SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm wondering if you still stand by all of the rest of this a year plus out from DDay?

I agree with a lot of what you say but I'm in the ambivelent camp and although my instinct is to stay and keep my family together, it is really, really hard to live with the fact that this has happened.

this is a great post. Thank you. I am 18 months out and doing much better though still have "days"...but your post helped. It really did and I know I will and we will all "get through it!" Thank you!

Good insights.

I'm glad your thread got bumped up.

I needed it this morning.

Thank you.

This was a good read. Very similar situations (yours and mine). I agree, NOTHING can ever justify the WS cheating. Once that occurs, it is impossible for the BS to have a valid say in what goes on in the marriage (while its happening). In other words, while the affair is happening, the BS has zero influence on the WS. Make sense?

Very good read. I totally agree EXCEPT - I will NEVER forgive the

OW. (There were quite a few ) But one in particular-NO WAY EVER.

Can't do it.

I'm wondering if you still stand by all of the rest of this a year plus out from DDay?

For the most part, yes. There is one thing I would change/reword regarding "choosing R or moving on"...

I think in most circumstances you should spend the first 6 months or so after DDay in sort of a "hybrid R" mode rather than saying you are in R. Firstly, you don't want to give your WS the impression that you are committed to R before they've earned it. Secondly, you don't want to lock yourself into R before you've really had time to think about it. In my original post, I certainly wasn't trying to say that you should immediately lock yourself into R right after DDay, but I think it came across that way since my choice of words was poor. That being said, I do think that as long as you are in this "hybrid R" mode where you're trying to make a decision, you should at least fake it 'till you make it. Even though this isn't true R yet, I still believe it is important to follow the other tips I discussed, such as maintaining your integrity by not seeking revenge, by keeping your chin up, etc. You can't let this event destroy your core values regardless of whether you choose to R or not. You also cannot sabotage your relationship by doing childish things before you've even made a decision. You should at least act like you are in R until you decide otherwise.

I am editing my original post to reflect this since I don't want anyone new who is reading it to get bad information. I hope this makes sense and helps!

Great post!

DisappointedDude I have a question for you. My wife also had the A that went on for 2.5yrs and now we have been working on since DDay 4 months ago. She still won't compliment, flirt, or come onto me. We have talked about this many times with MC and amongst each other and it drives me nuts. She will cuddle with me but 95% of the time if it come to intimacy she goes cold. I feel in our R this is the missing link from me feeling 100% committed to her now. Makes me feel she still has feelings for the AP. Did your wife have these issues at first?

Thank you so much Disappointed Dude D day for me is a few days less than a month now. These wise words will help me cope. It is amazing that the one person in your life that is supposed to love you the most can cause you so much hurt/betrayal & upheaval in your world. I am still reeling, bad day yesterday but managing today. Wow, what a wild ride!

Thank you for this! I was just thinking here pretty recently that at some point I'll need to wholeheartedly commit to reconciling and stop giving the devil on my shoulder any attention. Not quite there yet, though.

Thank you for sharing I don't know if my WW and I will ever reach R or end up D. However, your post gives me hope. Am happy for you, and wish you the best in your recovery.

So glad this got bumped! Great post. The line most useful to me tonight is about my WW not forcing me to reconcile. I have to accept responsibility for that decision on this woe-is-me evening. :0)

tryingtobhappy: My wife was remorseful immediately, but her A was a long time ago (even though DDay was recent). Any feelings for the OM were long gone. I'm afraid my situation is much different than yours. Sorry that I cannot help you in that regard. :(

One thing I would say is don't make assumptions about how your wife is feeling. Talk to her about it and try to reach an understanding. I've jumped to conclusions a few times about my wife's behavior and more often than not I have been wrong.

tryingtobhappy: Is your wife by any chance passive aggressive? My wife has a bad case of this and one of the symptoms is that they cannot be emotionally attached to the villain (me) who is responsible for everything that goes wrong in their life. I swear that learning about Passive Aggressive behavior has been like the instructional manual for my marriage.

I think this post is great & appreciate you sharing a GOOD moment/time with us. I know often it's loaded with all our bad moments & that's what we're all here for but I love to read the positives.

I agree with your thinking. I'm nearly 5 mos out & am in R. I do believe that once you decide to move forward & stay with them, then you're commiting to R, doesn't mean you won't change your mind, you are committing at that time bc it's what you want but it may not work.

I was wondering if you'd share your list or a few of them with us? I like this idea & I think I get the gist of it but curious as to what kind of things you have. I know from today, to a month ago to 2-3 months, we've progressed. I've progressed. Sure I think about it every day, more than I'd like but it's not as emotionally pain staking as it was. I mean, don't get me wrong, my heart hurts every time I think of it but I know before I would feel the need to lash out, cry, scream, tell her she was awful. I don't do that now, I have a few weak moments & we just deal with them & move on.

I truly believe we'll get through this so this is why I just let everything happen as it happens. I try not to fight the sadness or hurt. It's part of the process. Yea it sucks ass but what else can I do? I know she loves me, always has & always will.... just made a really stupid decision that impacted our lives tremendously but that can be recovered. Sure things will be different, we're different now, some good - some bad but I think in the long run the changes will be good. We now know what we both could lose & what needed more attention in our relationship. I do NOT believe an A is what is needed to realize this but unfortunately that's how it happened.

Thank you again, I hope to read more from you as time goes on.

Thank you for this wonderful post! D-day was 3 weeks ago for me and is it good to hear there is hope. Much better after 3 weeks than after the first week and I hope it will continue to get better like it has for you.

I really enjoyed this post. I copy and pasted it to my journal so I can read it later.