SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with SisterMilkshake. I don't feel you sacrificed your values. You tried something new. It didn't work. End of story.

Sacrificing your values, IMHO, would've been agreeing to a subsequent date after this one was a flop just because dude has money.

Further, I think it's a sign of growth when we can lay aside preconceived notions and give a person to whom we normally wouldn't be attracted a chance. Kinda the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" thing?

I believe that your IC is right. And some comments on this thread are unnecessarily provocative and maybe even a little rude.

I don't know. I've read through this and to me it seems pretty clear. This wasn't a date. This wasn't even you "trying something out of your comfort zone".

You used him. You knew he was attracted to you and you weren't attracted to him or interested in him and only went out with him for the fancy car, the fancy dinner and the fancy treatment. And before anyone gets upset about the characterization, answer this: If the original invitation had been to go to IHOP in his 2005 Honda Civic, would Shelly have gone?

But, he also used you. He needed a last minute date and he wanted someone he considered to be arm candy. If you were still 240 lbs or closer to his age, he wouldn't have been interested.

You were unlucky in that he turned out to be a total douche so the only things you got was a ride in the fancy car and a funny story.

He got to show up with his arm candy and a story about how he banged the hot young thing he had with him that night. You know you didn't sleep with him and we know you didn't sleep with him but (based on how he sounds like a complete douche) I'm sure his friends are going to hear about how good he gave it to you.

You used him and he used you. I don't have a problem with that if both people know the score going in, but people trying to dress it up like it was a noble attempt to give a chance to someone outside your norm and somehow not based on materialism (for you) or appearances (for him) just seems silly.

This wasn't a date. This wasn't even you "trying something out of your comfort zone".

Basically, you are calling She11y a liar. I think she has made it clear what she thought it was. It really doesn't matter what kind of date she wouldn't go on. I imagine there are many kind of dates you wouldn't go on and some that you would very much enjoy or like to go on. Wtf is wrong with that?

Or, maybe you are omnipotent? Because you sure seem to "know" things that no mere mortal could know.

I don't think you did anything wrong, Shelly.

Lesson learned.

I've been on my share of stinker dates, too and the one good thing about that is you get one or two more items to put on your "I will not put up with _____" list.

Shake it off, and just enjoy life.

Not sure why you're getting so upset SMS.

My observations are based solely on Shelly's comments. i.e. She's not attracted to him at all, he's so much older or hasn't weathered well, the thought of him trying to kiss her makes her say "ick", she just wanted a night out, etc.

I'm not saying she's a bad person or that she needs to be flogged for it. I don't have a dog in this fight and personally couldn't care less if she went out with him or not.

Further, I think it's a sign of growth when we can lay aside preconceived notions and give a person to whom we normally wouldn't be attracted a chance. Kinda the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" thing?

I actually considered the fact that I was not physically attracted to him and actually THOUGHT about how looks should not be so important in determining whether someone should get a date or not and how did I like it when I was 240 pounds and dateless because no one gave me a chance with dating until I had lost 50 of those pounds. I actually THOUGHT about the fact that my friends said he was a "nice" guy and I should give him a chance and see what happens. The car, the dinner, and fancy treatment were a bonus.

You used him. You knew he was attracted to you and you weren't attracted to him or interested in him and only went out with him for the fancy car, the fancy dinner and the fancy treatment. And before anyone gets upset about the characterization, answer this: If the original invitation had been to go to IHOP in his 2005 Honda Civic, would Shelly have gone?

Just getting out of the house was exciting to me because I never do. So, yeah, IHOP might have happened if I had a sitter for the night and nothing better to do! Believe it or not! I eat out maybe once a month if that due to my financial situation so anywhere is a treat for me! He offered to let me drive his car, I said no. He offered to take me out to eat and I said no. If I were using him, I would think I would have skimmed him for all I could! If I used him for anything, it was just for the chance to get out of the house without worrying about my daughter the whole time. But, that doesn't matter. People will believe what they want to. I know myself and I stayed true to that. I didn't lead him on or flirt or make him believe he was going to get anywhere with me.

the thought of him trying to kiss her makes her say "ick"

This was an observation after I met him that was more based on his personality sucking as a human being more than his looks. I seem to recall also stating he was better looking than I recalled from December, despite being an older man. So, the "time was cruel" comment was made before the date, not after. Not tactful I know and I regret making that comment now. I went because I honestly didn't have the best memory after I met him because if he had passed me on the street I wouldn't have recognized him. I was never introduced the 1st time he saw me at his party in December.

I learned a lot about myself that night and I learned that money most definitely isn't everything. I can't be bought, no matter what promises he can make to me using a dollar bill. No thanks. I'd rather be single. People can judge me how they want but I guess you could do that with anyone you go out with. All of the men I've dated prior were very good looking. So, I guess that makes me shallow. Now I go out with someone who is not and I'm a golddigger. You can't win either way.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:08 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

I explained why I was "upset" , need_hope.

You used language that was indeed "flogging" She11y, imo.

I don't have a dog in this fight and personally couldn't care less if she went out with him or not.

Then why the need to make the statements that you did. For instance:

He got to show up with his arm candy and a story about how he banged the hot young thing he had with him that night.

which is just another way of implying that what She11y did makes her look like a slut. This statement is all based on assumptions by you.

She11y has been nothing but gracious and sweet in her responses to all the less then kind and outright rude posts to her. Frankly, I would have told some of you to eff off.

She11y shows what real class looks like. (((She11y)))

p.s. I suppose my Mama Bear is coming out. She11y is the same age as my own DD. She seems to take to heart every comment made to her. Much of what has been said wasn't said with kindness or with any intention of constructive criticism. She doesn't deserve it and maybe she can be gracious to you "bullies", but I can't.

Awww...you are such a sweet mamabear (((SisterMilkshake)))

Its okay. Its funny you said that. My boss came to me one day (totally off topic) and touched me on my shoulder and said she knew one of my co-workers had been extremely mean and ornery with me in front of my peers and I just remember I told the coworker, "I'm sorry, I was just doing what I was told" (She literally was shooting the messenger) but I never "went off" on her or defended myself in the way some might. I'm a very passive aggressive you-have-to-corner-me before I come out swinging type of girl. I will walk away from a fight rather than egg one on. Just my style. But, my boss said that the fact that I didn't say anything to her.....but four....count them FOUR coworkers came to my defense and told my boss what happened..... said a lot about my character and also told her that it must be true. It made me feel good about who I am. I have a backbone.....but I'm choosey about picking my battles. Some aren't worth the fight. Some battles are lost before the first fist is thrown. I know who I am and that is all that matters.

I think I've come a long way since I started in SI. Matured a little bit....have you? Sure.....I screw up ALL THE TIME....but I've grown and am still learning and growing. I don't think that will stop until the day I take my last breath. Its called being human.

Actually SMS, the statement you quoted was meant to show what kind of douche-like thing the guy would likely say based on the types of comments Shelly shared with us. It was a condemnation of the man, not Shelly. I don't think she's a slut - you assumed that was my meaning.

And the fact that I disagreed with you about something does not make me a bully. Have you stopped to consider that your self-described Mama Bear reaction is making you come across as a bully?

I don't think she is being a bully... I think she is just defending me. I think its very sweet. My best friend has done that for me before....my coworkers have done that.....because they know what kind of person I am. They know that I'm genuinely (for the most part) GOOD and they hate to see me get hurt. I'm, admittedly, not the best at defending myself and can find it almost exhausting at times, but I will if push comes to shove. Its nice to have someone have my back occasionally and I appreciate it! But, I also appreciate the devils advocate side of things too. I learned some lessons from this journey and no, it didn't go very well at all. I didn't think it through about "how it would look" being out with him and should have expected the less than desired reactions that I got....but I was shocked and embarrassed instead. Lesson learned for sure! But, like my IC said, it taught me a lot about myself and instead of cowering in my house and hiding from the world, I put myself out there. It didn't work out. Que sera Sera....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:13 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

I am saying some here on this thread come across as bullying She11y , imo. That rubs me the wrong way. Didn't say because you disagreed with me that you are a bully. You can get your point across to her without being unkind and rude. Your words don't come across as kind or helpful to She11y.

Interesting that most of the menz who have stopped and posted noted the high level of cattiness on this thread. (if not on this thread in pm's)

I didn't assume that is what you were saying. Read again and try to comprehend what I posted about the statement you made:

just another way of implying that what She11y did makes her look like a slut.

I'm sure his friends are going to hear about how good he gave it to you.

Once again, you are saying it is about him but, backhandedly, you are saying that what She11y did makes her look like a slut, imo. BTW, how are you so sure? Do you think you really know him from a few posts here? Yes, there is a certain type, and he well could be one, but you are sure that is what he is saying. *shrug* Unless you are omnipotent, you can not know that.

If you want to characterize me as a bully for defending She11y from what I feel is unnecessarily unkind remarks, I'll take it and wear it proudly.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

I think that I'm the best one to determine what my words meant yet you seem hell-bent on insisting I meant something else when I wrote them. But, I'm tired of arguing the point - especially about something so insignificant.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one Sister.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one Sister.

Agree!

I personally know someone who married a great man 19 years older than herself and they've had a very happy marriage for 12+ years now. At first the age difference bothered her but the more she got to know him the less it mattered.

Life is strange sometimes and you never know unless you try. If I were in Shelly's shoes I would have gone too. At the very least it was a new experience.

I dated a man 20 years older than me. I would have never thought that I would be attracted to a man of that age. From the moment I laid eyes on him and he asked me to dance with him to today, this man has set the bar for me how I can be physically, emotionally and spiritually attracted to somebody.

There are many reasons why we are not together anymore, and those reasons are not good ones.

So, age does not always play a role. It was the way that Shellys original post was worded, that made me think this 'date' was a bad idea from the get go.

I actually considered the fact that I was not physically attracted to him and actually THOUGHT about how looks should not be so important in determining whether someone should get a date or not and how did I like it when I was 240 pounds and dateless because no one gave me a chance with dating until I had lost 50 of those pounds. I actually THOUGHT about the fact that my friends said he was a "nice" guy and I should give him a chance and see what happens. The car, the dinner, and fancy treatment were a bonus.

Well that is nowhere in the OP. The club and brand of car and dinner and drinks are literally the only reasons you give for going on the date. There is no mention of sympathy or him being nice. Personally I couldn't read between the lines that much so if you gave the wrong impression, understand it was still the impression you gave.

Shelly,

why did you start this thread?

You asked for opinions about what you should do. Almost every single poster said don't go. By the time you checked back in you had already gone on the date. What was the point in gathering opinions? I'm genuinely curious.

You asked for opinions about what you should do. Almost every single poster said don't go. By the time you checked back in you had already gone on the date. What was the point in gathering opinions? I'm genuinely curious.

I actually didn't have as much time as I had hoped to check back in. That day was crazy busy as I had stated earlier in this thread. Not EVERY single poster said don't go and at the end of the day, I made a decision. I was told by my friend's husband that he was a "nice" guy and that at least I could get out of the house and have a good time. If I didn't explain that better in my original post than I apologize. It was literally a last minute decision to go and I felt torn, which is why I posted to begin with. But, by the time I posted, I had so much to do the rest of the day, that I had to go by how I felt about the situation and rely on my gut. It seemed like I had nothing to lose but a few hours of my time by giving him a chance and I would have spent that time alone at home otherwise, like I have for countless other weekends. Just like any other date, you take chances and you make decisions.

This one didn't work out. I appreciate the feedback, even if it was after the fact. I'm sorry that I wasn't glued to my computer to respond as I usually am. I was unusually busy that day. But, you are right, I didn't post every single thought that went through my head that day. That would have taken a lifetime. But, I did take more into consideration than his fancy car and dinner. I've never gone out with a guy that was rich or had money before now so if I were that type of girl, I would think I would have. I have never been in a relationship with even a white collar man before. But, again....apparently I worded my post wrong and its going to be taken as such. Defending myself seems moot at this point.

I learned a valuable lesson and I appreciate the constructive criticism I received. I will follow my heart next time.....and my mind... be more safe.... and not compromise who I am in the future. My IC thinks this was a good thing for me and she was proud of me and she gets paid to evaluate decisions people make. I fully expected her to scold me, but she did not. She said I am far too hard on myself. I agree. And, I do NOT regret making this decision. It reaffirmed a lot about myself and that is a positive thing.

No one has to follow advice given here. I am not understanding the continued questioning of Shelly's judgement. It feels like she is getting overly grilled. She has answered from every angle and hashed it out with her IC. A single hard working mom of a toddler goes out with a guy even tho the chances it would be a not great date were more than half. It sucked but she got thru it and won't do that again. I feel a little mama bearish for Shelly tonight too. Give the girl a break.

This is going to be a thread jack.

Sister milkshake I think that you are a very fair, mature and thoughtful person. Your comments on this thread are reasonable and empathetic, I too have been a little saddened but not surprised by some of the comments.

I have to admit that I often see Shelly's posts with pages of responses and think to myself "oh boy, here we go again" as there is usually something that other members find provocative about them. I admit that the constant reference to the Maserati felt a bit off to me but I honestly don't think this same post would have received such a strong negative reaction had it have been posted by a different member.

Shelly from some of your other posts you appear to get this reaction in real life from other people such as your colleagues too, have you brought this up with your IC? Perhaps you could show her your posts and the responses they recieve?

[This message edited by nolight at 1:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

Shelly from some of your other posts you appear to get this reaction in real life from other people such as your colleagues too, have you brought this up with your IC? Perhaps you could show her your posts and the responses they recieve?

I think this might be wise.