SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think it's one thing to try and cope and sometimes fail. It's another to declare a year long break.

I hope my posts haven't come off as insensitive... I'm a BS who KNOWS that my DD4 sensed my dysfunction and I'm constantly worried about how much my detachment affected her. There's a difference between making the WS the sole caregiver, and paring back because it's hard to breathe and think sometimes.

Did I feel like the affair took away my identity as wife? Absolutely. Mother? Hell no.

I don't feel that my identity as either a wife or mother has been affected, but that my functioning in both those roles has been affected.

Actually, I think his A more took away my perception of his identity as a husband.

Anyway, this opens up for me the issue of 'what am I doing for my own healing?'. Perhaps only the passage of time can really bring improvement, but maybe there are things I could be doing differently.

If I didn't have kids then it wouldn't matter so much if I got bogged down in depression for a bit. But it rankles so much that this shit is affecting my kids' growing up experience. Their experience of their mother and their home.

How much of this is within my control? How much can I just choose to snap out of it? Yes, I am going through the motions as much as I can, but my personality tends to expect a lot of myself, and this just isn't good enough. It's not an acceptable long-term solution, and yet, here I am, months in, still doing it. I've given myself a lot of slack... how much more slack can I give/take?

I realise this probably isn't the place for a BS to navel gaze, so I'll stop here... but maybe it's interesting for some WS to see why a BS might feel like taking a week, month or year off, or simply be unable to function for a time. My WH, for example, has been totally surprised at how much his 'only flirting' has affected me, and consequently, our lives.

I'm A BS two years from DDAy. My WH had "checked out" years ago. During his 2 yr A he NEVER saw the kids, left for work early and got home before they went to bed. He "worked" on the week-ends and missed our family vacations, the kids' concerts, sports events, etc. etc. I started hanging around with my friend and her family. People joked that we made her husband look like he had a polygamous relationship. I think you see the picture.

After DDAy I had a period of time (months) where I just couldn't do it all anymore. I was working fulltime at a demanding job, juggling kids and dogs and dealing with my DD's illness and my own cancer diagnosis.

I pulled back on things, dropped being Girl Scout leader, took the kids out of AYSO, and demanded that WH take over some of the home responsibilities.

The result? Two years later we share/take turns with all of the chores. I have the piece of mind of knowing that if I died tomorrow the kids would be OK, something I didn't feel three years ago.

I hope it works out for you and this is only temporary.

Lately I have noticed my mind appears to be struggling. My memory has become atrocious - I have forgotten appointments and other things that normally I would write in my diary or follow through on as I am/was normally a very reliable person.

Ditto here, Branca. I have flat-out forgotten things that I would have never forgotten before. It is embarrassing!

You sound like you have so much on your plate. I think your case is different that the one the original poster was posting about. All BSes struggle to be as normal as possible. Where I feel I was an 8 or a 9 as a parent before on a scale from 1-10, I am a 5-6. . .and that is averaging.

But, I have not chosen to disconnect, and it sounds like you haven't either. We are all just getting by.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:57 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]

I pulled back on things, dropped being Girl Scout leader, took the kids out of AYSO, and demanded that WH take over some of the home responsibilities.

Where I feel I was an 8 or a 9 as a parent before on a scale from 1-10, I am a 5-6. . .and that is averaging.

But, I have not chosen to disconnect, and it sounds like you haven't either. We are all just getting by.

I have cut down on my community commitments too (as well as family commitments and housework responsibilities). I guess it is normal then, for BS to have to pull back to some degree in order to cope with the crisis and the aftermath. To my WS it might appear as if I'm taking a holiday, but the truth is I am working very hard just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope we can move through this into a better place soon.