SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The hoovering post really stuck a chord with me. I'm definitly feeling "like she might be getting it this time". We'll see what tonight brings, no conversation today. just the ordinary routine of being parents on a weekend and running errands.

Nothing to report from last night. Rugsweeping on both sides... I didn't initiate conversation, she didn't initiate conversation.

This morning I woke and was rationalizing whether her actions are a deal breaker or a setback. Emotionally unavailable, cake-eating, ego-stroking and fishing for attenting... dealbreakers! My heart is heavy this morning thinking about it.

((slicerboy))

"The harder you work the harder it is to surrender"

I fought hard for my M in its dying years - all well before DD. I begged, pleaded screamed, yelled - all the way to becoming numb. I had no idea where my loving and attentive husband went or why he was ignoring me and our beautiful girls.

I worked so hard just to stay married to that guy. I still don't understand why.

I think a part of it is I didn't want to be SO wrong about him. I was though. I was completely wrong about him.

Whatever happens, know this - you're going to be OK.

SlicerBoy, I'm sorry that you found yourself here after 6 years. But now you are not sure anymore, because she seems to "be really getting it", I hope that to be true.

Was there a particular thing that happened that brought you to the place of "I'm done"?

I've just recently come to that place myself. After an emotional soul searching, faith renewal weekend, I called him to talk about us,and it was such a simple thing - but at the end of the conversation that was just going in circles he ended it with "Nice talking to you" - I don't know why, but that was it for me - sounds so stupid really, but that sentence told me everything.

SBB - love this quote.

"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".

she's been emotionally unavailable for the past year or so. i chalked it up to work stress and we've been talking about it. I've told her several times I'm having a hard time understanding where her head is at and whether her heart is still in the relationship. The most recent attemp to connect on my part was met with "I'm not the right girl for you".

This is also "I love you but I am not in love with you"

Although there isn't a physical affair going on, emotionally she's checked out. Well she's trying to check back in now that I asked for divorce.

Slicerboy I have to comment again.

Just lately WH tried his nice tactic again. When I told him being civil is good for the kids sake but no touching, he got pouty and mean. I let him be nice for several days as it was before Easter supper which I didn't want ruined. Then he also started in with the touching. After him attempting to do this in past when threatened with separation, me falling for it, then him going back to being a cold jerk I became immune to it.

Maybe this will work out for you and she is true and maybe you just have to get toughened up to this hoovering to get immune to it.

Either way be cautious and good luck

an update - i had been receiving mixed signals from her, some hovering, some affection, small talk, etc. So I ask her when we can talk again, we held off convo until after the kids went to bed. just a few mins into the convo she clarifies for me that neither of us have changed our minds and she doesn't know how it got this bad, but she agrees to a divorce.

the last few days I reading her mixed signals as a sign that she wanted in, but in reality, they weren't signs at all. So I got what I needed to hear, she didn't come asking for another chance, she didn't ask what we can do to save the marriage, she doesn't want to put in the work to keep me

So I confronted her on this and we discussed, at a high level, that we will proceed with a joint filing. we don't have a timeline set, we agreed to wait until school is out before telling the kids. I shared with her that I am willing to try fixing things by going to marriage counseling before divorcing, another chance in a sense, she said she didn't want to do that. that's what hit me, she's fully checked out emotionally and her moving out is only a matter of time.

the dealbreaker for me was her expressing that she doesn't want to be here and that she'd rather be alone, she says she's frustrated with how things are, but doesn't want to work through it. I said that I deserve to be treated better, she says to her that means that I deserve someone better

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have 3 years of ups and downs, mostly downs underneath my belt. I am starting to believe, I do deserve better and finally filed. So if your WW won't give the effort or take the greatest gift you could give her, another chance, then it's time to give up too.

Buckle up it's going to be a bumpy ride! (((slicer)))

Sorry slicer. it sucks. I'm in the same boat 8 years later. It's overwhelming.

I spent 2 hours going through the state templates for divorce. I live in a no-fault state, have children, real estate, and financial assets.

I have the contact information for a family law office which I obtained through my employer's legal plan.

Just need to gather the courage to call and make an appointment... I will complete this step

Her disinterest in improving the marriage, her lack of emotions toward you, her disconnect....these were all the signs my STBXWH displayed when he was looking for someone else.

I'm not saying she's definitely cheating again, but I'll bet money she's sure thinking about it.

Get out now, honey...don't waste anymore time. Wish I hadn't.

Agreed, her actions scream of the FOG, gaslighting, blameshifting, rugsweeping, etc.

In fact she was really upset with me yesterday that after 6 years since I found out of her betrayal that I was asking for a divorce.

She's also recently asked me if there is someone else.

Wow, maybe she does have an interest in mind. Financially she can't really afford her own place without saving up some cash, and there isn't any family nearby. Perhaps she has a friend in mind, she only tells me she'll figure it out.

I just can't believe that through all the tears and the talkings of the kids and the 20 years we've been together, she'd just grow tired enough to walk away...

and from prior experience, if it doesn't make sense, it's because it's not true. She has to be lying, but I don't have "proof" and I'm not searching for "proof"

the dealbreaker is that she told me she wants to be alone, when I asked if there was someone else, she said no, but many of you would tell me that that's a lie and I know from experience that you'd be right

Her actions are proof enough. Whether she has found her next target or not is not your concern - the fact that she is looking is enough.

I was very uncertain of myself when I walked away for good. He cured me of that uncertainty pretty quickly with his monstrous behaviour. It hurt like hell at the time but I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift. It forced my hand well before I had the strength or courage to do so myself.

Be gentle with yourself. Please find people IRL who will support you through this. Don't do it alone.

Find your anger and channel it into evicting this parasite from your life.

It is had to believe what your eyes are seeing - I'm still astonished at what that guy did to me and our children. I'm still astonished at what he continues to do to them - he has no regard for anyone or anything besides feeding his love addiction.

So tonights she's browsing online for mother's day gifts for my mom and asking me what I think of the things she's thinking of getting for her. WTF!

She's been keeping up this facade for much longer than you've known about it.

It is Cheaters Handbook stuff. She'll soon start talking about how she wants to be 'friends' and other rubbish 'for the kids' - all tools they try to use to keep us compliant.

Wait until she realises she no longer has control of you or that her tactics no longer work on you. It is quite a show!