Ah yes. I wasn't going to open this back up again, especially since you may find the following hypocritical. But honesty is my new mantra, so here goes. And this stuff is hard for me to talk about in open forum, so yeah, blah blah we're all supposedly anonymous, but still, you're real enough to me. Somewhere, someone is sitting in front of a computer, or on their phone, eyeballs on my innermost thoughts about my self-gratification. So I get some points for courage! (Not that we're keeping score)
Ok, so.. It's been an interesting experience. I realized how much time I had spent on it, and how it rewires your brain in unhealthy ways. While it was never an explicit deal breaker of hers, I did vow to never touch the stuff again. I did go 2 months cold turkey but I must admit I did have a setback or two recently, if you want to call it that. I felt ashamed at first for breaking my own vow but I've given it a lot of thought and decided that maybe that was an unrealistic vow in the first place. I don't regret the hiatus. It was time needed for me to put things into perspective and get that craving/need out of my system. But still, for me, that's still incredible because I'd spend all day every day in it. It's a lot easier to stay out of it because it doesn't do for me what it once did and it's difficult to get aroused when you know it's mostly/all fake and there's no intimacy involved, which is all I really crave now, ironically.
I think just as we were able to put our BS out of our minds to do what we did, we do the same thing with the people in the porn videos. They're not real. They don't sit and pay bills. They're not someone's daughter or mother. They have bodies that arouse us, or they're doing acts that arouse us. For me I'm not concerned with *who* the person is in the porn I'm watching and maybe that's a problem. I know the problem is that we see these acts and we fantasize about them and we feel our own personal lives should be that way, or we're comparing our own time in the bedroom with that of porn stars and our spouses can never live up. So I know it was a problem, and why it was a problem. But sometimes, the urge is there and I need that release. I would rather it be my wife and I would rather not look at the stuff. But I'm also trying to be realistic. I think it's possible to be happy and satisfied with your marriage and love life and still watch some porn and jerk off and not have it mean anything.
But full disclosure, I obviously did have a problem with it, so it's hard to say that my thoughts are completely unbiased.
I also don't think you (sorrowfulsoul) should get shot down by wanting to discuss it. I've said the same thing "Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu". As late as this advice is, I do think you should keep an open mind by his use of it, provided it's not excessive. You went away for a week, that's a long time for a man left to his own devices. Realize that it's hard and embarrassing to talk about, which is why probably why he doesn't want to. That's the thing our spouses don't understand. We love them. We really really do. We want to hold them, and love them, and make them feel good and loved and wanted. But, we also like the arousal of porn and the subsequent release. Maybe that's where compartmentalizing begins. Loving marriage in one compartment. Porn in another. I'm just thinking out loud here.
Honestly, I forget that porn exists some days, which is pretty amazing actually. It's kind of weird because BW still likes to look at random stuff on facebook and last night asked me, while we're lying in bed: "how's this dear?" I look over and it's a bunch of topless cheerleaders doing... well, I don't remember what they were doing in the video because it was topless cheerleaders. But I was like, uh huh, and went back to watching TV. Honestly, given everything, I don't know why she'd think it's ok showing me something like that.
So, perhaps it was unrealistic of me to swear off porn entirely. I also swore off alcohol and did abstain for about that length of time too. But then, BW wanted me to have a glass of champagne with her. She'd forbid me to drink when we went out, but I guess as time passes and we're healing and she sees me doing the work, she's also realizing that maybe that's not totally realistic either. I had dinner at her restaurant and she suggested a wine that paired well with what I was eating. So I ordered, and I enjoyed it, despite the red flag going off in my head "OMG, wine!". I realize these things require extra sensitivity now, given my past, but now that I'm cognizant of it, as is she, perhaps it's less of an issue now if it's in moderation. That's the big thing with me: when I turn things into an addiction. Excessive drinking. Excessive porn. Excessive facebook. Even excessive martial arts - feeling like I needed to prove myself against the younger folks, or feeling obligated to teach classes all the time. I swore off facebook too, but I'll check it every so often. Once every couple days. Sometimes BW will post on her restaurants page and ask me what I think of it. Sometimes there will be something on there I want to look up. But it's just a tool now. A glorified rolodex and newsfeed. I deleted most of the stuff from my timeline, all of my personal photos; BW had herself a big deleting party where she got rid of most of the people who I didn't know that well or who I shouldn't have in there (like female friends of hers). I no longer really care what other people are up to and doing. If only I didn't care sooner.
It holds no power over me now and, especially now that I got rid of the mobile facebook app, my smartphone usually sits idle, in plain sight. I'm not off in secrecy, checking for likes, or comments, or whatever, under the covers. My phone is a super trigger. I hate the fucking thing. (though it does have its legitimate uses).
My longwinded point, because I'm a longwinded type of guy, is that I'm trying to moderate myself in all things regardless of what they are, with special sensitivity paid to the things that got me in trouble before. From what I eat, to how much video games I play or TV I watch, to porn, facebook, alcohol.
In my wayward mind there were no consequences to my actions and I could do whatever I wanted, so I indulged at whim. I would also have no problem catching the eye of whatever cute girls I'd pass in the parking lot, or in the supermarket. And even after I'd get my look, I'd find a way to turn around and watch them. I'm still struggling with this one, and I know others have discussed this on here a lot as well. Sometimes I "white knuckle" it. Sometimes I get my look, but don't look again. Sometimes I don't even have to white knuckle it because I just don't give a shit. I'm there for butter, frozen peas, ground beef, and flowers for my wife who I absolutely love and adore.
It's like in the early days when I said "I'm never going to look at other women again! I'll look the other way" and I got a lot of 
because, you know what, they exist. You can't go through life avoiding the opposite sex entirely, and I'm not going to Tibet to join a monastery. I tell myself, maybe those girls are single and want to attract single guys. Maybe they're married and broken. Either way, yeah, nice legs but I don't want any part of that. Butter. Frozen Peas. Ground Beef. Flowers.
Anyway, it's a process. I know there will be some of you disappointed with my thoughts, but you know what, I'm the one that has to live with myself. I know there's ongoing debate about whether some porn is ok or not, or whether complete abstainance is the only way. Don't get me wrong, if it was a dealbreaker for her - had she said "if you look at porn again, I'm leaving you and taking our son with me.", then I would've installed my own porn blockers and probably sought out a certified sex addiction therapist and electroshock or whatever it would take. Because I'm NOT going to lose my wife and family over porn. I know my looking doesn't make her happy and I'm trying not to as a general rule, and I think that's good enough. And usually I don't even have to try, I just don't. When you make it not a big deal, it becomes not a big deal.
So we'll see. It has no hold over me anymore, and it's all the same crap every time, maybe I'll lose interest in it entirely. I'm also hopeful that increased alone time with BW will also result in decreased porn urges and, at 3 months out, it's understandable why we're not as intimate as frequent as we could be. Like Dr J, It's really only after some time of no release that I want to.
So, I'm definitely conflicted. I can see how porn can be wrong and unhealthy in so many ways. But I can also see how it can be unhealthy to have extra anxiety over it, to be made to feel dirty or ashamed over something we've biologically built for. I felt bad even masturbating after dday for a while. Porn is a dangerous area and I definitely am acutely aware of its effects having been wayward. I *am* concerned over the potential to fall into bad ways of thinking because of it. But if I watch some and/or masturbate, it's not going to deter me from my mission to be a better man, husband, and father. It doesn't make me a horrible person. I remain mindful, and self aware.
I wish I could give better and more resolute advice about it.
And you're right, not being addicted to things comes with a lot of free time and creativity. I'm working on decorating the house since we have a lot of bare walls. Putting family photos into frames and hanging them. I really am enjoying my life more and more in non-sexual ways.
-edited for typos
[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 3:57 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
