SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I missed the sign that my husband suddenly couldn't stand me. How I was able to make excuses for that one, I'll never know.

When I realized that he was guarding his cell phone like it had nuclear codes in it, I knew he was hiding something. Even then, I didn't suspect cheating.

It's funny how our minds will let us ignore things, believe things that are obvious bullshit, and just carry on. It's almost like we already knew, and the first defense mechanism is learning to imagine that things are much better than they are.

Talking about a male coworker during normal conversations and then suddenly never mentioning his name again.

My biggest mistake, not believing in my own gut feelings. Which are 100% accurate.

Tons. But the worst would easily be her changing her email password, which I noticed immediately. I'm her backup account, so I got a notification of the change. And I have her calendar on my phone, so that password broke. She said it was an accident, and gave me the new one. Still, if someone said, "my spouse randomly changed their password" I would have said, "they might be creeping." But not *my wife*

Signs that I missed over a 7 year period of time, because I trusted him blindly and implicitly, and never thought he'd wake up stupid at Year 25 of our 34 year marriage and have an A:

1. I forget what year this was (WH retired in 2008, and this boner pill discovery was before that), but I was looking for the Swiss Army knife with tweezers, which I knew he kept in his dresser drawer. In the drawer, I found his boner pills. There weren't viagra, and I had to look them up on the internet to find out they were boner pills--I thought they might be blood pressure pills.

Once I found out they were boner pills, I immediately called my sister, and I was kinda panicking. She calmed me down and said he's probably using them so he can get himself off, since she knew he had major ED and PE--to the point where we were not having sex and guessed he could probably not "do" himself without pharmaceutical help. She asked if he was acting weird, of if there was anything suspicious going on. I said no, he goes to work, he goes bowling and since I know the bowling buddies, they would have mentioned something if he was missing the games, and he goes to movies. He comes home when he is supposed to. I never did ask him about the pills.

2. I went out to the Man Cave and walked in and he jumped when I went in --he didn't hear me coming-- and slammed his flip phone shut. I asked who were you talking to? He said someone from the bowling league about the game coming up. I believe that because there was nothing to NOT believe. He was a team captain and he talked with the team and made calls to get subs as needed etc. I should have been more suspicious of the time, because it was after 10:00 PM, but I also knew he and the team often made calls in the late evening.

3. We do not enjoy the same kinds of movies, so he would go by himself. He went to a lot of movies, 4 or 5 times a month (he used movies as an excuse 2 to 3x/month so he could travel and fuck the slut and then travel back) and I usually would ask him about the previews. For one of the movies he went to see, I asked him about the previews and he said it didn't have any previews. I said that's really weird because they always have previews to get you in to see another movie. He said yeah, it was weird, but it didn't have previews.

4. He went to see the movie "Lincoln", which I know now was a lie, along with a lot of other movies he said he saw. I asked him how was Sally Field in her role and he gave some lame, half-assed answer that I thought was a typical guy response--you know, like a guy who watches the movie but is not paying too much attention to an older female actress who is playing Mrs. Lincoln.

5. One time I was helping him do something on his phone, maybe showing him how to set an alarm or something, and I went through his Contacts and saw "Mich"--I know WH is a poor speller, so I thought it might be his spelling for Michael. I asked him Who's Mich? He said oh, that's someone who subs for us on the league some times. I never thought anything more of it. I believed him.

Why does trusting someone with your whole heart and soul make you feel so stupid when you find out there were signs and you were never suspicious enough to think there was something wrong?

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

We would be shopping and he became obsessed with all those different old spice body spray he would smell them all and take forever then he made his perfect scent the swagger mixed with pure sport and he never bought that stuff before. Also when we got married I smoked cigarettes but then I quit but after I had a serious fight with my family and quit talking to them I got depressed and started again. He would always moan and complain every time I bought cigarettes. He would whine bad they stuff his sinuses give him a headache blah blah. Then he didn't care if I got them. found out he kinda felt bad for what he was doing and he figured the more he complained the more I would do it. Plus he was stuck chasing that whore.

When he got herpes in esophagus. He made up some lame story and I believed it.

When my cat kept staring at the woods and guarding me while he and I worked outside. Turns out psycho bich was stalking me and fWH keeping on tabs on him and salivating about my life and home. Cat never does this obsessing any longer.

When psycho bitch knocked on my door very loudly. It was the door noone knows we use. I was not dressed for company and didn't answer luckily. She was pissed and came to tell me their dirty little secret. Only in hindsight do I know it was slunt cuz the car is one of a kind wreck.

When psycho bitch deflated my tires to nearly zero air. I have never ever had enemies til that thing.

When psycho bitch drove down a road near my farmhouse towards our field. I assumed it was someone goin to the neighbors but it was going to see my cheating husband but he didn't know it. It was surprisin him to make sure he knew trailer trash was watching us and keeping tabs.

Psycho bitch left items for me to find to expose the cheating, yes she was allwed to step foot in my house and bed and wanted to slyly let me know to break my M up. My fWH found most of these things and I found more later. Some were hidden for awhile and were only found when actively searching. What a passive aggressive head case cumdumpster.

When strange car (now I know it was her distinct trashy car) was parked near woods down road. It was evil witch's I now know and was her entrance to hunters stand in woods to watch our house from. Bitch was trespassing on others land too.

When my fWH starting grooming daughter and I that he wasn't available via phone or text.

When fWH accidentally butt called me while I now believe he was with OW.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

Wow!! Whattheh that is really scary! How did you get her to stop stalking you?

I overheard a phone conversation between him and OW and his tone of voice was so tender and loving, it sounded familiar, hmmm, just like, when, years ago, he was courting me. The kicker was when I heard him mention a kiss.

He wasn't particularly possessive of his phone, and I was aware that he had had several phone calls and text messages with OW, but because I trusted him I always assumed it was innocent friendship.

I confronted him about the tender tone of voice and he managed to convince me it was platonic, explaining that OW was in an abusive relationship and he was supporting her. Based on the tone of voice I'd recognised, I warned him plainly not to mislead or step over the line with his behaviour. He agreed to and assured me there was nothing to worry about. My gut told me otherwise, but I chose to trust him. I wanted to be a trusting wife, not a jealous, suspicious wife. I chose to trust him the way I felt he could trust me. Funny thing is, OW was the only one of WH's female friends that never wanted to meet me. Now I understand why.

Well, he cut way down on the phone calls and text messages, but the communication continued on FB, which I later discovered. That was D-Day #1.

With his other AP, I also had quite blatant evidence in front of me. However, again, he managed to convince me it was platonic, or at least, that she had a crush on him but it wasn't reciprocated. It was only after D-Day #1 and starting to learn about infidelity that I was able to revisit the evidence and finally plainly see the truth - that the so-called friendship he had defended as legitimate, was anything but. That was D-Day #2.

Like many, ignored the strange phone password change, he said to keep kids off games, the late night working in office, probably emailing and talking, the less and less attention and picky fights, the lack of enthusiasm for christmas and New Years, the adamant guys trip before Christmas, the strange extra Friday night stay on business because worked late. The list goes on. I finally opened his credit card bill in his name after I felt the resentment loud and clear, yup, confirmed what my brain was trying to ignore for months.

She asked me on several different occasions (and out of the blue) if I was having an affair, even though I gave her Reason to think that (her projecting I guess).

She started giving me her cheek when I would go to kiss her every morning before going to work.

She only contacted me at work to figure out what time I was coming home.

She did two suitcases full of his laundry but told me it was the neighbor's son's (their machines were broken).

She always had her phone with her and was texting ALL of the time.

She started dressing differently.

Everything is easier to see in hindsight. The signs are obvious and everywhere. That's the hard part. Realizing how we didn't notice his stuff b/c we were doing what you're supposed to do in a normal M - trusting the other person unconditionally.

There's something else

I remembered. You know how most guys who cheat are late from work. Mine did the opposite. He would leave an hour earlier than usual. I don't normally get up at 4 am so it was easy for him to sneak out early. Ow worked close to our hone and her workday started at 430 am soo...he was,stopping by to see her on his way to work instead of after.

Of course we can't forget the manscaping. After 20+ yrs together he decided it was something I liked..never asked me but uhm yea....

Shaved his pubes bald as,a baby's butt

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:37 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

I missed them all. Every single one. I wasn't paying attention. I was numb and just going through the motions.

Looking back though I should have noticed

- the way he'd get get all dressed up for work on the nights she worked.

- the way he vented to me about every employee except for her. He never mentioned her name again after he promoted her.

- either the day before or the day after he spent time with her he would insist on spending "family" time together. Which meant a movie or taking the boat out. I guess that's how he relieved his guilt. Although he spent most of his family time texting her

- my son would complain that when he went anywhere with his dad that his dad spent the whole time texting or talking on the phone.

- the biggest sign should have been that he always accused me of cheating

- he would call in middle of the night to make sure I was in bed/asleep before he would take off from work and meet up with ow.

Not noticing how self centered & selfish he was from day one. That was the biggest one.

Being accused of cheating, he became incredibly insufferable w/main OW, constant accusations that I was putting wedges between us, leaving way early for work, not being home when I got home from work (at 4 or 5 a.m.).

I suspect I'll notice this sort of thing more in the future.

Along with so many, the selfish thing.

I'm actually embarrassed to admit... I found rubbers in his dresser. He had a V 10 years prior to me finding! WTF.? How could I ever be so DUMB? I can't even remember (probably don't want to) whether I confronted him ( I think I did) and what his excuse was that I so easily believed.

HE didn't give off the first signs, SHE did.

I had a gut feeling about howorker the MINUTE I met her. Well okay, it was actually the second time I saw her, first time was her standing way in the back smoking a cigarette with the other married man!!

Second time, she had come in on her day off to hang around You could tell she had tried to look hot, it was the first time I saw how she had literally no butt. and so her jeans were like hiphuggers and yes, the top of her thong was showing. The way she was dressed, and being there on her day off, AND telling a story to everyone around how she was at a bar the last night and she didn't mind leading guys on to get free drinks.

I warned WH right away. I even predicted what kinds of things she probably said and did to get attention, and I was right.

So, with that one "signs" no, because I was onto her and it wasn't esoteric abstract signals, it was like reading a kindergarten book she was that simple.

Now, to my first marriage and exWH: that was different. Here were the signs:

Signs from OW:

Giving him holiday/bday cards separate from the other employee card that everyone signed.

Whining to him and other guys about her SO.

Very aware of being "cool", you know not like us nagging wives

Never seemed to hang around the girls much, just the guys

Would whine about problems that were nothing. On DDAy, one of the things she told me was that my WH "had helped her through so much".

Was aloof to me.

Was extra nice to my kids.

Suddenly found a better job and quit when I started asking questions from other workers. (I think WH and her decided she should do this)

Her SO told me she got very depressed after she "quit".

Her mom instigated herself around my WH also. Her mom acted bubbly around exWH, but when I ran into her in Walmart right before dday, she saw me and ran the other way.

OW instigated herself into being friends with WH brother and BIL and best friend. She often hung around these guys going to play pool and stuff.

ExWH signs:

First sign ever, exWH tried to set up one of his good friends with OW soon after he hired her. I think it was exWH way of trying to be around her more without arousing my suspicions, and him being satisfied at the time with that. He invited them over briefly one night, first time I met her. I didn't like her right away. she tried so hard to act cool and innocent and kind of spacey. I will never forget her strolling around outside, and looking up at the sky like she was so spiritual and catching snowflakes with her tongue.

Never leaving his phone.

Phone ringing, he would ignore it, then go outside and make a phone call.

Would pick fights with me and was critical.

Told me I was jealous.

Accused me of cheating.

Lead a very straight life but had a lot of unaccounted for time during the day.

Hid cards that was just from her. I found one in his pocket once.

Never took me anywhere, but talked about how bad it was that her SO didnt' take her out enough.

Loathed cheaters, but when she got caught on the lap of another man by her SO, he acted like SO deserved it for not paying enough attention to her.

Never helped me watch our young children, so I was always saddled with children. Gave him running around time, and he also knew I was always at home so he wouldn't get caught.

When at my parents out of town, he would get us all tucked in, then act like he had to work early and leave late at night.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 10:12 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

The ONS in 1993 I knew NOTHING about. I had a newborn. He was working out of town all week with his dad. It was never on my radar.

The ho-worker in 2010 -- He'd leave for work an hour early. He'd come home late. He'd stop at the bar. He was using a secret phone that I ultimately caught him using (that was D-day) so there wasn't any secrecy with the phone I knew about. He would hide the phone in plain sight. I never checked anywhere, had no reason to suspect. Boy, I wish I had. He came to me on evening heading out to do hay and his secret phone when off in his pocket. I heard it. I confronted him. He ran out of the room like his ass was on fire and hid the phone. By the time I got to him, it wasn't on him but told me to "pat" him down. Yeah. How's THAT for stupid? Even after this, I never went looking for a secret phone. Gah. He was very distant, very depressed, telling me I was the one that was depressed. Drinking heavily. Suicidal. Signs were everywhere. If he does it again, he won't be that stupid again and I'll probably never find out.

She started giving me her cheek when I would go to kiss her every morning before going to work.

Blindsided:

That's a good one, and one that isn't appearing often.

My wayward started giving me a sideways hug at the door, when I tried to kiss him good buy in the morning, forcing my kiss to land on his cheek.

I read in an affair book that this a a common action.

Instead of giving the full frontal hug, they turn their body sideways, when you try to hug them to avoid the full frontal contact of the normal hug.

Very interesting, but common behavior to look out for.

Also, several times my spouse called me at home to ensure that I was indeed at home, so he did not have to worry about me seeing him in town with the OW.

I can't copy and paste on this I Pad, but scuba chick I just wanted to say that mine did that "hanging out with the son but texting the whole time" thing too. My son would come back heartbroken because daddy barely talked to him during father/son days.

Honestly, out of all the things that happened during the affair, I found the neglect towards the kids the cruelest. The way he was constantly irritated by nearly everything they did, acted like it was all he could do just to be around us for more than an hour... Had to pull his teeth to go do anything as a family and he would be distctracted the whole time... the truth is they only had half a dad, because he only as if liked them about half the time. When he was actally home, and not "working late" that is. He says it was guilt, being around them he felt like a fraud. But I don't care. He hurt them. They didn't understand why daddy didn't like them. They thought they were bad kids and kept trying to make him laugh or please him in some way.

That just goes to show how these affairs spiral out cruelty in ways that WSs don't anticipate. The level of pain thoughtlessly dished around Is astounding.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 10:52 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

EA/PA #1. I didn't miss any red flags. I was at sea on a deployment. They only had one get together after I got back. She was afraid I would find out since she really wasn't hiding her tracks so she came "clean"...after weeks of TT.

EA/PA #2. Again she waited till I was on a three month assignment to start this one. But I guess she had fancied this A-hole for months. After I got back, the PA stopped but the EA blew up.

- I tried to have sex with her on the day I left (cause I would be gone for 3 months, duh). She actually started crying. At the time she said it was too emotional with me leaving again but now she admits she couldn't get him out of her head.

- Stonewalled me on phone calls

- Treated my like we were amicably divorced...sending pictures of kids and forwarding emails concerning schedules. Not a single personal text or facebook post.

- Changed passwords

- Drank more

- Found her playing with OM on "Words with Friends". All I said was I don't want you playing with dudes I don't know.

- Went to the doctor to check out a yeast infection (actually a STD test). She has chronic yeast infections and I know the signs. She NEVER just goes to the doctor.

- unhealthy attachment to iPhone.

- stayed up way later than me (OM was now 6 time zones behind)

- she only used the PC a few times (mostly just used her phone) but browser history showed his name more than a few times. I asked about it, don't remember what she said.

What really grinds my gears is this is her SECOND affair. How did I miss the signs? And will I catch them if it happens again?