SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wert, thank you for your reply. He did say he needs to work on himself, so maybe he just needs more time away from me. I'm scared I'm not selfless enough to make him feel like I'm worth it. I try to be happy when I do see him, but it's hard to feel anything but sad, ashamed, and awkward. I know he has it a lot worse than I do though. And I need to try harder for us.

Numb&Dumb, the reason I want to work on our relationship is because I'm hoping it can be the way it was before. I'm realizing that will never happen. I threw that away. I don't have much to offer him now that he doesn't enjoy being around me. I keep the house clean, take care of the animals and his dad, pay half the rent and bills, and let him drive my car around. Other than material things, I feel I have nothing left to offer him besides the idea of what we used to have. It doesn't even feel like a relationship anymore. But he hasn't left me, so there's some reason he's still trying.

i understand. some of my wife's TT was because she didnt want to tell me (afraid she'd hurt me, afraid of the consequences, shame, whatever) while some was the "i dont know" or "i cant remember" variety. its taken us awhile to where she actually started to tell the truth and awhile longer before i began to accept that she might not truly know why or remember everything. the TT made it harder for me to believe her when she finally started telling the truth. id say the TT was more destructive to trust than the cheating, in a way.

there was never a period of time that i didnt want to be home. that wasnt an option - we have a 7 year old daughter.

plus, my mindset is different. i went into denial. im a former marine, loyalty to the smallest unit and spreading outwards is ingrained into our fibre (squad > platoon > battalion > usmc > country > world) so in my world my family was my smallest unit. i saw my wife, myself, and our daughter as a little unit - in a way. with my utter loyalty to it. to betray this loyalty was, to me, unthinkable. worse than betraying the country and more along the lines of stabbing the guy in the back who is sharing the fighting hole with you. completely unthinkable.

i crashed hard. emotionally and mentally. blackouts, shaking uncontrollably, crying fits, couldnt sleep, etc.

but i also learned that someone failing doesnt excuse my failing. so the idea of running away (which is what your betrayed partner is doing) didnt occur to me either. im a fighter and not a runner. i did spend more introspective time and did detach to a certain degree from both my daughter and wife in an attempt to preserve my sanity and to rebuild myself.

however, we are all different and react to extreme stress differently.

i cant say whats normal and whats not. i can only say what ive done and experienced and offer that to you as a guideline to help you. im sorry i cant do more. some have been around alot more than me and have more experience.

William, thank you for replying. It makes sense that the TT felt more painful than the cheating itself. My fiancé has said the same thing, he can't trust anything I say anymore. He doesn't even know how to believe that I am telling the full truth. At least the best that I can remember it. My fiancé actually ended it tonight. We just broke up, and he started moving out. I feel like I didn't do everything I could've done, but he told me that just because I messed things up doesn't mean I can fix them.

William, thank you for replying. It makes sense that the TT felt more painful than the cheating itself. My fiancé has said the same thing, he can't trust anything I say anymore. He doesn't even know how to believe that I am telling the full truth. At least the best that I can remember it. My fiancé actually ended it tonight. We just broke up, and he started moving out. I feel like I didn't do everything I could've done, but he told me that just because I messed things up doesn't mean I can fix them.

I'm a BS and will add my 2 cents.

Well, cheating for a lot of people are deal breakers.

I believed I was one of those, and maybe still am...

That second you jumped on someone else, that's all he needed to run away from you.

I'm sure during this entire time since DDAY, he's been struggling back and forth at which direction to go. The "shock" may have held him in place for you, but ultimately, he was probably 90% out the door on DDAY.

On my DDAY, I felt I was 100% done. There was no coming back. I paid to have divorce papers drafted literally an hr or 2 after finding out.

But here am I, a little over 3 months since DDAY and still haven't filed yet...