SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're still so early on in this process. Please be patient with yourself. You're going to be in pain for a while but it WILL get better. I promise. This is the hard part and you are moving toward something better.

I am SO impatient! lol. It is such a downfall. Comes in handy at work though. It's a nice day here in the Northeast, maybe ill take the baby for a jog or something...or have a margarita. Mother of the year! lol

Exercise is great for dealing with the stress. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

April - have you started the wheels of your child support order in motion? Please make SURE that you do. At least you'll get a good portion of Father of the Year's salary every month so you can sock it away for your child's college education.

No one can force this douche canoe to be a decent human, but the courts can make sure he's at least financially responsible for your son.

He and his OW/fiancee/soulmate will eventually get EVERYTHING they so richly deserve.

But in the interim April, make SURE to get that child support order in motion. Do NOT procrastinate on that.

Oh I have. As is, I don't stand to get much CS from him at all. He is now going for 50/50 which I am against bc it's too much shuffling, but even without 50/50, it wont be much. But he is and will step up to the plate as far as CS goes, otherwise he will have no balls...

Today is the first day I have felt like I won't get through this. I found myself googling things last night on "how to peacefully die." I feel like this is really the bottom of my despair, I haven't delved down to it because I know how scary my depression can be. I am going to see the therapist shortly, but I just feel like I can't bear this pain anymore.

April, this is a long road. You are also a first time mother with a very young baby. You are suffering the double whammy of betrayal and post natal depression. It’s normal to feel this way after either – but to have both at the same time is truly dreadful.

Please see your doctor or post natal nurse and tell them how you are (not) faring. You have a loving family and wonderful friends. I think we all remember days when we just wanted the world to stop. For everything to stop. I remember feeling vaguely surprised I was still alive upon waking from sleep (not that it was “sleep”, it was falling into a different state of being), somehow still living and breathing. But there is a world worth living for out there. You are imprisoned by your trauma and dire emotional condition, but you do hold the key. No one else does – you do.

He was never responsible for your happiness – you were. Yes, you were happy with him and happy to have a baby with him. Yes, he was responsible for making you desperately unhappy. But now YOU are responsible. And you are responsible for your own happiness and the happiness of your son until he is old enough to take care of himself. Through him, you will find happiness again. And you will love again. Not now, not this year maybe. But you will. If you have loved once, you can love again. If you have trusted once, you can trust again (but with more caution!).

You are in control now. No one but you. So look at yourself and KNOW you can do this. Little steps, one hour and one day at a time. If you had been run over with every bone broken, no on would expect you to get up and walk. So be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. Have a small goal each day, even if it’s just to walk with your son in his stroller to a pleasant local coffee shop. Watch the people go by, feel the sun on your face, count your blessings – because you have more than you think.

You have met people here who have and are going through exactly what you are going through right now. So you are not alone. And those others are living proof that some jerks are better out of your life sooner rather than later.

Get some strength from your counselling. It will get better. Honestly, it will.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:37 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

I wish I didn’t just have the baby, you are right, it is making everything so much worse. I also wish I wouldn’t have an attachment to him for 18 years, that is SO long.

I am very thankful for the support system I have, but it just doesn’t feel like enough anymore. I am no longer as strong as I thought I was, it’s all gone down hill. You’re right- I don’t sleep, without medicine I wouldn’t sleep. I don’t even breathe anymore, it’s sad that I have to remind myself to breathe.

I let him control TOO much of my happiness, it was always about him, always. The shitty part is, he was never happy with me, I wasn’t meant to be his.

The road to happiness seems painful and depressing and just hopeless. I am so hopeless. I try to find the joy in my son, but nothing is bringing me joy.

It is so nice to know I am not alone, but it feels like that. I am so lonely even though I have tons of support. I stil haven’t let myself cry, and it’s getting frustrating that I cant cry.

April,

After reading this from start to finish I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now. I know HOW you are feeling though, I know WHAT you are feeling, as many of us have gone through these same feelings of betrayal as you have.

What I wanted to comment on was that there was a time for me, about 4 months after D-Day, where I was in such despair I started to feel... I don't know how to describe it. Like I "broke through" into something much darker. I could still feel the pain of it, but I started having thoughts about how great if would be if I could just end my life.

I didn't want to do anything spectacular. I wasn't thinking about driving into the OM's house at top speed. I wasn't thinking about trying to make some huge statement about infidelity and scarring my wife and children. I was actually thinking that my wife would probably be so much happier now, she could get all this insurance money and she could finally just go be with this other guy instead of staying with me and trying to struggle through this.

On a vacation trip with my wife to 'reconnect', I was standing on the streets of Atlanta, watching the MARTA buses go by, and I have to say that I was literally visualizing what it would be like and how fast it would be over if I "accidentally slipped" and just let it cream me. Would I feel anything? My wife was with me and was asking if I was OK several times, what was wrong, ... I did eventually tell her after we returned home. She broke down crying and apologized a million times and begged me to get help.

I did.

What you are feeling is going to seem truly unbearable. I am 2 years out and my anti-versary is coming up within two weeks. I am nowhere near consumed with this as I was back then, but I'm also not ashamed to admit that I still hurt sometimes, and yes, although I fought it, I took some anti-depressants and I found that they DID help me for several months to get my head straight.

If you are truly feeling that low, please, please seek assistance. If talking on SI doesn't help, try talking/crying with a friend or family member. If you haven't found a therapist yet, try and find one. In the end, just because someone did something incredibly shitty to you doesn't mean that *YOU* are unworthy or that *YOU* are the problem, even though I know you feel that way (I did, at first).

I am so, so very sorry for what you are going through.

Hi Mass,

Well you did it, you brought the tears to my eyes, lol. You literally hit the nail on the head in regards to accidentally slipping… I have thought that way more often than I care to admit. It would be over so quick and so easily, but the pain I would bring those that love me would be too much to bear, and I couldn’t do that to them, or my son.

I know he will be better off without me, as I will without him. I would never trust him, and he would just grow to resent me. There is no choice here but the path of D that I am walking on.

I am thinking of going on some anti-depressants, I can’t continue feeling like this, and I can’t be a burden on everyone else. It wouldn’t be me failing at something, it would be me taking a step to be happy. I have a wonderful therapist who I have been with for almost 4 years. I am going to look into getting medicine the next time I meet with her. I wish I could fast-forward to 3 years from now and see where I am going to be. I hope, like you I don’t hurt as much. Thank you for reaching out.

OK - glad to see that you have a therapist.

I went on Prozac from something like October of 2012 until around March of 2013. I will tell you very quickly of my experience. Not to deter you, but I want you to know what you are getting yourself into... and yes, I know medication affects everyone differently, but...

I started very small, like 10mg. I was on this dose for 2 weeks, and I basically felt nothing. I felt worse, actually. It was upped to 20mg for about a week. Still, I was feeling ready to jump. I called my doctor, nearly in tears, begging for some relief because it just wasn't working. He upped the dosage to 40mg, and that's when the fun started.

On Prozac, I was constantly in a semi-state of consciousness, even when I was "sleeping". I say, "sleeping", because I pretty much kissed that goodbye. No matter what I did, I would try to fall asleep at 10pm, then I would wake up at 1am, 2am, 3am, 5am, etc. The doctor recommended taking Melatonin to help me sleep, so I started with 1 pill, then 2 pills, 3 pills, finally I took 4 pills one night (I think that was something like 12mg?) and when I woke up at 1am, I was in such a state of exhaustion, it was almost like sleep paralysis. I was conscious, I could think, I could *barely* open my eyes, but my body was so lethargic I couldn't really move. I stopped talking the Melatonin after that.

When I finally stopped talking Prozac, it literally took at least a month before I could get 6 hours of solid sleep and I nearly wept when I saw how much I slept the previous night.

Now, for the good stuff.

I had bad dreams after D-Day that seemed uncontrollable. Randomly in these dreams I would find my wife kissing strange men, I would find her having sex, I would be going through emails and finding her saying all of these horrible things about me. It was all fantasy but I was constantly a wreck over it. The very first night I was at 40mg, I started to have a bad dream, but in my dream, I got ANGRY, and I was like, "SELF, STOP THIS." And it did. From that moment I could control some of these bad dreams, it was almost like I could just stop the dream, and for lack of a better analogy, pick up the needle on the record and just put it somewhere else so I could dream of something else.

Also, I would have these uncontrollable thoughts. One bad thought would lead to another. What happens if he contacts her again. She is going to leave me. She is going to call him and leave me. Why did this happen to me? I was a good husband mostly. Well, I did do this one thing about 6 years ago. Holy crap, why did I do that. Why did I say that. I am such a piece of shit. Is he better than me in bed? Is that it? I have been asking her for years to talk openly about sex but she never does. Did I pressure her to much? Am I not big enough? Does she not like the way I kiss?

Thoughts like that - it would be uncontrollable for hours on end and I would totally lose myself in it. I would be at work and one minute it would be 9:15am and I'd see the office reminder come up to tell me I had a meeting I had to dial into at 9:30am, and then I'd get all caught up in myself and the next time I'd look at the clock it was 10:08. Prozac helped me stop this.

Honestly if I didn't have the problems with sleep, I'd have taken it for much longer because I felt it was very helpful for me to stop getting caught in thought patterns like that. Yes, sometimes I was numb to the world but at times like that, frankly, you NEED to be numb and alcohol is definitely not the answer. I recall when I came off the Prozac and my doctor was asking me to basically give some feedback on it, I described Prozac as, "Poison being the cure."

I wish you good luck and I hope you don't experience the sleep problems because they are just absolutely the worst.

I guess this wasn't "very quickly" after all. Heh.

Hi April- My heart is breaking reading you pain through your words. Maybe your OB can help with a prescription for the postpatum depression? Will your therapist take you earlier in case of an emergency?

We're all here pulling for you April. Hang on! This will pass in time.

(((April))) My heart hurts for you as I know the pain of betrayal... Although my situation is different, I promise it will get better. I found out about my wife's affair from my sweet DD6... It was horrible. Time is the thing that hurts and seems insurmountable but it is also the thing that heals, trust us all on this.

He is not better off without you, but you and your child will indeed be better off without him. He is despicable. Your child will grow up with a strong mother and a peaceful home. You will have to deal with him that is true, but you can do this. Only concern yourself right now with you and your baby's immediate needs, and lean on those who love you. That's what they are there for. All of us too... Keep posting!

The shitty part is, he was never happy with me, I wasn’t meant to be his.

April: repeat this over and over. The flaw is not in me, it is in HIM.

The fact is, he is never going to be happy. They are never going to be happy. Right now, they are acting out their final scene of “happily ever after”. And then what? Their expectations are way too high and they are looking for happiness in the other person when happiness comes from within. They are two vacuous, utterly selfish and self absorbed people who have been playing a game and dragging others into their mess. You will see this at some point as you plod on, one foot in front of the other. They don’t matter. Truly, they don’t. If you want something “meant to be”, it is your son. Yes, 18yrs. But you know what? They are going to be the most satisfying 18yrs of your life – and more.

You are just fine as the person you are. You are not hopeless. Life is not hopeless. You are compassionate, understanding, vital, you give and receive love, you are loyal, faithful, honest and decent. You have values and boundaries. You think of others and you care about others. There is nothing wrong with you. And you will be happy again. All you need is time to heal. And to let people help you do that. And then you will look at you son and know that something good has come out of this.

From MassOCH:

just because someone did something incredibly shitty to you doesn't mean that *YOU* are unworthy or that *YOU* are the problem, even though I know you feel that way (I did, at first).

True. Very true.

Hi.

You've got me really concerned for you! Have you considered calling a suicide prevention hotline?

I know what's it like to be in so much pain you'd rather die. I've been there, and somehow I survived, and I'm glad I did.

I really don't know what to say. I know people that tried to kill themself. Someone close to me tried to jump out of the moving car I was driving, but luckily I stopped them. I don't know if me telling about it would have any effect on you...

But I want you to know we're listening and we're all hoping you make through this.

And please, when you get suicidal, start screaming, shouting, get angry at the sonofabeeetch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's the piece of scum who's balls should be deep-fried and fed to him! Get angry, get angry, get angry! Anger gives us strenght, and depression is suppresed anger, turned inwards. SO get angry, loudly, at him!

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 8:43 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Gosh April

I had such a harsh reaction to the "...he told her he would be with her if she would abort her baby..."

I dont know how I missed that little gem when I first read through all your posts. Ug First of all what kind of CREEP bribes a pregnant woman to end her pregnancy in order to KEEP HIM?!?!?!

And what kind of deranged, obsessed, insecure little twit continues to believe he is a fricking HERO!!!!!!!

I think this action belongs in the Wayward Creep's Hall of Shame!

A gag factor of 10!

[This message edited by angerisme at 8:51 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

hey April...

your road is your road and all i can offer is hugs and encouragement for what you already know

the view from the top of a hill is always better than down in a hole - so you're pacing yourself just fine for this marathon - hang in there

you have every right to demand psychological testing of your STBXH and if you need to claim you are worried he/the OW household abuses drugs, alcohol - whatever (what do you really know at this point?) - I wouldn't suggest being so noble about the whole blended family mess.

Honestly take very cautious steps and get legal advice.

You have every right to protect your child and yourself from harm = there is no connection between visitation and CS. I would frankly wager he's not going to be paying you CS and take that as a very good thing if he leaves you alone

it may feel like you lost, but all you lost was a loser sociopath who causes nothing but pain = I say that's a good thing to lose

You really do only want to be "alone" (as in not traumatized by tied to him and drama) to focus on being your best self and to be the best mom = honestly = I would suggest you be supremely careful about any long term involvement

I am now dealing with my WH's trauma bond mess that really factors in very heavily with our M's interaction with co-parenting with a very toxic ex.

I put my needs aside "for the sake of the kids" yadda yadda and just after we go NC and switch custody after 6 years of court crap and I think I am celebrating with our agreement to have a third child... he puts in a CL ad and now I have an OC mess that creates a half sib same age as my son

IF we survive, it will only be because we move the heck away and are completely NC. Don't care about being called selfish. The OW should be glad for being left alone with her fantasy about what a "wonderful" guy that never existed. He lied to her for 5 years about leaving his family for her... she's mega stupido in my book to hang like a vulture in the shadows. I absolutely do not want my children exposed to anything that toxic. When they are adults, we'll have had plenty of conversations... the future is the future and I am leaving that in the "godbox" as I call it.

But my children's safety is paramount. I am not going to sacrifice them on the alter of social mores wanting all of us sitting around a campfire singing "kumb-a-ya". These children are not "all equal". I have every right to raise my children to understand how truly wonderful and unique they are and they have every right to revel in that special-ness.

Anyhow, sure you will have plenty of IC to figure out the best course of action. Just really do not sugar-coat or put back on those rose-colored glasses that created 10 years spent with a liar

all the best

Well, today is a better day. I am angry today, like everyone has said, anger is my power! I need to remain in the anger. My mood is all over the place, and it’s just so hard to manage sometimes. I wish I could at least remain angry for a week so I can get things done, yesterday I just cried…walked and cried. No, he probably never will be happy, he sure as hell wasn’t happy with me, that’s for shit sure. I’ve focused all my anger on HIM, it’s all HIS fault. I know I really should be mad at the OW in the way she did this, but at the end of the day, I would have walked on in la-la land thinking everything was OK, when it wasn’t. She is a selfish c-word, but nobody else had the balls to tell me. I am excited that I have a son, and I am truly trying to bond with him as much as I can

Life seems so hopeless at times, and in my heart I know I was never the problem, it was always him, I fucking wish he would have had the balls to tell me, because I would have respected that much more than how this came about.

I won’t hurt myself, it would just be easier sometimes if I wasn’t alive, that’s how bad the pain hurts, but I need to be around for my child. Everytime I get suicidal I try my best to switch it to anger, and today it worked!! I hate him!

He is a sick human, he wanted me to abort mine because he didn’t want it either, but since I was his wife, he had no fucking choice! He is so fucking manipulative, and I am sure that that is where OW anger came from when she sent me the letter, she realized he was lying… but whatever, they both suck. The puking faces are awesome! I want to do that on him. Lol.

He passed all the tests in the PD, so they will say that he is sane (so my lawyers said), from what I know, she has a great job, and is pretty straight (well, as far as vices go). He will have to pay CS because of his profession, he will definitely not want that on his record as a police office, he is quite the noble cop…

I am so thankful this happened now, but it’s still so hurtful, and I wish I could turn off the love for him.

I have looked back at our years together, and all they are now is shit covered glasses 

sorry I hadn't clarified = in the court process for custody it's a psychological evaluation - ours was a very extensive psychological over several months and involved a series of tests and interviews etc. and we also had a guardian ad litem for the kids so our case was fairly complex, but I was glad that it got on record a NPD and borderline OCD or some such label so WH's ex was never getting sole legal or physical as a result.

You can request it and given the nature of the long term deception/ affair mess I highly recommend having someone who compartmentalizes that well tested = that's downright the same slope a serial killer is on.

sure a killer can stuff more crap in their box = but it's the same foul coping mechanism. While your WH may perform well at work, that's not what matters in how he interacts with a child = especially since he wanted them all aborted.

again, I totally get the roller coaster-y-ness of this mess and agree with just take it one day at a time, but really I hope to just encourage a sense of caution with piecing together this puzzle.

Glad to hear you're angry! Very proud of you! Momma is mad, watch out, world!

So glad to hear that!

How are you doing today?