SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Before you can even begin to consider R, your WS needs to understand there is absolutely NC with the OM.....none, nada! He needs to be blocked from her phone and email. If somehow he does reach her, she immediately hangs up...if on phone. If internet, she does NOT open nor read his msgs and never deletes anything until you see it. If he shows up at your house she doesn't answer the door (even if he is pounding on the door, and she calls you ASAP and 911. No allowing him any kind of input or her just wanting to find out what he wants....EVER. And she tells you ASAP. No choices on her part to vary from this plan. No determining what you need to know. She spills every time. You must know everything that happens as it happens.

When she truly understands this and accepts it you can begin to consider R. You don't have to decide anything quickly. Take you time to adjust. Time to see if she truly gets it. Time to see if she can own her choices and work towards healing both of you.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:00 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

SWAT,

Regarding what to tell your kids. Keep this in mind:

Your wife’s affair is public knowledge. She told the group of LEO spouses, your colleagues all know, OM has made public displays… Your affair is out there. Everyone that wants to knows about it.

So chances are your kids have heard something. Plus I am 100% certain they have already senses there is a major threat to their family…

Look – No matter how careful the parents might be then kids listen and hear a lot more than one would imagine. So your colleague talking to his wife about your situation might be overheard by your DD classmate… Kids being what they are then your son might already have been called out on his mom being a w#### in some playground scrap. Whatever. Plus no matter how careful those that are closest to you are then word spreads and it spreads to less careful mouths…

I think it’s of ultimate importance right now for your kids to get something to anchor onto. That tends to be the truth, served in an age-appropriate way and in the right level of detail.

Does your department cover family counseling? Does your kid’s school have a counselor? I really think you need to call in the cavalry on this one. I suggest you check what resources are available to you.

DEFINITELY talk to their home-room teachers. You might want to let your kids know they can always talk to their teacher if they feel sad.

SWAT – Your DD reactions when you came home and her devious plan for breakfast… That’s her reaction to save her family. She needs reassurance that she doesn’t have to take that role.

I am NOT saying you should tell her everything will be hunky-dory. Divorce is still a strong possibility. But you should assure her that no matter what happens you will be dad, mom will be mom and they will be loved.

About her exposure of the affair…

Although it might lead to people gossiping then the exposure and might have short-term negative effects then exposure will turn out to be one of the biggest tools to your recovery – irrespective of R or D. People will gossip but those that are important in your life are better capable of helping, while those that aren’t important will gossip until the next neighborhood scandal comes along.

[This message edited by Bigger at 4:31 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

As a kid it was disturbing to sense a sudden tension, tragedy, anger in my parents and not know something of the source of those emotions.. I FELT left out because I was left out..As a result I felt like the unhappiness between my parents was MY fault..

Had I been kept in the loop of my parents situation (in a broad sense) and the plans they were making, I would have made a better adjustment to our family life as the truth that it was...

Your kids will soon realize that both of you will always be in their routines, in their lives as loving parents, even if you guys decide not to live together as a man and wife...

I agree that behind this shit sandwich of a situation one finds out who their true friends are...Those true friends , teachers and counselors if enlisted can be of tremendous help to your kiddos..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:21 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

I have followed your thread from the beginning. My heart really hurts for you. I have not entered the thread because you were getting such good support, support that also greatly benefits me. I am 8.5 months past DDay 1 and 5 months past DDay 3 (I think).

Please listen to OutoftheDeep. I think her observations are so astute (from an education obtained in the most painful way). Initially, I was desperately trying to prove I was the better man, staking claim through HB, showing how I was really superior, etc. (This was after being suicidal, zombie-like, no sleep, puking, etc.) But the roller coaster from hell description is accurate. I was the closest to actually filing for D at about 8 months out. With so much pain and mood swings in between. It is a not a straight line sloping upward to the right on the recovery chart. Very difficult times ahead. However, right now I am still hopeful of reconciliation with my WW of 37 years.

You will or have read the actions required of a WS to really reconcile - real, deep, soul wrenching remorse, owining their shit, working on themselves, carrying the load for reconciliation, putting up with and supporting the BS through the violent ups and downs that occur hourly, daily, weekly, etc. I think my WW is just getting there. She is still minimizing somewhat, gaslighting a little, rug seeping some but IMO progress is being made. I am hopeful but I know we have a long, long road ahead of us with many ups and downs. Right now I am with your tag line "not divorced". Sorry but like Outofthe Deep says, the worst is yet to come.

Bigger has provided such great insight on so many threads. I would humbly offer my support to his thoughts as well. My WW has huge FOO issues that have never been acknowledged until now. They probably made her vulnerable to crossing the line to adultery. The sins of the fathers (and/or mothers). Her father committed adultery and abandoned her, her mother and siblings when my wife was 11. Of course there is much more to the story but this thread is for you, SWAT. The things that Bigger indicate happen. A child trying to pull the family together (taking on that responsibility), being the surrogate spouce, feeling responsible for the problems and on and on. Please heed the words from Bigger but with all counselling make sure the counselor doesn't do more damage.

Just my thoughts SWAT. My heart goes out to you and your children. But also to your WW. You are in my prayers.

Ted

Thanks everyone. I called around and my insurance actually will pay for therapy for the kids. I'm planning on talking to them tonight. WW is coming over in a little while so we an plan it out.

WW was very subdued on the phone, so something is up. I'm not sure what exactly but she is fairly easy to get a read on. She doesn't hide her emotions very well. When she was having her affair I knew there was something wrong, I just didn't think it was her talking and planning to sleep with one of my good friends. Her demeanor and attitude changed and I tried so hard to get her to talk to me. I never thought this would happen to us.

After spending time away and only seeing WW with or about the kids it really hit me. I'm alright! I will be alright no matter what happens. I will be a great father to my kids and if we divorce, I'm sure in time I can find someone to share my life with. Lots of you have said this and I understood what everyone was saying. But I didn't honestly believe it. So much of who I am is tied to my family. Being an only child of a single parent, my life was good. It was so much better when I meet my BIL and became friends, his family became mine as well. Later his little sister became my wife and the love of my life. I was very, very happy. Was life perfect, not by a long shot. I love my wife and kids and that will never change. Can I forgive her now? I'm not sure and just two weeks ago that hurt me immensely. Now I know it will hurt but understand I can still be happy on the other side.

I can still be happy on the other side.

That's huge! That's when I started really moving forward. I wound up reconciled and remarried to my wife, but the key to all of it for me was knowing that I was going to have a great future and choosing to make that happen.

I'm thrilled that I have a better, stronger, happier marriage today, but I was absolutely certain that I was going to have a better, stronger, happier life in any future I created.

best luck

Good for you, SWAT. You are on a good path for your own healing, no matter which outcome you choose. Our second MC made a point of telling us that we could both be good parents and have good relationships with our kids, whether we were M or D. That we needed to evaluate our choice to R based on whether we wanted to be M to each other and have a future together.

Just give yourself time. Hopefully the answer will become clear. You are doing great. You have shown incredible strength and grace through the most awful of circumstances. You are a good man and will have a good life. Get yourself healed and just keep watching to see what WW will do in regard to her own healing. Then you can decide. And you will be okay. No doubt in my mind.

SWAT, out of every post you have made;

Now I know it will hurt but understand I can still be happy on the other side.

^^^^stands head and shoulders above the rest. D or R, the immediate imperative to *find a solution* to the pain is gone. Granted, the roller coaster is still there, but remember what you just said.

WW was very subdued on the phone, so something is up.

Honestly? She is probably coming to the same realization. With or without her you will be ok. She is realizing just what she has done to herself. I would lay pretty big money on the fact that she never envisioned herself as an adulteress. Hopefully, she will turn that to her advantage and use it to want to become *safe* for herself and her family.

Strength

SWAT, awesome self-realization! It's a great feeling knowing you can survive no matter the outcome.

Can I forgive her now?

Just remember, you don't have to answer this now. It can take you weeks, months or longer before you choose to forgive. That is YOUR choice.

Also, just because you forgive her, doesn't mean you have to R or D. Forgiveness is a great step in YOUR healing process.

Have you two signed up for MC?

I'm alright! I will be alright no matter what happens. I will be a great father to my kids and if we divorce, I'm sure in time I can find someone to share my life with. Lots of you have said this and I understood what everyone was saying. But I didn't honestly believe it.

Reading this from you is so encouraging. Yes, you will be alright and now that you're not making a decision out of a place of fear, you can really decide what is best for you.

It does feel good. I feel lighter than I have in some time. Everyone has been so helpful and given great advice. The hardest part is following the advice.

I just can't be held responsible for what happens anymore. I can't be the one to fix her or what she has done. That's on her and I honestly wish her the best. I love her and maybe it will work, who knows.

But for now I'm on the deck with the little guy. He is "fishing"

and I'm drinking a coffee. He is imitating his brother and telling me about the ones that got away. I'll make a truer fisherman out of him yet.

The sun is shining and it's 70 degree life can't get much better for me.

Very happy to hear you enjoying yourself SWAT. Letting go of the outcome is a big path to healing. I'm learning to do that myself, and now that I have, I can honestly say that I feel lighter too.

You are a very strong individual SWAT. I admire you for it. Keep enjoying your afternoon and hug your kids just a little bit tighter. They are the most precious thing in your world.

yop

Swat,

It is called a roller coaster because of all the highs and lows. The thing about this particular roller coaster is it isn't just you or your wife on the ride, your kids are also. Especially as they have a connection with you and their mom.

Get them into counseling. If you haven't lied to them in the past don't start now. They know something is going on, chances are they know most of it but are to young to understand completely what happened. (My younger two didn't know about sex, so daddy sleeping with ow wasn't so bad. They slept with their friends- was that bad?).

Age appropriate answers to questions. When they ask, and they will (one day) be prepared to tell the truth. Older 2 asked me if he was sleeping with ow while married to me? in group therapy. Therapist told me to tell the truth. I did. I told them I believed he was. Little ones took it literally.

I just wanted to put it out there, if your kids have no understanding of sex..... They don't quite understand the depth of betrayal.

Good luck,

K

Ok...OM must have a death wish. He just sent another email to my wife. He doesn't know she isn't using that email anymore and I've changed the password. "Hey baby I'm sorry for how I acted. You where ignoring me again and I missed talking to you. Call me. "

Can you believe this guy. I can't believe I thought he was a friend and I trusted him. I mean police work is dangerous and I trusted the SOB with my life. I trusted him around my family and he had keys and alarm codes to my house. How could I have been so blind?

I know you know this: but don't let your justified anger with him lead you to do something you will regret.

The good news - if there is any - is that you now know when it came to that night that your wife didn't invite him over, and she was telling the truth about that.

I know. My kids are getting off the bus any minute and this happens. I'm supremely pissed right now. I won't do anything stupid but I can feel my blood pressure rising. WW is not gonna be happy with me when she gets here.

as tempting as it might be, don't respond. forward the email to the DA. Isn't that a violation of his RO?

you were so blinded because he was a friend.

Just want to let you know you seem like a great man. I was betrayed by my LEO H, and it's refreshing to know that that entire community aren't filled with vile men like my soon to be XH. I wish you nothing but peace in your journey. Dday for me was this past Friday, and I am still reeling in misery, but as everyone has said...this too shall pass..

The saddest cases I ever saw as a Prosecutor were the ones where one defendant had been outrageously provoked, but not in a way that would give rise to any defense.

Don't be one of those cases. This should absolutely be another violation of the PO. Not sure why WW would be mad at you, even if you did change the PW.

Re your earlier post - there is a point in life when we realize we cannot control other people, and that in the end the decision about reconciliation isn't in your hands, it is in your wife's. In mine I realized if she could make changes, I would reconcile, if she didn't we wouldn't.

Brought me peace - I let my WW know I was cheering for her and I would help if I could, but it really was her decision. I Started to sleep better the moment I came to truly understand this.

If this is a violation of the RO, does that mean that WW is going to have to file the complaint?

This is like constantly having your stitches ripped out of your wound.

Don't do anything stupid SWAT. Those kids of your need you now more than ever.

When the next complaint is filed against him, what does this do?