Thanks to each of you for your support. It is deeply appreciated.
I'll give more details as to what happened. I was too angry and exhausted to write much at the time.
We are still together, in fact I am in a foreign country where I still fumble through the language. I did come out of my room, but we had to cancel plans we had for a nice dinner with another couple. I had him tell them that I "wasn't feeling well". Which is true I suppose
He still struggles to be honest and maintain prior agreements we have made.
These are clear and concise agreements. No porn, no porn substitutes, no masturbation. Simple. These aren't fuzzy agreements with exceptions. There are none.
He is honest when I ask him about his activities. The problem is that I HAVE to ask. And I have to ask the right question.
I asked.
He then proceeded to do something I have not seen since the early days of finding out about his A's. He tried to justify, his actions. There was that familiar tone of voice, look in the eye, and sheepish body language followed by his reasons....He told me not to be so angry, (when I'm angry I am very direct, without yelling or crying) and wanted to know if maybe I wasn't being "unreasonable" ? Unreasonable?
Unreasonable to expect that he follow through on decisions and honor his word? No. I feel confident that my expectations are reasonable. Nice try though..., I mean if you can't win the argument on the basis of your own illogical reasoning, try to make the other party doubt theirs.
After all he wasn't getting enough sex, (apparently he keeps score) and because I recently started a new job, (I have been stressed and exhausted, working 50 hour weeks to get started, I leave at 6am and return at 7pm) and he was "doing me a favor" by not asking me to have sex. Yep, you read that correctly....a favor. He wasn't pressuring me because he knows how stressful it is to start a new job in a new country, and that it takes some time to settle in. I am not an unwilling partner, and this time of transition will pass. Impatience combined with selfishness is clearly a problem.
This guy that I just described, isn't particularly attractive right now. If you want to jack up your sex life, keep on with the impatience, selfishness and general wishy washy decision making. I find loyalty, decisiveness and unwavering focus on what matters most, sexy.
As a favor he took care of himself. He simply changed the agreement on his end, made a unilateral decision, and kept control of the flow of information. On top of that he tried to convince me that this was the more sensible option, and that I should see it differently.
All I see is another broken agreement. I do not deserve this. Period. Neither do my children, and neither does he. Keeping his word, is a serious problem. When he decides he wants something, he will break his word to me, to get it, and jeopardize everything that I have worked to repair in myself, let alone the work he has done.
I was of course livid...Almost 5 years out, SO much work, and he can go into justification mode, omission, and subtle gaslighting, in the blink of an eye.
Every time he makes choices that hurt me, I must work again to repair myself. He's putting an awful lot on my shoulders I believe.
Since I originally posted, he has changed his tune, and is sorry, he wants another chance, and wants to do better.
It's now Mother's day in this time zone. So I am putting on a happy face, and spending the day with my kids and him. We have had the usual conversations where he accepts responsibility (in word) and he is being helpful etc.....BTDT.
This really doesn't need to be this difficult. Why on Earth does he continue to make it so.
But now I wonder, if the tunes he sings, are just lullabies he switches on and off, to sooth me into some kind of foggy slumber, where he can go on doing as he pleases without regard for how this affects anyone else.
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 3:50 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]
