A few days ago I finally told my story JFO. My Dday was March 12th where I found an email account I never knew about and there unfolded the affair. He left me and the kids 3 days later, didn't want this anymore. He then changed his tune and said he did a week or so later but till this date hasn't shown anything to prove that. Very little remorse, won't own up to what's happened, won't go back to therapy, won't leave his job and does nothing to get me or the kids back. I laid it on the line with a deadline of asking for passwords, account info, and basically the money trail of the amount he gave this OW. He wouldn't provide it and I believe money is still being unaccounted for. The second email was telling him the things I'd need for him to come back, he never answered it. I was ready to move forward after living in limbo since September.
For the protection of me and my children, I'm filing for D. I saw a lawyer 6 weeks ago when he left and have been in contact with her since as she's been advising me. She told me I need to do it to protect myself. It will force him to fill out his financials and uncover probably all his lies of money and accounts. She's doing the paperwork, I should be getting it soon, signing it and then he will be served probably next week.
As much as I know I need to do this, it just feels so bad. If he would've given me the financials, I'd hold off as he sits in the fog figuring out if he'll do all he needs to do to R and I'd continue to do the 180. I always thought when I get married that marriages can get by affairs, and I still believe that. But he has to do the work.
My biggest fear about this is my kids. I need to get used to the fact they will be without me some days, and that just sucks. They are extremely attached to me since he started all this in the fall and even more now that he's gone. Behaviors are fine, they are actually doing great with his bad energy gone but of course they miss him. We have our first child therapist apt tomorrow. I've been seeing my therapist since Nov/Dec.
I didn't have the affair. I don't want to miss out on a holiday with them. I didn't sign up for this!!! I don't think he will fight me on custody, he knows they are happy here and I'm a SAHM, he works out of state and has 1.5 hr commute each direction each day. In fact, he probably will get an apt. by his work. But overnights? They are 4.5 years old (twins). They haven't been without me. I know I'm jumping ahead here and my lawyer keeps saying babysteps but I can't even imagine.
If I didn't file D, maybe I can just live separated like this and I won't lose control and they'll never go a night without me. But then my financial well being is at risk.
Please talk some sense in me. This really sucks and I feel just so bad right now. Thanks for listening.
