect (possibly) to your children. Or wrong. Instead of being on the high road, it feels like you've been kicked for being snarky.

I also get not talking to the kids on his time. It is not a fight I am willing to have. The kids are made to feel guilty for wanting to talk to me. Called "momma's boys" and that is not worth it to me. I can go the few days without talking to them to make it easier for them. That fight is not worth having with an NPD button pushing ass.

It really sucks when being right gets you nothing.

^^what she said.

It is all just so unnecessary it can be maddening.

Your kids will see you continuing to be interested and invested in them. They'll see X and OW choosing to behave in a different way.

It sucks to see them let down but this is exactly who he is. This is the father they have.

I'm again reminded of something XMIL said to me about the 2 men who she had children with: "You never know what kind of father they'll be until it is too late".

Try not to let it take up too much headspace. I struggle with this myself because I want him to be a better father and TBH I still feel guilt for choosing so poorly for them. A lot of my anger is hurt that I choose so poorly for them.

My feelings on this don't change the fact that he is actively choosing what kind if father he is. Each and every day, in each and every action (or inaction). He is choosing this.

What do you do when they rub it in your faces?

OMG....how awesome that your DS gave your ex the 9-year-old version of "WTF dude, WHY are you 'jacking' my snacks????"

I, personally, talk to my kids about what they've been up to when they aren't with me. If they are gone with their friends (my kids are older than yours) I ask them about how they spent their time, who they saw, etc.....so I don't know why that doesn't also apply to time they spend when they're with their dad(?). I mean it isn't as if their lives *cease* because they aren't with me.....that doesn't even make any type of logical sense.

I think what may be being picked up on is the fact that you are taking the interaction with your kid and using it to make some *assumptions* about Brady-Bunch life. Just because you kid isn't *gushing* about how AWESOME the vacation was....doesn't mean that it sucked. He very well could have had a wonderful vacation.....but doesn't want to let you know how much he enjoyed himself so that your feelings aren't hurt. Or maybe he just thinks that it's vacation and you know that it's fun.

Also. Have you heard the expression: "I need a vacation from my vacation"? I always enjoyed our vacations and liked seeing and doing new things....but it exhausted me. By the last day of any vacation over 4 days, I was so ready to just *be home* and back into the 'normal' routine of things. I was *over* entertaining the kids because they were without their 'usual' entertainments (and friends) that were available at home. I was ready to get back to my *own* kitchen where everything was where it was SUPPOSED to be and I always had butter and oregano on hand and didn't have to try buy a bunch of perishable groceries that were going to be *used up* in my allotted time or get left for the maids because I couldn't take it home with me.

Anyway. I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to your kids about what's going on in their lives.....so long as it doesn't lead you down into the 'rabbit hole' of extrapolating and making assumptions.

@caretaker -- when it's rubbed in your face....you put on a public show that your life is awesome and grand. Then you go home, cry, and post on SI about how hurt you are. Any type of blatantly emotional response to that kind of behavior just invites 'more of the same' and gives them more fodder to *bond* over. Rise above that immature crap.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:37 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]