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So sorry nutmegkitty that sucks xx

mixedemotions

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Member # 35810

Default Posted: 5:54 PM, May 25th (Sunday) View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate Message

Oh no Nutmeg! I'm so with you in spirit because something semi-similar happened to me lately in that it was about the same length relationship and was also out of nowhere. One day I was getting kisses and sweet conversations, then all of a sudden I got broken up with. Bam! In a different relationship we were on the phone making plans for the week and for a trip later on, he said he needed to call me back, then later that night broke up with me. Bam again! It really, really hurt and in trying to get though the pain these are the things I either learned or realized:

1. While my feelings for him were legitimate and he had some good traits, this new trait he showed of being flaky, cold, etc. is not one that screams "long term happy, healthy relationship" and I deserve better. I think I learned this on SI, that people don't act out of character, they just sometimes act differently than our expectations of them. I was stuck on how this "wasn't like him" and was still idealizing how he was. Recognizing that this side was part of who is is really helped me let go because I don't want or deserve someone who is like that.

2. The pain is a lot more about having to be single again and having my ego bruised than about losing him (this one might be different for you - but it helped for me because I realized I would find what I was looking for and he is not it). That does suck. A lot. But it got better and is still getting better. I still hate being single and I still feel rejected, but once I was ready, I started dating again and I'm having fun. We got through divorces and were able to love again. We can get through break ups too.

3. Because I feel better when I can intellectualize/understand things, I did some research about heartache. I learned that heartache is a combo of stress hormones surging through your heart, similar to a low level heart attack, and your brain going through withdrawal from the pleasure you experienced while dating. Your brain thinks that was a source of pleasure and is stressing out because it wants more and thinks it won't have it again. So it's basically like you're having a very tiny heart attack plus withdrawing from the love drug. No wonder it hurts! Once I understood that, the pain didn't go away but I felt like I had better control over it, like I was more powerful than it and I felt better knowing that it was temporary since eventually the withdrawal would stop and the hormones would chill out.

Dating him felt good. Dating the right person will feel even better and won't end up in heartache. You deserve the right person and unfortunately this man isn't the one. I know you feel anything but lucky right now, but thank goodness he showed you this side before you were even more involved. Can you imagine the same situation after 6 months? Ouuuuuuch. For now, nurse yourself back to joy and know that it will absolutely get better. One day this will be a faint memory, and that day could likely be soon! Big hugs, I'm so sorry he sucks!

awesome attitude and post mixedemotions think I'll print it off and keep somewhere in case I need it

Ugh just ugh.

He had EOW free to meet someone new so it did work. I'm not loving this OLD thing.

Brush that dirt off your shoulder.

Mixedemotions. Thank you. Yes, its sad when we see a side of someone that was always there, but had yet to be revealed to us. Never fits our expectations of them. Time helps the heart to catch up to what the brain has begun to figure out.

(((nmk))))

Looking back, did you see ANY clues that this wasn't working for him?

I can generally look back and remember an "off" conversation or something that, at the time, made me go "hmmmm."

Regardless, it sucks.

Nope, NONE. I have spent the last two days going over everything and I can't recall anything! Like I said, we talked several times this week and everything seemed copacetic .

In any case, I will be ok. I am sad and disappointed and feel like I had the wool pulled over my eyes, which is a really shitty feeling. I trusted, I let my heart feel, and I got cut off at the knees....

Mixed Emotions, thank you for that explanation of heartache. I am a scientific person and having a concrete explanation for my feelings helps.

I am sorry you are dealing with this nmk. Computer crashed or I would have responded earlier.

This is not about you. You are a beautiful person. I know, I have met you.

Wow! What a complete ass! Who does that?

You *are* that special. He sounds like he is too stupid/selfish to notice.

I know nutmeg is hurting but I fail to see where this guy acted like a jerk, ass or any of the other names that he is being called.

Didn't he do exactly what he should, and that is if he wants to date someone else end this relationship first? Maybe he met someone last night and wanted to get to know them better and instead of being a jerk or an ass and doing it behind her back, he broke up with her like he should.

I don't understand why nutmeg can't be supported without running the guy in the ground.

I am sorry you're hurting and wish lots of healing for you.

total douche!

trust me it wasn't because someone more interesting came along. more likely someone more dysfunctional/equally as messed up as him came along.

this is definitely a case of its not you its him. you probably would've ended up having ot dump him eventually because this side of him would have come out in other ways.

hummingbird, after three or four months in, I think perhaps a face-to-face conversation would have been more appropriate, not a quick call after implying plans were in place for a holiday weekend.

To do it that way without warning was kind of cowardly IMO.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:26 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

Face to face maybe more kind, however since it was only EOW I would be curious to know how many dates they actually went on. It doesn't lesson nutmegs hurt, but it may help explain why he wasn't as invested.

I think face to face would have been better.

The phone call was so abrupt, so out of character (from the character I had up until that point seen, perhaps it was there all the time adn I just had not seen it yet, I don't know), so strange.

We saw each other every other weekend since February. So 9 or so times. Many, many, many phone calls. Lots of texts.

In any case, I can't change it. I accept it. I have to move on. I sulked most of the weekend and now I am picking my chin up and looking forward. Well, mostly. It still stings.

Thanks again for your support and insight. It's invaluable.

First, let me say nutmegkitty, I’m so sorry you are hurting… (((nutmegkitty)))

Now, I feel like I’m going to get torn apart posting this here, but I feel like it is very relevant...

Face to face maybe more kind, however since it was only EOW I would be curious to know how many dates they actually went on. It doesn't lesson nutmegs hurt, but it may help explain why he wasn't as invested.

Ok, I’m glad someone else said it because I’m reading through this thread with everyone tearing this guy apart thinking I could be this guy.

I didn’t see anywhere that said they were exclusive, so if they were then this doesn’t apply… But, especially with OLD, I’m operating under the assumption that until we have ‘the conversation’ we are seeing other people. I’ve been on the EOW schedule with a single mother for a couple of months, and she is great but I have not committed anything to her. And at this point, if she asked for it, I still don’t know if I would commit. At EOW, it takes a long time to get to know someone and at this point the time restriction is a big deal to me (and yes, I’m very busy outside of dating as well). It doesn’t mean this woman is any less special, just that the situation is non-ideal for me, and if I met someone in a better situation for me, I would be much more likely to commit.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 9:41 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

(((NMK)))

$10 says that he'll be back in less than a month.

Sorry you are hurting (((NMK))).

Being alone is preferable to being with someone constantly searching for the next best thing.

(((Nutmegkitty)) FTG!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little $0.02, just for what it might be worth.

this EOW just isn't working for me!

He is using the arrangement you had as an excuse for his poor behavior. If he can saddle the responsibility for his choices and treatment of you, onto an outside circumstance, then ... he can avoid taking responsibility for what he did. And what he did was, keep his options open for meeting someone else without being clear with you that this was a possibility still on the table.

By blaming it on this "EOW" circumstance, he avoids having to feel like the bad guy.

All other elements of your relationship aside ... you do not want to end up with someone who behaves this way. Who avoids responsibility by assigning it elsewhere.

You did dodge a bullet, but ... it is human nature to feel the sting of how that bullet grazed your heart.

Hugs ...

It doesn’t mean this woman is any less special, just that the situation is non-ideal for me, and if I met someone in a better situation for me, I would be much more likely to commit.

But would you dump single mum over the phone after implying you guys were going to have plans for a holiday weekend?

That's the question.

But would you dump single mum over the phone after implying you guys were going to have plans for a holiday weekend?

Depending on the circumstances, possibly. It is entirely possible that he setup the plans with the full intention of keeping them, and then another woman he was dating had the exclusive talk with him. While I agree it's not ideal, if he had already made the decision to break up with her, would you rather him keep the weekend plans just to break up with her? With the EOW situation you don't have the option to get together quick for coffee or something to do it, so it is either wait for the big weekend plans or over the phone (which IMO neither are ideal).

But besides that fact, I'm not reading most of these comments as being pissed that he broke up over the phone. The way I'm reading it is everyone is pissed that he met someone else, when as I said earlier I didn't see anything that indicated he had committed to not look for others.

He is using the arrangement you had as an excuse for his poor behavior.

Um, what poor behavior?

And what he did was, keep his options open for meeting someone else without being clear with you that this was a possibility still on the table.

Um again, unless he had committed to not doing this, I don't think he did anything wrong. I've seen it stated on this forum multiple times that (at least with OLD, and I would assuming IRL dating as well) until you have the exclusive talk it is best to assume they are seeing other people.

Again, I could very easily be this guy so if I'm completely missing something horrible this guy did please tell me.

We talked LAST NIGHT and were on for tonight.

I think under these circumstances the classy thing to do would be to meet her as arranged (after a phone message saying "I need to talk to you) and have a face-to-face. A bare minimum of consideration.

It's the abruptness of it that gives me douchebumps...

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:30 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]