SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But I wanted to be free too.

Perhaps out of ignorance (not knowing what to do differently) we choose different but equally destructive choices in a futile attempt to "try something new".

Only we don't have any real idea. So when we go back into ourselves we find another "shiny bead" but from the same bucket. Porn was a regular vice for me. Wife used it occasionally.

To check the health of our choices we looked around. We seemed better than most....so we are ok.

Both are dysfunctional and dishonest.

Aaahh......this is the truth. One is no better, no more healthy than the other. Labels be damned.....if you are either codependent or counter dependent....you are most likely married to the other.

Radical honesty and a commitment to change (be uncomfortable) is the ultimate key to healthy relationships.

As a reminder.....my choices in this vein were hardly limited to my spouse. I see very clearly how my work relationships were influenced by them as well as how I was choosing to parent.

The walls my brother has erected to protect him from the pain he is in? They keep me out too. That's how walks work.

Refreshing....but a bit overwhelming, this post is.

Had to go for a walk and digest.....

Peace

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:06 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the post DixieD. I'm just beginning to explore my FOO issues with IC and self-help books. This is good grist for the mill.

I believe i'm counterdependent. I never even knew it was a thing.

Off to do research...

Another eye opener thread

OH MY GOD, you guys. I'm reading Codependent No More. Devouring it, more accurately. It is like the missing piece is finally fitting in to place for me. I actually started to have a total codep meltdown while I was reading the book. WH had to go out of state suddenly because his father was hospitalized. It was last minute and he took our one car with all of the carseats, but was supposed to be back by the time we had to pick our daughter up at school. The time came where he would have to leave in order to get back, so I called. He said he might stay longer, and I said of course. In reality, it was going to cause a huge problem for him to stay. It was pouring rain and I would have had to walk or try to take my baby and 6 year old on a bus to pick up our 3.5 year old AND it was pouring rain, cold and blowing wind. I couldn't rent a car because I had no car seats. Anyway, instead of saying "this is a problem, just return the car and go back if you need, etc." I say nothing, but start silently seething about his dysfunctional family (he felt the need to stay longer because his mother couldn't be bothered to even show up at the hospital). Luckily, I got to the section of disengaging, and imagining putting the problem in God's hands. I closed my eyes and let go, and the phone rings. It is WH saying he is on his way home. Needless to say, I can strongly relate to the book, and have some work to do!

Althea, I'm glad the book is helping you. I know it's scary and it's crappy and it brings up all these unwanted feelings but it also brings awareness, and once things have been 'seen' they can't be 'unseen'. I'm reading a book about narcissism right now and it's the same thing. I see this person and that person in it's pages and of course I also say myself…..ah crap.

Like the Maya Angelou quote that was floating around here yesterday:

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou.

I remember when the CoD stuff was at it's worst for me during an event (unrelated to my husband's affair) that happened after I'd read Codependent No More and I was aware of it at that point, but my CoD behavior still ramped up (and it does from time to time), and I hit a wall metaphorically speaking. I went to my first CoD meeting and heard Step 1.

-- We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable. --

I couldn't deny it anymore. My life had become completely unmanageable because I was trying to have power over others actions/decisions and not looking closely enough at my own. When that knowledge hit, it hit hard. It was scary but in a good way. Like a weight being lifted off.

Good luck with everything. You aren't alone. Hope today is a sunny day for you.

Thanks Dixie! It was a sunny day, and I feel the same - like a weight has been lifted. The good news is that I have been on the slow course to ridding myself of the co-d behavior in the day to day for years; but had no real understanding of the why behind the behavior. I just new it didn't feel good and others didn't react well. The co-d behavior was really sticking around with regard to WH and his FOO, who are highly dysfunctional. I think just having a mantra like "you're being reactionary. Unless there is some action you can take in this moment, you need to detach..." will help. We'll see...