SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Life is too short to live it unhappy

"It's a currency issue: you're throwing Pounds, and she's throwing Euros."

Then she told us to go read The Five Love Languages. She referred to them as "currency" because we both have backgrounds in accounting/finance.

If our marriage makes it, we've threatened to go get currency symbol tattoos.

Get out you need to look after yourself it is clear he isn't willing to do anything to protect you and your marriage.

Sadly I didn't listen and ended up with another DD.

"you're trying to make sense from nonsense and you can't" I had to remind myself of this often

"I've found that the wife is always right" (trust your gut)

Pool stick post is sad but true. The wayward spouse is always thinking of themselves - they don't stop to consider how we feel as betrayed spouses.

"No one, and I mean no one, is special enough to change the spots on a narcissistic, personality disordered, alcoholic leopard. You got him at his best, when he tried to cover up and fly straight. She got him at his very worst and he won't get any better".

My last IC was so good, I kept a notebook of one liners I would write down afterwards. I will share a few.

If you aren’t ready for what you want in a relationship, you shouldn’t be dating.

Express what you need. If it’s not met, express it again. If it still isn’t there, walk away.

Don’t be ruled by fear.

Don’t say you “can’t"; don't create self-fulfilling prophecies.

Self-worth is what has worth for your self. Regardless of circumstances, you are still the same person, with the same worth.

Your rational mind is a gift. Don’t be ruled by emotions, even ones as strong as love.

Relationships can be a partnership, not one person losing themselves and letting resentment build up.

Relationships are an art, not a science.

“Should” thoughts are internalized habits – be aware of the irrational ones. Just because it's a habit doesn't mean it's right.

Two people leaning on each other will fall down; a healthy relationship is two people who both stand up on their own and want to be together.

Examine your thoughts. Spit out what doesn’t taste good. This is a baby’s first instinct.

Dating to seek validation is bound to fail.

Why try to be something you can’t be? You are capable of joy; you are capable of pleasure; what more do you want?

ETA: It was too hard to pare down, that's way more than a few!

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:28 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

Two things have stood out so far:

1. In response to my exhaustion from the roller coaster of emotions: "You won't always feel the way you do at this moment." Very comforting when I am in a dark place. Reminds me to appreciate the upswings and gratitude that I may feel.

2. To protect and nurture "little Veronique." To imagine myself as a child and to build her up, speak to her with kindness, care for her. This is a really good tool for me for practicing self-compassion. I find it is also a terrific exercise for me to imagine my H as a child when I'm searching for compassion for him.

My IC focused me on choices: I can only make choices for myself, and no one else. I cannot choose how my WW will react to my choices to protect myself from her behavior. I lived in fear (and still do, but not as much) of her reaction to a request for things like NC, get rid of photos/emails, find a new job, etc.

Essentially, stop living like I have control over the choices my wife has made, and will make, and focus on what choices I can make for myself.

Nothing really of value from our MC. Giving her a shot by myself tomorrow. Best advice is here on SI.

IC told me, when I was making excuses for ws and basically trying to protect him from his own bad choices. She told me, why are you so uncomfortable with him having to move in with

his parents or with him being lonely if he got an apartment? When was the last time he took you comfort and feelings into consideration. Why are his feelings more important than your own. The one that really got to me was asking what I would tell my DD if she were in a R like mine, would you tell her to love herself enough to walk away? Treat yourself like those you love.

I am a photographer and my favorite model was my exh. One of the most painful parts of divorce was getting rid/splitting up the pictures we had. My mind just couldn't wrap itself around the fact that I was unclear as to what to do about all the memories I had with him in my head and on print/disc form. Should I throw out 20 years of MY life just because HE was in it? There were TOO DAMN MANY pics to photoshop him out of!

I received a lot of good advice for the process but I suppose the best ah-ha moment was when my gf told me to draw a line in the sand and say that when we were married/happy the man I married was alive and after he was dead. That way, I could still look at the pictures that I am/that I took in the years we were married and not want to throw up and toss them or feel a huge hole in my history. The man I said I do is dead. The man that looks like him but cheated on me with a girl 16 years younger than him and has 3 illegitimate kids with her is NOT anyone I know now.

Thanks for sharing guys!

For me, the most life changing wisdom came from Brene Brown on the subject of vulnerability. If you havent watched her TED talk I encourage you to.

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."

Sorry not a IC or MC story. I had bad luck with those. But the pool cue story reminded me.

Before Dday I was talking with my best friend about my suspicions. He said that he wasnt a good sounding board because he was teetering on the edge of a affair himself. It was an EA with his wifes sister. And he was wanting it to go to a PA.

I told him that if he really loved his wife. Or even if he cared for her a a human being in the slightest. That before he went to a PA with her sister. He should wait up one night until she goes to sleep. Then quietly go into their bedroom and put a bullet through the back of her head. I said that would be the kinder thing to do. And if he cared for her he would do that before screwing her sister.

That pretty much ended his EA and it never went any further.

After my Dday. I handed WW a bullet. I told her to keep it and use it to kill me before she ever thought of seeing OM again. I told her that would be the kinder thing to do.

Yeh. I can be a little blunt at times I guess.

T/J

Razor, it seems sad and stupid that they can't get the pain that their actions can cause without a really gory mental picture. I am certain that JM never truly understood the depth and intensity of the pain he was causing me until our MC used that imagery with him.

end T/J

I was feeling down on myself that despite all that had happened, I had not kicked WS out of the house immediately on DD and started divorce proceedings the next day I felt weak and ashamed.

My IC looked me in the eye and said that practically everyone maried says they'd leave a cheater immediately but very few actually do in her experience. She said that it is never that simple especially when there are children involved, and that the people who do divorce a WS immediately were 9 times out of 10 already deeply resenting their spouses and looking for an excuse to get out of a bad marriage. Even folks who go see a lawyer the next day at some point often reconsider or t least slow things down..

She said if I was weak I would not have told him of my intentions to divorce and kicked him out to the basement.

She told me the bravest thing to do was give myself some time to figure out what I really wanted and not care what anyone else thought. Let him stay in the basement while I decided.

She also told me not to confuse hope with weakness, as long as I was seeing legit reasons to hope.

Best session I ever had.

After my Dday. I handed WW a bullet. I told her to keep it and use it to kill me before she ever thought of seeing OM again. I told her that would be the kinder thing to do.

Yeh. I can be a little blunt at times I guess.

Dude!, that's just bad ass to the bone right there!

The best advice from the IC wasn't advice, but a question she asked me. She asked "why do you think it's okay with you to be treated this way?"

In just asking me that, in that way, it made me realize that the way now-ex treated me wasn't normal, or okay, that I was the one who had been allowing him to treat me like that, and thinking it was normal.

And just like that, it wasn't okay anymore.

The advice that stuck with me is more for the beginning of relationships.

My first IC told me something I share often:

Never fall in love with a man's potential. He is exactly who he will be when he shows up at your door.

Our dday MC told me:

People tell you who they are when you meet them. Listen and pay attention because bad behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere.

(When we first started dating, the ex had told me he cheated in most of his relationships and had abandonment and intimacy issues).

MY IC said some of the following:

You have choices to make and you have to be willing to live with those choices, despite the outcome.

It's up to you to decide how long will you allow her to disrespect you.

Something is broken in her, nothing you could have done would make her have an affair.

I don't think you should do marriage counseling, because she has not taking responsibility or dealt with why she had the affairs.

You don't need to meet her needs, because it is probably a need you could never meet.

You don't need to do anything to win her back, she needs to win you back!