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My WH said that one of the attractions was he could talk to AP about things like hating his job and she was just supportive. It didn't affect her or her life if he quit his job or spent money on something frivolous. She could say "of course you should buy that, you deserve it" because it didnt affect her if bills weren't paid. He didn't have to have a long discussion about whether or not we could afford it. He also had demonized me and our M as everything that was wrong in his life. It was only when she threw up the first touch of reality when he left (within hours) that it hit him that the real relationship he wanted was his M.

That was the fantasy part. The removal from real life. The bubble burst when she was going to become" real life". It wasn't that he made her into something she wasn't. Though it kills me to say it, she is attractive and they had similar interests. She was just a way to avoid the things he didn't like about his life. What he forgot for a while was "wherever you go, there you are". Now he is working on himself and our M.

Thank you, WalkinOnEggshelz. That's what I was having trouble with. I have happy associations with unicorns & rainbows, so the words weren't making sense in this context because I don't have those same associations with AP. Thinking of it as shorthand to generally describe "fantasy" behavior makes sense to me, with fantasy meaning "escape from reality," & not necessarily "fun."

And badchoice, I love this. It's an excellent analogy:

At one point I equated it to the scene in Fight Club, where the Edward Norton character realizes he is Tyler Durden, and he starts to see that it was him all along. Re-living parts of his life from that persecptive. I had so bought into my fantasy, that I effectively split myself in two (and 3 at times) in order to survive it.

ITA with "unicorns & rainbows" as shorthand for escapism. Just as "the fog" is shorthand for delusional/blame-shifty/messed-up thinking . To answer OP's question, I'd say "rule," because is there ever an A not rooted in escapism? Sure, they're not all the "unicorns & rainbows" false-euphoria type, some are about punishing/hating oneself, reenacting abuse, etc. Still escapism, so perhaps "unicorns, rainbows & hobgoblins" would cover it more comprehensively.

t/j

WOES, good list! Lately I've been noticing how often SI maxims pop up, including:

You can't "nice" him/her back.

NC equals no new hurts. (ETA apparently I can't use an equals sign?)

Don't issue an ultimatum unless you're prepared to follow through with consequences.

Must be dozens of them. Has anyone ever compiled a list?

end t/j

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:53 PM, May 31st, 2014 (Saturday)]

"Unicorns & rainbows" is an apt description of how MM viewed (and, well, continues to view) me. Even before the start of the A, when we were just normal coworkers, he was strangely overly-complimentary of me - the first time he met my dad he embarrassed me by repeatedly describing me a "genius". It is an ongoing struggle for me to figure out how to get off his pedestal while still doing my best at my job and staying cordial with everyone in the office.

The strangest part is how he reinterprets reality to make me out to be perfect. I outed the A to his BW in order to end it once and for all, for everyone's sake but most of all my own. It was a HUGE betrayal of his trust, as I'd fully intended - after repeatedly trying and failing to end it on my own, I figured the only way was to anger him enough so he wouldn't want me anymore.

Well, his silent anger lasted maybe a week. Then he forgave me and, with tears in his eyes, told me he felt terribly guilty for how he'd treated me, for hurting me so much that I'd betray him as I did, and he felt it was all his fault. Some time passed and he told me that he respects my desire for honesty and that maybe in the end it was for the best, because he found out some truths about his marriage that he wished he'd known all along (i.e. his ridiculously hot foreign wife married him for a visa not out of love... well duh, dumbass). Some more time passes, we are friendly again, he tags along to my running group, has some drinks, and tells me he thinks my disclosure saved our "relationship", as otherwise I likely would've reached the end of my patience and begun to hate him. So he's happy I did what I did because it was somehow for the sake of our continued friendship. Amazing fantastical reinterpretation right?