SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm been dipping into OLD. Apart from how many people just don't respond I seem to be caught in a rut...

I'm 42 and have two young children. The majority of women that I see on the dating sites:

a) are aged low 30 - mid 30's with young Children and not looking for a 42 year old.

b) late 30's and up to mid 40's (the range I tend to look at) who all appear to have grown up Children and so don't want to 'take on' young ones

c) of any age range and have for whatever reason not got Children

So either I am too old (but with children the right age), or I am the right age but Children are too young. <sigh>

Maybe you need to come to Australia . I am late 30's and only finding men in their early 40's having children who are under the age of 5 and still wanting more children.

Not me I am done. My freedom is so close (my kids are 12 & 15) I don't want to start over no way no how

It's murphy's law I guess, we can always find what we don't want.

Lex71, I hear you. I having a tough time fitting somewhere on dates sites.

Not to get to off topic, but I see A LOT of women who are late 30s/early 40s who are not married. Even some who are beautiful. Why? I really don't want to get involved with them. They are either set in their ways, or don't know how to make a relationship work. I guess for me, I find that weird...

Bluebird26, I am with you on the kid part. I truly wish I would have had more children. But mine are 14 & 15. I love them with all of my heart. But, I am seeing the finish line where they will move on.

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

Ah Bluebird, I'd love to visit Australia, somewhere I have thought about travelling to many times, would be fun to have someone to go with though! Thanks for reply!

I understand what you say about 'almost free' :-) but it does kinda make the point I was making! So you're late 30's and in a few years you'll not have to stay home to watch the kids. I on the other hand am early 40's and have say another 12 years until the youngest is at that point. So there is the thing, say I was to ask you out, I suspect that with your growing freedom you wouldn't won't to get involved with someone with younger kids...

Well, I'm just using this as an example, not saying you would/wouldn't in real-life. That's a decision folk need to make, whatever is right for them. Just saying it seems to be the case with a significant number of women on OLD and I thought the age for having kids was increasing!

As you say, murphys law!!

As a 43 year old woman with an 8 and 10 year old…I, oddly, tend to date men a little younger than me since we tend to have kids about the same age. Current man is 39 with a 7 year old.

I remember being at the grocery store with my kids and seeing a nice looking man giving me a big smile. I recognized him from OLD and a few day later sent him a message that said, "Were you the man with the great smile last Monday at Kroger?" He replied that he was, and that I was adorable…but he is 50 with a 29 and 22 year old and our major difference was kid age.

He has time on his hands and I do not. Simple as that. Didn't matter that we found each other attractive and otherwise would have pursued something.

Part of OLD is learning that it is easier when you meet someone in a similar "place". It gives you something in common.

I very clearly state on my profile that I have primary custody of an 8 and 10 year old so the men can "self-select" out just based on my place in my parenting life.

They are there, you just have to keep looking. Most women I know who are on OLD have guidelines rather than rules they are following (e.g., their desired age range for a man is typically 5 yrs younger to 10 years older), BUT since its a guideline they have some flexibility depending on other attributes (personality, looks, experiences etc).

I'm 38 with young kids and dated a man from OLD who was claimed to be 38 w/ young kids too (and we had lots of other things in common). Turned out he was 43 (his pic was about 10 yrs old too). I thought he was handsome in person and would be fine dating a 43yr old. I was not fine with dating a liar.

I wondered if he found himself in your situation so he "fudged" his age. Maybe he did but I didn't want to risk the alternative (tip of iceberg of lies) so I didn't continue to relationship.

Ironic!

I'm late 30's with young children. I've decided that when the divorce comes through, I'm going to be looking at 35-47yr old men, but am worrying about having young children and not wanting any more. Also worried about men who haven't been parents and don't have the maturity for it. I'm in no hurry, though. I'd rather be single than settle.

You only need to find one lady that is a good match.

All of us have weird things that mean we won't match with the vast majority of people on OLD. Instead of dwelling on that, stay positive and the right lady should come along!

I say keep looking. I'm in my early 30's with a small child and would have no problem dating someone older than me who also has small children. There should hopefully be someone out there.

Just keep looking, she's bound to be there. Just might take some time. I hear what some are saying about women whom have never been married and without children and are attractive. I get that same feeling..."What's wrong with them?"

I tried dating one and really liked her. She was 42 and I was 45 at the time. She was never married or had children. We seemed to hit it off, but I think she just couldn't handle the fact I had a teenager. She was also somewhat materialistic. Always name dropping places she's been and wealthy people she knew (and things they had). Lived out at the beaches. Around here beaches folks think their shit is great. She seemed to be on OLD all the time. I began to wonder what in the hell was she looking for? Then she proofed on me after three dates and broke the fourth. Honestly I don't think she knew what she wanted in a man nor would give it an honest go because maybe there was always someone better out there in her mind. Maybe she was a female player...who knows.

Personally I'm not interested in women with really young children. It severely limits their time to date to a guy my age...sad but true. At my age I would find it too frustrating as I've BTDT with young kids. I know how much time they require to raise. I feel like I'm finally getting my life back as an adult and would like someone whom we can share ample time together on those off weekends.

I just looked at your profile. You're less than a year out from dday and only a few month separated. You also said in your profile that you rushed into your last relationship after your M broke down due to an A...then you got cheated on in this one.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you need to work on yourself for a while before getting into another relationship?

I say this as someone who was engaged to an abusive POS before marrying STBXH. I met STBXH only a couple of months after breaking up with my previous fiance. NOW, looking back, I realise it was far too soon. I was trying to self medicate the pain, by finding someone else.

It's been just under 2years since my dday, just over a year since we separated. I've been using this time to work on myself. I know that the responsibility for the A is all on STBXH, but I have had to ask myself some hard questions:

- Why did I tolerate his bad treatment of me, eroding my boundaries, and trying to work on R with him when he clearly wasn't remorseful? What is it in ME, that was ok with staying in an unhealthy relationship like that? Why was that? What needs to change?

- Why do I go for people with clear brokenness? Do I have a KISA complex? Why do I try to change/fix people? Is this part of being co-dependent?

- Why did I want to jump from one relationship to another? Why wasn't I happy to be alone and recover? Am I looking for a partner to fill an hole/meet my needs, rather than be their own (healthy) person who I meet as an equal?

I'm starting to think about dating in the future, but I'm not ready yet. I don't want to use other people to make me feel better about myself. I want a healthy relationship in the future...and I'm not quite there yet. I need to work on myself and my co-dependency some more so that I don't:

- ignore red flags

- try to find a fixer upper

- try to find someone to fix me

- let someone mistreat me

I don't know if any of this resonates with you?

Thing is, when I was about where you are, I wanted everything to be fixed. I wanted to be the person who recovered way faster than most people, after all, the problem was with my STBXH, right? But it's taken time alone to let myself realise the problems in me that I need to change to have a better relationship in the future. It's been hard,but I'm glad that I've waited.

Its really interesting reading what everyone thinks and has experienced. Its a roller-coaster on OLD for sure!

Softcentre - thanks for your kind words of advice. Yes there are elements of what you say...I am more realistic these days, I don't expect to fall into being GF+BF straight away - I expect to be having to spend time getting to know someone. The previous relationships, were with people I 'knew'....someone form work and someone I dated at school about 20 years earlier...all sounded great but actually (somehow) jumped from first date to living together within a very short time. Red flags all over the place...dating is something that I can't say I have EVER done because of how these previous relationships happened.

Long story short, I'm more realistic about expectations, I have learned that there are elements of 'me' that I won't compromise on just to have a relationship & I'm not so immature!