Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: LonelyandUnsure

Just Found Out :
Desperately seeking details

This Topic is Archived
default

 zeekitty (original poster new member #43579) posted at 4:49 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

I'm on the second downward plunge of the rollercoaster. It's only been about a month since DDay. As I've said before, WH is doing everything I could ask for and more. At this moment in time, he is not the problem.

The problem is my obsessing. I know that it's normal to obsess over details and that the urge to go "pain shopping" is also normal. I've fought it, successfully, so far by reminding myself that I don't need those details. My therapist told me that I should only seek the 'broad brush' and not get too bogged down. And I've been good.

But the obsession today is overwhelming. I want desperately to dig into the details (by asking him or going through his phone, calling up the OW) and I'm having an extra hard time stopping myself. I just need some encouragement to keep it together.

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6822335
default

tfkeel ( member #19517) posted at 5:12 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Stay the course. Keep the faith. Your counselor has given you good advice to "seek the broad brush".

WH is doing everything I could ask for and more.

This is the "broad brush".

posts: 1201   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2008   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6822358
default

LuvsAngel2014 ( new member #43551) posted at 5:49 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Maybe you feel that you do not have all the truth yet, therefore you need to see and hear the details in order to make sense of it in your head or see your proof? I do not know your story - but in my case, I realized I obsessed because my gut knew that I didn't have the full story. Is this a possibility in your case too?

Me BS: 33
Him WS: 33 highschool sweethearts
Kids: DS 4 yrs old and DD 2 yrs old
DDay: Feb 13/2014 and ongoing TT
NC: Broken May 2014
Many online affairs and dating, at least 3 EAs and 3 admitted PAs

posts: 20   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 6822415
default

BreatheAgain10 ( member #32657) posted at 9:47 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Personally, I needed the details because my imagination was a thousand times worse than what the reality was (at least that's what my fWH convinced me of over the last 4 yrs). You may end up with more triggers the more you know, but if your WH is doing all he can to help you heal, those triggers can begin to subside with time, patience, and comfort from him.

"The beauty of your life being burned down to the ground is that you can rebuild it any f*cking way you want!"
BW: Me 37yrs WH: 32yrs
Multiple DDays. Lots of TT & lies. Last DDay: 02/07/2015
Tgthr 15yrs, Married 12yrs, in R
4 sons

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2011   ·   location: Sunny So. Cal.
id 6822789
default

clueless1 ( new member #43460) posted at 10:19 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

I felt and sometimes still feel the same way. My D-Day was 6 weeks ago. I went looking for answers and I found (some). I went with my impulse and spoke to OW. I can't tell you it helped because it truly didn't. But it did satisfy my curiosity. Don't know if it'll be the same for you. I don't know how long it takes for this to feel better and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you and keep the faith. You are strong.

sometimes love doesn't conquer all

posts: 37   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2014   ·   location: NJ
id 6822832
default

Wytuka ( new member #43008) posted at 11:02 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

I had to have all the details, because otherwise my imagination ran wild and I imagined things that were worse. Well, as if it could be worse, but at the same time it could.

I don't regret demanding and getting details. They hurt. They cause triggers. But not as bad as my imagination caused.

Me-BS 38
Him- WH 41
5 kids ages 18,17,16, 8, and 1 (& one little boy in Heaven)
He had a ONS 4/1/14 D-day 4/3/14
Working to R

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2014
id 6822867
default

OutoftheDeep ( member #42601) posted at 11:53 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Sometimes the need for details is based on a need to know there is NOTHING left that is just between WS/OP. Every ugly detail a BS learns, no longer belongs to the WS/OP, is no longer a secret, and no longer perpetuates a world they created that is "just for them". To me, unspoken details remain a bond between WS/OP.

But, I do totally understand not wanting to know details, as well.

Me - BW 40s
He - exWH 40s
2/15 Over. I had enough. I don't care anymore, and it feels awesome. He can have all the strippers, coworkers, and exes he wants now. Except now he doesn't think they're so appealing. Oh well.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2014
id 6822930
default

bigskyblues ( member #36759) posted at 10:11 AM on Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

Zeekitty, I understand the need for details being overwhelming. In my case it all transpired so fast from DDay to divorce I never got much for details. After time that obsession began to fade to the point where I just don't care, I have moved on.

Is there some other activity you could focus that energy/obsession on? Exercise is one of the most effective ways to burn off a lot of that obsessive energy.

BSB

BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!

posts: 277   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2012
id 6823348
default

OakStreet ( member #41193) posted at 11:24 AM on Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

Everyone is different in how much detail they want to know about the A.

I have seen postings here where the BS asked for (and received) graphic details of sexual encounters.

Other people just want a timeline of when & where the affair activities took place.

Therapists also differ in their opinion about how much info is "healthy" for R.

This decision is YOURS. You get to decide how much info you need. It may be painful, but in my case, the scenarios I imagined were worse than the ones that took place.

Good luck to you!

Me: 60, WH 67
Married: 23 years
DS 21, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
Divorced Jan. 2016

posts: 961   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2013
id 6823361
default

 zeekitty (original poster new member #43579) posted at 5:14 PM on Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

Thank you, all.

I found this the other day: http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2010/04/pain-shopping-how-to-stop-seeking-out.html

It speaks to what I'm feeling.

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6823845
default

hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 2:06 AM on Thursday, June 5th, 2014

At almost 19 months out I don't need all the nitty gritty details...I am sure he had some great SEX ....but now he knows the difference between sex and making love....

I know he justified it all in his broken mind....but now his mind is clear....

remorse is different than regret...I am sure in the becoming he had regrets....now it is all about remorse...big difference....

Connection and communication...that is why we are better than ever...

when I feel stuck I talk to him....

We connect by holding hands...I love holding hands..we had not done that for years....

think forward...it's where you want to be...one micro step at a time...

I wish you peace

me-BS him-WS

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2885   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 6824534
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy