SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, I've ordered those two books as well.

SelfishHusband

I too read my BS's first post on the site. Very quickly I realized that reading what he wrote, and how others responded to him was only hindering my healing process.

In the responses to his first post users called me a psychopath, encouraged him to pack my sh** and kick my ass to the curb,to divorce me and only possibly date me IF I showed major changes, and informed him that he was in love with a person who does not exist. It all HURT, badly.

How could these people who are only seeing a chapter in the book about Wayflost judge me so harshly? How could I be the monster they all immediately called me? Was any of it true? I can tell you that I am not a psychopath. Nor do I have psychopathic tendencies. Am I selfish? You bet.Did I do things without regard for my BH and his feelings? Absolutely. Did I need to see what other people in acute pain thought about my situation? No. Not even a little.

I do not read what my BH writes. I don't actually know if he has posted at all in the last 4 months. I don't need to see what he is being told about me. Our profiles are not linked in any way. Maybe one day when I am further into the healing process, my own and of my relationship, then maybe I will be able to view the responses objectively. Understanding my BH and what he is going through is high on my list of priorities, but I choose to do it with the help of our MC.

There are various attitudes by people here on SI about whether they look at each others posts. You two should discuss it between you, but I encourage you to make up your own mind as well.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 12:58 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Well, SelfishHusband, you're certainly living up to your username so far.

That's not a 2x4, it's my observation based upon your language. Affairs are selfish behavior by self-centered people, so I get it. It's gonna take you awhile to shake that off, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start *really owning* your behavior. Right now, however, you seem to be regarding this whole thing as "something that happened to you." Something you can *fix.*

I have never cheated on her any other time than what we're talking about.

So only twice, then. Uh...congratulations?

I realize now that we should've been working hardcore on ourselves

Right, because now you're gonna start the work! Books are ordered! MC's booked! You're "determined" and "desperate" to recover your integrity!

I hope (MC) is a miracle worker.

There are no miracles in R. Just hard work. If chefwifie gives you another chance, it'll take a year, or two, of your self-motivated, consistent actions, before she even begins to relax and start trusting you again. Do you have what it takes, to put in that kind of long-term effort, with little to no short-term reward?

Yes, I have what it takes. I guess I made it seem like that's all I need to do is buy the books and follow the instructions and everything will be fine. You're absolutely right though. I am here for her. I've been selfish and destructive and my world is crumbling down around me. She wants to leave and I don't know how I can make it. I don't know how I could've done this to her. I don't know how to make her see I'm genuine and deep down in my broken heart I love her and want to be with her and grow old with her. She wants to leave.

My friend boards dogs. She also keeps lots of rescue rabbits. They're in a line of hutches along her fence. When she is given a new dog to look after, the first thing she does is walk it along the line of hutches to judge its character. If the rabbits ignore it and keep eating/sleeping she knows the dog is of good character. If they bolt to the back of the hutch then she knows it's a dog she will have to watch.

Your wife, quite rightly given the hurt she feels, is sensing danger. She's bolting to the back of the hutch. Your job is to look inside yourself and figure out what you need to work on to change that. To turn yourself into someone who can live in harmony with her. To find balance.

At the moment you are way too flighty

I wish you luck. My husband didn't even try to work things out so I love hearing of WSs who do try and succeed. Take your time and do the work properly. It isn't a race, it's a marathon.

Selfish

I did not want my husband to wallow in pain or to sufer.

I wanted him to figure out why he wanted to explode his whole life into slivers! I wanted him to fix himself and be the man that I married.

Good luck.

There is a difference between shame and remorse. What you have right now is shame and you need to be careful its not what you lead your R with. Shame gets you nowhere but into a self hating cycle that allows you to think you're doing the heavy lifting because of how horrible you feel every day. Remorse on the other hand allows you to view your actions as wrong and selfish and lets you have the clear head to examine them and begin self examination and change. I got stuck in that shame spiral more then once. Truth be told I still do sometimes. The only purpose it serves is to make me hate myself and really in the end what does that do. So people here told her to kick you out? My xSO (dont let the ex scare you there is a lot to my story)told his family about my actions. These were people I viewed as family. They told him to leave me. He told strangers when he went out. They told him to leave me. Did it hurt? Hell yes it hurt and I let myself wallow and lamented it here. Then I got my ass handed to me by fellow wayward. I got told what I am telling you. Stop being selfish, stop letting shame lead you in this and start doing the work. R is hard and it is not going to get any easier anytime soon so suck it up and buckle in. This is going to be one hell of a roller coaster.

[This message edited by Unagie at 11:47 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]