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My BS and I watched a lightning storm last night, and it was amazing to be able to spend that time with her. It was really restful.

Today the event came up and it felt like DDay all over again. I feel a thrill of panic every time it comes up, and I am not sure how to deal with that. Lately, it has been really good, but every time it comes up I feel that anxiety coming back- I feel that fear again. I hate that.

I just want so much for things to return to normal, but I realize that this is all on me. It is really hard reconciling my current frame of mind with my past actions. I just want to fix it, but I realize that the only thing that can fix it is time and rebuilding trust.

I just hate feeling that panic and not knowing how to deal with it.

That anxiety is rough... "waiting for the other shoe to drop", so to speak.

Time and rebuilding trust is important, and so is communication. Perhaps letting her know how much you enjoyed watching that lightning storm with her, how much you appreciated it, and realizing how much you could have lost and could possibly still lose?

Keep forging ahead and working on yourself. Things might not ever be "normal" like they were before, but there is hope that things can be really good. The key is to keep moving forward, and living authentically, whatever the outcome might be.

Best of luck. Keep at it.

I just want so much for things to return to normal,

Nah. You just think you do. But think about it. "Normal" is what got you into this mess. So "normal" isn't working out so hot for ya. You want comfortable. It's familiar. Like your broken in pair of house shoes.

Don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. Never know. May find something you need. Something you want. Change that will turn your life around. For the better.

How to work around the panic? Work thru it. One tiny baby step at a time. You can do it.