SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm new. I don't know all the acronyms(I'm sorry) but I recently discovered my husband was having an affair with my (former)best friend.

He was taking Zoloft and his dosage was increased to 150, it was after this increase that he became indifferent and the affair began. It also affected him in other areas for example: he is HUGE on budgeting and keeping most of our money in savings, while on the medicine he spent nearly every dime we had, and it made NO SENSE!

Apparently there are sexual side effects for men taking Zoloft, and because of this he started to decrease his dose and wean himself down to a lower dose. Once he did this and after a while on a lower dose, it seems his conscious caught up to him? He realized what he was doing was wrong where as before he was seriously living a double life and I was so so stupid to not see it :(

I really never in a million years thought he would do something like this, it's completely out of character for him and I'm still trying to make sense of it. It was such a huge shock that even warning signs and red flags raised no suspicion because it was ridiculous to even think he'd EVER betray me. I had so much faith in our marriage(almost 8 years, so much confidence in our love and relationship that it really just left me in shock.

I suppose my question is are there others out there who have had a similar situation where their spouse was taking this particular medication and had this happen? I've tried to do my own little research I suppose into this to see if there is a connection....

I know after he started to wean himself down to a lower dose, he apparently became more aware of what was going on, things I'd noticed but didn't put very much thought in to...for example the way my best friend spoke to him and he to her and that it was inappropriate, but I'd never imagined they were doing "that". He has told me that she was trying to convince him to divorce me, and after some thought he realized that she'd been trying to drive a wedge between us, and when that didn't work she actually told him she wanted to make me hate him. See he's told me and I do believe him when he says that he never stopped loving me, and he didn't treat me any differently during the time when he was having the affair, it was something that he was doing outside of our marriage but I guess he never really thought of an end game? Where as she wanted to replace me and this is when things became bad, because that is not what he wanted. e cared for her, but did not love her, and told her he was going to tell me because he couldn't keep doing "this"

Well he never got the opportunity to tell me, he suffered a stroke, 2 actually, the day that she and him fought and while I was in the hospital with him praying to God he would recover she decided it would be the perfect time to call me and tell me everything. I was just completely shocked...at the time he wasn't himself, he was suffering from amnesia(he had this happen after a car accident years ago and lost nearly a decade of his life), he was having a hard time understanding where he was, who I was, was asking for his mother, didn't know why we lived in the state we lived in, or where he worked etc...I had the choice of clot buster and a possible brain fatal brain bleed, or more tests and hope that he doesn't have a clot it was a very very difficult decision...not the best time for my "bff" to call me up and tell me about their affair. After he recovered by the way he was so incredibly angry that she would choose that time to tell me, because according to him she did so only to further upset and hurt me.

By the way he is 35, so having 2 mini strokes was also not something I EVER thought we'd experience at our age and with our current health which is good. This was the second time in less than 2 weeks he has a neurological episode because a week prior he was having some issues that required hospitalization as well. Completely different symptoms but definitely neurological in nature. I attributed the first event to a possible recurrence of his seizures from the car accident he was in years ago since he was having some seizure like activity. It turns out that all of his neurological tests came back normal, and stress induced these "episodes" however they did not rule out the strokes because of his symptoms, the neurology team felt he indeed had 2 strokes, but he fully recovered thank god.

Throughout all of thi I've stuck by his side, the first neurological episode I took care of him for 3 days and he din't want to speak to or see anyone other than the children briefly and I think MAYBE this is what set of my "bff" because SHE wanted to take care of him, and I'm his WIFE so it's my job to care for my husband when he is ill.

Anyways I hope my long winded post makes sense, sometimes my brain doesn't make sense as I'm still doing my very best to cope and omg it's hard...so hard. I feel so alone in my head, an still protect him from my worries because I don't wan him under any stress.

My main question really after all that ranting(sorry) is have any of you had a similar experience with Zoloft and infidelity? It seemed that once he reduced the dose he wanted to stop this affair, and since the revelation he has been depressed and feels absolutely terrible for what he's done. He has definitely shown great remorse and regret, and says he hurt the love of his life and doesn't deserve me....but I love him, and I'm devoted, and we took vows that I still take seriously, even though he strayed---I stayed.

Thanks for anyone who read this, I hope there is someone who can relate. And also, the thought of leaving him never crossed my mind, however hurt or betrayed or foolish I feel, even stupid at times, I will stand by him until I'm no longer on this Earth. I truly feel his regret, and that's why I stay. I FEEL IT. It's not what he says, words are words, I FEEL IT.

Thank you again for reading, and please don't think I'm a fool for staying I truly love and adore my marriage. I want very much to repair us :'(

Not with Zoloft specifically, but my W's affairs were clearly part of a manic phase of her bi-polar illness initially. She still knew what she was doing - but the illness had a role. It isn't the medication that I would suspect, it is the underlying condition I would focus on.

IMO as someone who has been on Zoloft for quite sometime in varying doses, Zoloft may impair the sexual desire BUT it should NOT drive ANYONE to have an affair. Zoloft controls the sertaline in the brain making you happier and less on edge. If he is having an affair because of this, I am sorry to say that it is NOT the meds.

My WXH was on Effexor, as was his affair partner.

They were both acting very bi- polar during the first affair.

When he really fired things up again with her 2 years later, he wasn't on any anti depressants. He was just a selfish and entitle asshole.

I specifically asked his neurologist if the AD's could have contributed to it. She said no., but the underlying depression could be the culprit.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I was on Zoloft for a bit, somewhat depressed, it did not lead me to have an affair. IMO, that's not the reason. He had the affair because he wanted to, Zoloft does not impair his thinking, it will lift his spirits and in my own experience it helps the mind think more clearly because it lifts the depression.

You can check with your doctor, but IMO he is playing the same game we see time and time again with many waywards...blaming their behavior on something else or someone else....instead of owning up to their own selfish actions.

Words mean nothing, MoonWisp, it will be his actions that will give you a sense of where his head is at. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, he needs to be in this 200%...counseling, transparent, accountable for his time, cell phone records, everything that will help you feel a bit safer that he is doing the things he says he is doing.

My WW was on Zoloft too when she had her A. Zoloft actually kills a woman's libido. I blame her depression for her A and her poor boundaries as well as a few other things . I never thought she would be capable of doing something so awful either.

I, too , know that Zoloft did not cause my wife's affair, but there is the fact that she was on Zoloft when it started.

I guess I'm just a fool then. Too dumb to see what was right in front of me, played like an idiot and idk maybe it'll happen again.

If so then I suppose it's my fault for staying with him and giving him the impression that he can do what he wants.

I don't know what to say, there are no words just empty sadness

Moon Wisp-

Have faith - you are not alone here. So, so many of us have your same story.

The more likely scenario is that he was depressed and using the affair to lift his mood. It is very addictive and escapist. People in affairs do act reckless, so that part is 100% normal. If I could paint a picture of who my husband is compared to who he was in the affair, you'd be shocked - and we have been together over 20 years. So, you are not alone.

Keep reading, read Not Just Friends, and have him read it, too. I am sorry you are dealing with so much at once. Education is key here -- whether you decide to reconcile or not.

Putting good thoughts into the universe for you tonight.

I think this might be a chicken or egg issue. Is his depression what caused it or Zoloft? As someone that takes Zoloft, I'd have to lean towards him being a cheater and not related to the meds.

Sorry. I'm sorry you've been betrayed.

I'm sorry he's not well.

Ill keep you in my thoughts.

Well,,, when my MD was going to put me on antidepressants after the birth of my 2nd child, he told me that antidepressants were known to cause some people to make poor decisions and they couldn't "think"thru stuff. Once I got on the anti dep I also could not "focus" to pay our bills, read, keep track of anything, concentrate, etc.

You may be on to something, but plz go to counseling and insist your husband go to C also. It's the only way in my opinion to get to the "root" of why he cheated. I made it a requirement of Reconcilliation. XWH didn't go to counseling to save our family. I would not accept anything less.

You deserve to have a great marriage, not a fake one. I've heard from people on here that counselling can take your marriage to a whole new place....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:06 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]

I want add something to what I wrote. Zoloft and other anti-depressions are mood stabilizera. It is not uncommon for someone on a larger dose to seem very flat and unengaged.

Understand that anti-depression meds are given to combat an underlying condition. This condition - depression - ebbs and flows. If you husband is bi-polar he may cycle in and out of depression in the same day. What I am trying to say is you are trying to blame the medication, when in fact what you should be concerned about is the condition that caused zoloft to be prescribed.

Zoloft can cause confusion, agitation, seizures, neuroleptic malignant-like syndrome, serotonin syndrome, chest pain, palpitations, sweating, confusion, ataxia (diff. walking), hypertension with certain herbs (ephedra) and more.(Precautions for geriatrics, epileptics, persons who've had MI's).

.I am writing this from my nursing drug book reference (Mosby's)(am an RN).

Taking other meds., alcohol, herbs, supplements can increase (or decrease) the action of any med. one takes.

And weaning off antidepressants and antianxiety meds. has to be carefully slow. Side effects of withdrawal can be difficult and similar as the above listed.

So sorry you've been thru all this, Moonwisp.

You sound very strong.

Good luck as you go forward.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 10:40 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]

Man I thought posting here might make me feel somewhat better :(

I feel even more depressed now

It's too soon for me I guess it's been a month maybe since I found all this out and it's still a daily battle to even pretend to be normal.

He said the Zoloft must have negatively affected him because he lowered his dose on his own and very quickly, I knew he was lowering himself down without his doc knowing, but I never "blamed" the medicine, it was his "reasoning". He said his thoughts became more clear when the other woman was aggressively trying to "make me hate him" and those were her words, I saw them. He said he realized what she was doing, he didn't like it, and he had always told her that he'd never divorce me. I don't know what to think I just don't want to post anymore because this is all making me feel like a huge idiot

He was put on and off several different meds because he has a high stress job. His mother is bipolar and so are others in his family, he is to be seen next week by a psych doc to check for that disorder.

I don't know ugh I think I'll go to bed now

Moonwisp, you are absolutely not an idiot!

You have every reason to be extremely distressed and get to the bottom of this behavior of your ws's. Anyone would be shocked and upset. BS's almost always look for a "reason" our WS's do such a painful thing that stabs us in the back.

Hopefully his psych consult will help to start to figure things out.

Zoloft and similar drugs, SSRI's, made my wife have visual problems.

So she was put on bupropion, when her dose was advanced, she went out of control, hypo manic, she came out of her shell, her depression improved, and she started an affair with very little encouragement with a man she had just met, started drinking more as well, then 2-4 weeks later she stopped it as she came out of the vague fogginess in her thinking. She says she remembers sitting by herself and thinking "what am I doing, what have I done" and not knowing how to get out of it.

I work in the medical field, and we see these things happen when neurotransmitters are altered. Results are unpredictable. Affairs, murders, suicides, anger, sadness, fears, happiness, mania, hypo mania, and underlying problems can be unmasked or even amplified.

It can happen with any antidepressant, anxiolytics, alcohol, and many other drugs. Memories of the events are often compromised because long term memory integration is impaired, or even stopped in the worst cases. Impulse control can vanish, as can recognition do consequences.

It is no less painful for the loved ones affected, it is still very hard to understand.

Well MoonWisp, if they don't try to blame their affairs on medication or the state of the economy or Jupiter being in retrograde, they trot out that over-used excuse about being 'sex addicts.'

This is the first one that tried to skirt all accountability for his actions by blaming it on an anti-depressant.

But really, if someone is 'numb' or feeling indifferent from their meds, how does that equate to a sudden interest in someone ELSE? Either you're 'numb' to everyone or you're NOT numb to everyone. Doesn't make sense.

The main reason I mentioned the potential effects of zoloft was physical effects: the strokes and neurological and circulatory events your ws experienced :

Well he never got the opportunity to tell me, he suffered a stroke, 2 actually, the day that she and him fought and while I was in the hospital with him praying to God he would recover she decided it would be the perfect time to call me and tell me everything. I was just completely shocked...at the time he wasn't himself, he was suffering from amnesia(he had this happen after a car accident years ago and lost nearly a decade of his life), he was having a hard time understanding where he was, who I was, was asking for his mother, didn't know why we lived in the state we lived in, or where he worked etc...I had the choice of clot buster and a possible brain fatal brain bleed, or more tests and hope that he doesn't have a clot it was a very very difficult decision...not the best time for my "bff" to call me up and tell me about their affair. After he recovered by the way he was so incredibly angry that she would choose that time to tell me, because according to him she did so only to further upset and hurt me.

By the way he is 35, so having 2 mini strokes was also not something I EVER thought we'd experience at our age and with our current health which is good. This was the second time in less than 2 weeks he has a neurological episode because a week prior he was having some issues that required hospitalization as well. Completely different symptoms but definitely neurological in nature. I attributed the first event to a possible recurrence of his seizures from the car accident he was in years ago since he was having some seizure like activity. It turns out that all of his neurological tests came back normal, and stress induced these "episodes" however they did not rule out the strokes because of his symptoms, the neurology team felt he indeed had 2 strokes, but he fully recovered thank

Actively working in the hospital setting for years, I have spoken with so many patients who were admitted with probable medication side effects or interactions but are not recognized as such, and cost tons of fear, stress, tests, money, etc. Tests don't always find the symptoms to be caused by med. side effects or interactions.

We've all heard about the odd behaviors of some who have taken Ambien--sleep eating, walking, other and not remembering any of it. Now they have halved the recommended beginning dose of Lunesta.

The mental side effects of meds. is an additional potential for someone who has unusual behaviors while taking it or others.

Yup. I have almost seen it all. Especially these last few years. Could write a book about it. It would be the size of the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

This is the truth:

I work in the medical field, and we see these things happen when neurotransmitters are altered. Results are unpredictable. Affairs, murders, suicides, anger, sadness, fears, happiness, mania, hypo mania, and underlying problems can be unmasked or even amplified.

It can happen with any antidepressant, anxiolytics, alcohol, and many other drugs. Memories of the events are often compromised because long term memory integration is impaired, or even stopped in the worst cases. Impulse control can vanish, as can recognition do consequences.

It is no less painful for the loved ones affected, it is still very hard to understand.

Quote of standinghere's post.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:20 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

I don't know what kind of effect antidepressants have on someone's ability to make good choices but here is my experience.

My WH has struggled with depression most of his life and been on an antidepressant most of our marriage. When i first became aware that there was a major problem in our marriage (ILYBINILWY) i was able to look back and correlate his change with me to a change in his antidepressant 9months prior. I was still months away from the first DDay. I even asked him to talk to his doctor about it bit he refused saying "he felt fine".

He finally did talk to his MD after DDay #3 (same OW) and was told that sometimes the antidepressant just quits working. They added Abilify and about 6 weeks later he finally ended the A. The change in his engagement in our M and our family is very obvious even though it's only been 4 months.

I am in no way saying that the meds, or lack of proper meds, was the reason he had an A. The reason is in him. I am saying that for us, i do believe that he would have continued to make the wrong choices if his meds hadn't been regulated properly.

We still struggle with trying to R because he has years of selfish thinking to overcome. Because there is so much pain and betrayal to get through. But for the first time i do see hope. Is his thinking clearer? Seems to be. Is that because of the meds or because the A is over? Probably both.

Didn't mean for this to be so long, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is the meds may have had an effect but i don't think yhey can ever be the only reason.

Also want to say that there is no one on this site that will ever judge you for your decision to D or R. It is a personal decision for each person and there is no "right" answer. Hugs to you!