SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A very close, married friend of mine calls me yesterday. He tells me that he has been coaching two boys and just got a text message from their (married) mother. An “I think you’re very sexy…. maybe we could start something up”-type of note.

He calls me panicking…. “What should I do???”

I asked, what do you WANT to do? And he replies, “Well, I think I’m going to just send her a note back that says I’m flattered but I’m married…. yada, yada, yada.”

Obviously, I’m pretty sensitive to this type of stuff. “I’m flattered but….” Really? That’s the response you’re going to give? – and if you think about it – that’s probably the response 99% of the world would give. A pat on the head and a “Thanks for the compliment” kinda thing.

So I asked him, “What if your phone had been lying on your kitchen counter and your wife saw the text message?” “What if your daughter had walked by and seen that text come through?” Would you have been so non-chalant then? Would it be a “Well, I’m flattered but….” situation THEN??

People need to learn that their actions have consequences. This woman has two sons who, if my friend decided to tell her husband, could potentially be the product of divorce as a result. This woman could have created completely unsolicited and unnecessary chaos in my friend’s marriage.

I told my friend that the woman needs to be told no – not with an “I’m flattered but…” – but rather with a very sharp, very clear message that what she is doing is inappropriate. That “reaching out” to a married man poses a danger not only to her own marriage but to HIS – and who is she to invite that into someone else’s life?? Of course, that probably won’t stop her from doing it again… but, in my opinion, she should hear it - loud and clear.

Of course, like most people in today’s society, I think my friend still responded with an “I’m flattered but…”

Sad.

The response I have used when that has happened and the response he should have used is this, "I'm insulted that you seem to think I have no morals. I am a married man/woman committed to my husband/wife and family, and I suggest you develop some values before you destroy your family. Don't ever contact me again".

I have actually had men at my church of all places come on to me.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:30 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]

I agree with PPGA. My response would be, "I would never betray my W or family with a floozy like you and I am highly offended that you even thought I might. Learn to close your legs and do not ever speak to me or contact me again."

While PPGA's response is better, don't beat up your friend over this. He clearly has never been hit by an affair and I hope he never does.

If that text was sent to me today, I would probably say what your friend is going to say and rationalize it by saying that I didn't want to make this woman my enemy. We are imperfect creatures.

Oh God.

I dont think the "I'm flattered but I'm married" is the best response but it isn't the worst either.

I agree with Cantrusther's response. Rememer he is coaching this women's two boys. Given this women's poor boundaries, my guess she may not set good boundaries for her kids as well. A kid's coach can be a very influential person to help set good boundaries and values in a kids life. Making this woman an enemy so she gets her kids coaching from some other man with poor boundaries that will give her what she wants may not be the best either.

As much as we would like to rid the world of infidelity and make it a better place, we have to live with the reality of the world we live in. A better text won't suddenly change this woman's poor boundaries and make this world a better place. Setting good boundaries for impressionable young kids will though.

As long as his "I'm happily married" message is STRONG enough, I don't think the "I'm flattered but" part is too much of a problem. It gets the word across without devastating her ego. Mind you, most people here will probably say her ego needs devastating and that may be so. Yes, of course, a "you should know better; you're a married woman" response would be ideal, but he still has to exist in her coaching world. He can get the message across without being rude.

When I was single, I invited a man to go with me to a symphony program. He didn't wear a wedding ring and I didn't know he was married. His response? "Thank you very much, but you probably don't know I'm married." That was all that was necessary. I was single; this woman is married. But I'm not sure it makes a difference as long as he sticks to his boundaries.

I don't jump on the moral bandwagon when dirt bag married men hit on me. I simply tell them that if given the choice of wasting my time with a married man or having my gums set on fire, I'd be very hard pressed to make a decision.

This lady is

I would not suggest the "I am flattered" language as it might only encourage the ding dong.

Does he know her husband? If so, I suggest he tell him about receiving and inappropriate text from his wife.

"I'm insulted that you seem to think I have no morals. I am a married man/woman committed to my husband/wife and family, and I suggest you develop some values before you destroy your family. Don't ever contact me again".

LOVE - LOVE - LOVE this....

You are all correct, of course.

I guess that my "issue" is with the sense of casualness so many people place on these advances.

I imagine it as a little pat on the top of the head. "It's okay, honey. I'm married but your attempt to fuck over your husband is just so SWEET!"

I don't know - maybe I'm looking into it too much.

"I'm flattered but..." is NOT the right response. A simple, "I am married and my wife is the love of my life. Not interested in anyone other than her" should do the trick. What a freakin' loser!! The woman, not your friend. He doesn't need to be polite to her just because he's coaching her two kids. But....I would be VERY careful if I were him because the next thing you know she'll be accusing him of abusing her kids because she's pissed he didn't take her up on her offer. He should NEVER be alone with them!!!

I hate that I even think things like that but this is what I've been reduced to.

If he forwarded her crap text to her husband, perhaps she wouldn't take is so casually either..... Does he have any intention of telling the poor guy that his wife is on the prowl?

I second JustWow.

If he replies with the "I'm flattered" response, there's a good chance she'll keep coming on to him. If he doesn't want to call her names or insult her, at least this part should be taken out. Just say he's happily married and won't do anything to hurt the woman he loves.

The older I get the more I feel that the appropriate response to awkward situations is to be direct and stick to the facts.

"I am married. Your message was inappropriate."

That's all that needs to be said. Heck, I think "Your message was inappropriate" is sufficient as a response.

Cut and dry and to the point.

LifeisCrazy, nice post, thanx

You make a good point - I could easily have made the mistake your friend was making - I probably have.

There is always room to learn . . .

I told my friend that the woman needs to be told no – not with an “I’m flattered but…” – but rather with a very sharp, very clear message that what she is doing is inappropriate. That “reaching out” to a married man poses a danger not only to her own marriage but to HIS – and who is she to invite that into someone else’s life?? Of course, that probably won’t stop her from doing it again… but, in my opinion, she should hear it - loud and clear.

Of course, like most people in today’s society, I think my friend still responded with an “I’m flattered but…”

As a betrayed spouse, I totally agree with your post.

The OW with my husband's affair, admittedly also made the first move.

I also found a text in which she was complaining about my husband's reluctance to have the affair. In it she told my husband that he was a fuddy duddy to hesitate about an affair and that people who had affairs were trendy and cool.

So, I do agree that this man, should let this women know that.....NO, he is not interested and he thinks her request was slutty and intrusive.

The sad thing is that perhaps that's not the way he feels.

Perhaps he, like my wayward husband, was flattered and considering to fall into the temptation of an affair because otherwise, why did he need to ask someone else for advise.

Perhaps you can point that out to him, in a kind and gentle way.

Affairs ruin marriages, and so many lives besides the married people.

When men have approach me suggesting an affair, I always frowned, Showed my wedding ring and said firmly... I AM MARRIED! Then, I moved away from conversation with them.

In the middle of attempting to reconcile I got a very odd text message, a stranger got a wrong number and quickly progressed to offering to send pictures for whatever reason. I shared the exchange with my wife and various friends immediately.

Had it been somebody I knew and would have to see would I have done the same thing? I think most people probably prefer to avoid being involved in increasing drama, but the choice to avoid has consequences as well that we perhaps often overlook.

I think most people probably prefer to avoid being involved in increasing drama, but the choice to avoid has consequences as well that we perhaps often overlook.

And this really hits the nail on the head for me.

Like one poster said, I also let my friend know that he really should tell the woman's husband. He looked at me like I had 3 heads.

He was like, "Dude, I really don't need to get involved in that kind of drama."

I get his reluctance. I really do. My own brothers, reluctant to "get involved in the drama," failed to tell me about my wife's affair in a timely manner. How many people out there would rather just stay "uninvolved?"

I'd do the same thing, probably with the same wording. My loyalty begins with my wife - that's really all that matters. And a simple "I'm flattered, but I'm married and have no interest" along with ensuring that I'm not alone with this person again is what honors my commitment to my wife.

Lecturing her only invites further exchanges as this woman would feel humiliated, and perhaps determined to strike back.

Telling her husband? That involves him in their marriage - a place he doesn't belong. Unless the husband's a friend of his, he puts the husband in a situation where it's his wife's word against an outsider's. That's a lot of drama. And it will probably mean their kids won't get to play that sport any more.

If this woman is even remotely sentient, she will understand that the "I'm flattered" part of this message is only politeness. If she is challenged, and thinks of this as some sort of encouragement, then a stronger, shorter rejection "no thanks" is warranted.

He's not saving a marriage by getting involved. He's adding complication to an already bad situation. That may help, that may also make it worse. But it certainly will make his life more difficult. And, ultimately, since his loyalty is to his wife and no one else, that's a bad result.

Not sad at all. He's doing the right thing.

I get his reluctance. I really do. My own brothers, reluctant to "get involved in the drama," failed to tell me about my wife's affair in a timely manner. How many people out there would rather just stay "uninvolved?"

Apples and oranges. These are your brothers. They should have gotten involved.

[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 4:35 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]