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Truth be told, WS do have choices. My H BETTER be "really happy". Your H was trying to give you a loving complement. I have learned that when my H says something crazy instead of letting him have it I now try to mirror what he is saying.

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

I think this is the ticket right her. It's funny as I read this I see a number of misunderstandings that I have had with my own wife. I see what he said and then I watch the posts and there is so much being read into his comment that I don't think he intended. I might have made this exact statement and let me explain how I take it. (note: I don't know your husband and can't read his mind so this may not be his thinking at all.)

Of course you both chose each other. But he had no control over your decision to stay and make it work only his own. For that reason to him your decision feels more like luck. Meanwhile, as he is looking at the life that he is building with you and thinking about the life he could have with out you he's reminded that his choice was the right one. At the same time he's probably feeling bad that he ever put himself in the position where he may not have even had that choice. I really do think it was meant as a very strong complement.

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

Boy, those $$$ of therapy have paid off.

I get it and if everything else was equal great response. After an A, however, I would need to get a reality check from WS that there internal dialog was straight. The above is communication for a healthy relationship, where one party has not demonstrated their head is up their ass.

I guess I am saying context matters here. If everything is great, then yes re-phrase and redirect. If not, call them on their shit. There is a time for both.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 9:35 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

to him your decision feels more like luck

Then he needs to say, "I feel like the luckiest man in the world, that you, my dear wife, chose to give me another chance to stay married to YOU"!

Yep, every time I hear the "chose/choose" words on this site, it boils my blood.

Thankfully my WS never said such a thing, but he said plenty of other stupid things post A...

Struggling16 what you said about " shopping" hits home for me. It feels like the WS was shopping around for a better option. Unfortunately shopping around is not supposed to be an option after marriage. I should not need to compete to be his first choice.

I hope it was just a case of not thinking about the words he was using while trying to express happiness in his current situation. Of course he really needs to remember that after d-day, you're the one that made a choice he should be grateful for.

My MIL is terrible with backhanded compliments. I practice the phrase, "I don't think you meant that the way that it sounded." and it helps me stand up for myself and to point out her rudeness and thoughtlessness.

T/J Hmmm, maybe WH's thoughtlessness is genetic?

Mindfulness needs to be something that a WS attends to on every level after DD.

Wow just wow. WS trys to compliment BS and we give them hell. My WS used the same damn sentence, I freaked out.... especially considering he had 2 ONS? This was in the beginning ( within the first few months after dday)and when I freaked out on him he sat down with me later and told me one of the books he was reading said to consistently remind me that he chooses me.

So maybe our WS are reading the same crap... or my WS is just too ignorant to see that it didn't mean repeat this sentence to your BS.

[This message edited by kate0421 at 3:40 PM, May 7th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

I felt a pang as I read your posting, because just yesterday (our 19th anniversary) my FWH gave me a card that included the words, "I am so glad you have chosen to stick with me." Along with "I don't deserve you." It was exactly what I wanted to read. And yes, I would have been less impressed by "I'm glad I chose you."

But..........people are sometimes just bad with words. I think I am more inclined to agree with those who urge you to try to see what he said ("I'm glad I chose you") in a more positive light.

On D-Day, both BS and WS have a choice to make. The BS has to choose whether to R with WS or kick him/her out. That decision can take a nanosecond or months.

The WS also has to choose: try to repair the damage s/he has done and stay and work on R and the M, or leave--maybe for the AP, maybe not. That decision, too, might take a nanosecond or months to figure out.

If both spouses decide to R, R is a period of constant re-evaluation of those choices as the couple tries to get the relationship back on track.

So when your FWS says that he is glad he chose you, he's recognizing that he could have walked away (which might have been the easier choice--R is not for sissies) but did not. And he's glad he did not, as it would have been a terrible mistake--he would have lost you and his life would be emptier.

Of course, it is preferable to hear, "I'm glad you chose me." Talk to him about this, absolutely. He'll probably be appalled that his words provoked that reaction.

Just had a similar text this morning. I'm struggling similarly. Viewing anything positively in light of the A is difficult. I keep trying to focus on the notion that she didn't stay "gone," but thinking about that underscores what happened while I thought we were on solid ground.

R is definitely not for sissies.

Hell, M isn't.

What wonderful replies. I brought it up to him and he said he understood why I would take it that way, but did not intend for it to be that way

This made me

T/J Hmmm, maybe WH's thoughtlessness is genetic?

My Mil is also a queen at backhanded comments so it could be! She was very abusive to fWS as a child and even into his adult years. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

@Crazyblindsided -

My Mil is also a queen at backhanded comments so it could be! She was very abusive to fWS as a child and even into his adult years. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree

OMG I know you! You are my SIL.

Whenever my fWH puts his foot in his mouth I tell him what it made me think or feel and ask if that's what he meant.

If his mindset is that he was shopping that would be a huge problem for me. I would want him to dig into that mindset more because his saying he's glad he chose you would make me think he thought it was an acceptable path that he followed ya know to go out shoppin for a possible replacement and don't get me started about a test driving analogy...

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:09 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

I agree that talking to him about his choice of words is important. I would want so hard to believe the reframing of the statement that others posted to help him out. While I can agree that sometimes people are just bad at words, I think at other times the words chosen reveal the thought process. In this case how do you ignore the blatant message that his perception was that he had a choice between you and another? My mind goes to, " shouldn't he be glad he decided to win me back?" It seems a truly remorseful WS would view their role as pursuing the BS and proving to then they are worthy instead of sitting back and weighing the options. It sounds like he saw you as a given rather than a treasure he lost. It would totally make me question my decision to stay.

That said, it would probably be a wonderful idea to ask him what choices he was referring to. It could have been between working hard on himself to keep you or choosing his own fog and leaving.