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Mediation is scheduled for a week from today. But late yesterday afternoon he emails and says we need to postpone because he needs to have my pension valued by a CPA. It's my understanding my pension is only worth what it's worth the day we divorce and since I'm not eligible for retirement yet, that's only what I've paid into it- which we have that info.

Then by last night- he has emailed 2 possible "offers" where I leave out the alimony he leaves the pension alone and we could continue with mediation as planned to hammer out the parenting plan.

Thoughts? Is he just trying to rattle me? Should I consider his offers???

I don't fully understand the valuation, but my lawyers are getting my pension valued as well. It is not just the face value. Don't just agree to the alimony offer though. It's better to make decisions on known facts.

I say stand fast. My suspician is that be is making these offers from a position of weakness, hoping somehow that you will "bite", or at least reconsider your position of strength.

I run every correspondance from the Skank Whore through my attorney. Paying for those 1/5 hour phone calls has proven to be a lot cheaper than wasting time trying to figure out SW's strategy.

My standard reply is "Have your attorney call mine". A lot of the useless crap just gets dropped.

Don't let him push your buttons. Stay strong. And best wishes for a good outcome.

Pension analysis is not straight arithmetic.

The alimony offers are BS.

Divorce is hard and at this point it's a business decision. Each won't get everything they want. Your pension and 401 k and house all need to go through valuations. It is not the day of valuation.

It is natural to be suspicious but you both need to go in mediation with an open mind. Without knowing the figures it is hard to make any decision or make any offers. Mediation is the way to go rather than lawyers and trials.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 7:56 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

I leave out the alimony he leaves the pension alone

who will this benefit? Him? I would not agree to his terms, and I would not agree to a postponement.

Good advice, Caretaker.

For everyone but me. I know that I am 100% incapable of dealing with my stbx with anything even approaching an "open mind".

After all, this is an individual who thinks so little of me that she not only broke her most sacred vow, but she continued to lie about EVERYTHING, big and small, for at least three years. She chose the time, place, and circumstance of her exit to inflict the most pain. She attempted to negotiate a property division before her affairs were discovered (we are in a "fault" state), and she continues to deny her misconduct and continues to lie and place the blame on me.

Perhaps if it were a straight up "irreconcilable differences" situation, I might be able to approach mediation and negotiations with an open mind. But when dealing with a wayward, you are dealing with someone who isn't playing by the same rules as you are.

They set the rules when they lied, cheated, and stole. We just keep that in mind whenever we have to deal with them.

STBXWH and I have very diverse pension plans that are impossible to value due to fluctuation in markets. So depending on what pension investments you have, your's may be similar.

As far as his "offer" to leave out alimony....

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 11:53 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

We had a dickens of a time trying to get my ex to provide current statements of his various retirement accounts. The need to know was so that we could balance out a fair & equitable distribution of assets post-divorce. We didn't need a CPA to calculate future potential, all we needed were current statements.

Unfortunately I'm kind of like justjim on all this. STBXWH has always been a very conning businessman and I always said I didn't want to be on the opposite end of a business deal with him- and look where we are. This is the same man, owns his own company, that amazingly made 70k less in 2013 than 2012 and has yet to pull a paycheck this year as he is making out to be so pitiful (he still gets 7000 in rental income from properties we own- I never see a penny of that as we have separate accounts and always have)

Because I teach and everything about my pay, retirement, benefits, can be accessed by general public I feel at the disadvantage as he hides and squanders whatever he can. He has hourly employees that work for him that made more than he did last year. How can you trust someone that behaves as such in marriage and in business?

He can withhold taking a salary to make it look like his income is insignificant, but he can't hide what the company is making.

Your L needs to see his corporate tax returns. Unless he's defrauding the IRS, those will show what his income is, can be, and was over the past years.

And if you know him to pull in $7k in rental income, half of that is yours. It doesn't matter if you haven't seen it, your L should be informing you that it's half yours (assuming these properties are community property and were not purchased by him before you married).

You may want to consider pulling out of mediation and finding a lawyer who will litigate to protect your future.

If you don't have an attorney get one. Get advice from an experienced person. Don't go it alone here. Also mediation doesn't mean everything is locked in stone. You can take your time to consider all aspects of those things on the table.

STBXWH has always been a very conning businessman

So don't trust him to have your interest at heart. He is out to benefit himself. You must protect yourself. Don't let him badger you for quick answers or decisions. Take all the time you need to understand what is going on, how it will or won't benefit you. (Don't worry about him).

Take the feelings of trying to be fair out of the equation. He won't appreciate it and he will take advantage of your mindset. Be business like, and don't be pressured. You can walk away from the table. Remember that, you can walk away from the table!

My quick take?

Do you believe he is making the offer to be generous?

You may not want a lawyer but if he's shrewd or even just savvy, he is getting legal advice. From the offer he made, someone is making suggestions to him.

Get a lawyer.

You're right you DON'T want to be on the other side of the table from him. You want a shark between you and him / them. Your attorney will be the best "investment" you make in this divorce.

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

I don't agree about not being able to place valuations on wildly fluctuating 401ks and pensions . There are companies out there that do the research.

Mediation doesn't work when one or both are not open minded. You need the path of very expensive lawyers.