SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

With my ex, I don't remember him pulling away until we were married. I can look back and see behavior I didn't like (like how he treated wait staff, or getting stupid drunk, or having to have his Mother's approval for everything…), but not pulling away from me. When I truly remember the first real problem was when we had been married about 2 years and we relocated. I was missing my family terribly, and he had absolutely no empathy or sympathy for how I was feeling. None. Like dead inside. It went downhill from there.

He has love-bombed everyone. What I heard was that he gave elaborate gifts to every partner (paid for a grandmother's funeral! Took them to Hawaii!!). What I heard from the AP that outed him, it was the same. Lots of flowers sent to work (apparently this is ok in the gay community too…), arranged to have champagne waiting in hotel rooms, surprise tickets to Broadway shows.

Those exact same things he did for me. I wasn't special. It had nothing to do with….me.

As romantic as it sounds, it really wasn't romantic. It was…manipulative.

So, maybe new guy isn't "the one" for you. Give it a little time and see how he unfolds. He may become more demonstrative as time goes on, he may not and you find you need that.

But, I believe the answer lies somewhere in the middle. My new guy said upfront, "I'm not a gifts and flowers kinda guy." which, with my background, is perfectly OK with me. What I did tell him was that I know he is caring (which he is) and that is all I really care about. That way, I can pay attention to the emotional stuff and look for the sweet and caring stuff that I really want.

You just need to figure out what is important to you and why. If it is gifts…it is gifts.

BTW, I had a long conversation with my BFF about my current guy. They aren't crazy about him because they think guys should "dote" on woman…where I disagree. She said, "Well…ex doted on you!" I replied, "No…ex bought me." He still tries to buy me..because that is the only way he knows how to respond to people. Mother's Day was wwaaaayyyy over the top. Probably $250 worth of merchandise. What would *I* want?? He didn't care.

I see this post and wonder coming from a dissatisfaction with the current guy--and that's okay. Love bombing does feel good, which is why we fall for it and then crave it (lord knows I did), but you're not really dissastified right now because he's not love bombing you; you're dissatisfied because he not only isn't love-bombing you, he's not really going out of his way to be in touch and make you feel secure. It is perfectly fine to want to be shown he is thinking of you and to need to feel secure and you aren't right now. There is a middle ground that he's not meeting you on and because your past history is so extreme, it can be hard to make the distinction. But you can want more without wanting to be swept off your feet in an unhealthy manner.

I agree. In a previous post you said he has only called you on the phone once and now you state when he texts it's not till 8:30. It's almost like he couldn't do less.

Also there is so much of him not doing stuff he said he would do not being where he said he would be, texting to cancel texting to say he'll be late. And his facebook status says single?

I notice every time he lets you down you go right to talking about how your ex was so different as if that is somehow relevant to the situation at hand. It isn't.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I just can't see this new guy in a more positive light.

I don't think it was the gifts that made me feel special. I've been thinking about it, and I think it was the words that went along with the gifts. The flowers once a month came with a card that said "thanks for the best ___ months of my life." He was always saying something sweet to me. I don't care about gifts or money. He never spent very much on me. I think what made me feel so special were the words that he said.

And maybe that's why I feel stuck. I very much loved the words and I desire the words. But at the same time, he proved that words are meaningless. He was saying all the sweet things at the same time that he was cheating.

So I think I want words of affirmation, but I'm also scared of it at the same time.

It seems like you're saying that love bombing is more over the top gift giving? Can you have lots of words of affirmation in a healthy way? Or is that love bombing too?

As for why I need words of affirmation... good question. I think it makes me feel wanted and special and important, and I like feeling that way.

I notice every time he lets you down you go right to talking about how your ex was so different as if that is somehow relevant to the situation at hand. It isn't.

I'm just trying to sort out my feelings, and I do that best sometimes by talking it out. I called to make an appointment with a new IC yesterday, but the office is only open Monday-Wednesday. So I have to call back next week.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 12:15 PM, June 6th (Friday)]

Yeah, I get it. That is why I post on SI, I need to verbally/mentally work through something I'm just not *quite* getting. I need my thoughts challenged so I can look at things from a different perspective.

What you are describing isn't an emotional connection to me. He is saying what a great few months HE had.

"thanks for the best ___ months of my life."

I don't see a true emotional/deep connection.

Does that make any sense? You were in the middle of it, so it felt right to you, but it seems…over the top…from the outside. I get it, since I was in that relationship for 17 years until he was finally outed.

When I discovered that he sent 3 sets of flowers one day…one to me, one to his LTAP and one to the new AP…I thought that would kill me. Literally, I was looking at a FB photo of what he sent to his LTAP and looking in real life at the bouquet he sent me. It was like an alternate universe exploded in front of me. I cannot describe it.

I think you are just working through a new layer of healing. Having to go back and look at his behavior and reexamine where YOU made a mistake in believing him. I think comparing that feeling to what you are feeling now is very normal. You are figuring out what you want.

I know that if I date a guy that wants to cover me in gifts again, I'd probably run away screaming. I'm not sure that I want to decipher those actions again. Occasionally send me flowers, like a birthday? Sure! Bring me flowers that he picked up at the grocery store and brought home because they were pretty and he thought I might like them…yup. But, big displays sent to work?? Constantly? Announcing how happy they are? Nope.

Can you see the difference?

In the guys I've date, none of them have been like that. They have "taken care of me" by doing smaller, more intimate things. It is really hard to describe. The connection is more…intimate. Not so "LOOK AT ME!"

I don't really see the ex as love bombing. I don't see flowers once a month as love bombing. Two months is long enough to say I love you. Two months is long enough to feel love, although it would just be forming. But if he was sociopathic he would never feel love anyway.

Maybe you miss some of these sweet things because you just miss them.

Somers post is very good and the site she talks about has good articles.

For me examples of love bombing (from different guys)...

strange compliments that had nothing to do with me

"you are the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life" on the first date. wtf does that even mean

inappropriate gifts I didn't want, need, or ask for. I mentioned a favorite artist and he bought tickets to an event that had been sold out for months it cost over $700. This was in the first month of dating and he only made 40k

proposing to me after 6 months, ring and all. We got engaged.

"I love you" on Day 10. Telling me on the first date that if I wanted to date other guys that would be ok but he wouldn't be seeing anyone else. I later found out that wasn't even true.

Asking me to move in after a month. I moved in.

Paying for stuff that was my responsibility. When I talked to my therapist about some of this he made me go home and google the word "boundaries" and learn about it myself and then come back and discuss it with him. Paying my rent, my cat vaccinations, buying me a new phone. Volunteering to do this stuff. I thought, hey why turn it down. If I had better boundaries at the time I would have turned down the money AND the guy.

Not respecting your time or space aka being a psycho. SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED. This is a huge no. Exh did this while we were dating. Also, if he called and I was busy and let it go to vm, he would call again in 15 minutes. I would think it was an emergency and answer and he was just calling to say hi. I had to explain to him not to do this. If you tell him he needs to leave or that you're busy and he has a tantrum, huge red flag.

Overly lavish gifts that are inappropriate for the occasion or stage of the relationship. Now this goes way beyond once a month flowers. I went out with a guy once and he took me to a very well known restaurant. I wanted a new dress for our date and he bought me one. I had known this guy as a friend for a few months before but only tangentially. He started talking about how he'd never been to Las Vegas and had I ever been... guess who went to LV for a SECOND DATE??? Now had that been something we both paid for on our 5 year anniversary it would have been different so context is everything.

What else? Oh yeah, running to my car, running late for work only to find a whole bunch of balloons tied to it. I was not amused as I had to run back into my shitbox apartment and find a pair of scissors and be even later for my crappy waitressing job.

Pretty much... If you have seen it done in a romantic comedy it's love bombing.It seems so sweet when it's some awesome new guy doing it but you look back and thing *cringe*

eta: ita your need to talk things out, my point was that the new guy just totally drops the ball, and you kinda say, well, maybe it's ok because the last guy did all this nice stuff and look what a jerk he turned out to be....therefore, maybe....a guy whose interest in me is super low will turn out to be nice, see? And I just can't agree. It is possible that 2 guys are both jerks. It's like you keep giving the new guy bonus points and extra lives because of how bad the last guy was.

[This message edited by absolut at 1:53 PM, June 6th (Friday)]

If they are a psychopath, they are probably going to move on to their next target if you stand firm. You have ceased to be fun and they get bored very easily.

YES!! My first post-S-ex-new-guy stopped contacting me when I told him I wanted a bf and not a guy to just mess around with...Haven't heard from him since.

I'm still a little sad about it because I liked him, but I'm MUCH smarter about these types of Don Juan's now...

Good thing is I know what I want now. :) Took a while. I can't beleive I was such a strong woman all the years STBXH was manipulating me for so long. He played on my weakness and made me think I was paranoid for being jealous of his overly friendly behavior towards the opposite sex. What a DB!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:25 PM, June 6th (Friday)]

eta: ita your need to talk things out, my point was that the new guy just totally drops the ball, and you kinda say, well, maybe it's ok because the last guy did all this nice stuff and look what a jerk he turned out to be....therefore, maybe....a guy whose interest in me is super low will turn out to be nice, see? And I just can't agree. It is possible that 2 guys are both jerks. It's like you keep giving the new guy bonus points and extra lives because of how bad the last guy was.

Yeah, that's one of the things I'm trying to work out in my mind. I can't have someone just tell me that. I have to work it out and see it myself. I have a logical brain, and it's just the way I am.

Thanks for the examples you gave me. He didn't do over the top stuff like that, except the space thing. If he texted and I didn't immediately respond, he would assume I was angry and blow my phone up with texts and calls. Sometimes I would be napping, and then see it when I woke up. My IC told me he had signs of BPD. He was very affectionate at the beginning, then pulled away. But if he sensed me pulling away at all (even if it wasn't real), he would freak out and chase me. But he did constantly lavish me with sweet words and compliments. He always told me that I was better than him, and that he didn't deserve me. He would do things like email me an itenarary every single weekend with all these romantic things we would do together. He would plan surprise picnics. He constantly told me how pretty I was. He just made me feel special.

I know that if I date a guy that wants to cover me in gifts again, I'd probably run away screaming.

Yeah, I had that reaction when I first started dating. I met a guy who I liked. On the third date, he told me that I satisfied everything that he was looking for in a girl and that he didn't want to date anyone else. He said he was taking his profile down, and wanted to be exclusive. That's the exact same thing that my ex did, on the third date. When my ex did it, I loved it. It made me feel special. I loved that I didn't have to analyze "does he like me or not." But when this guy did it, I hated it. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. And then I met current guy, and he went slow. And I liked slow. So I kept seeing him. And now I'm feeling disappointed because he's not doing the same stuff that scared me with the other guy. I'm confusing myself on what I want.

I've been thinking a lot about current guy too. He's coming over tonight, and we are doing dinner. I'm always very happy when I'm with him. We talk constantly, and have fun together. All of our dates have consisted of dinner and drinks though. Nothing like a movie or bowling. And we haven't had any serious talks yet. I don't know his views on marriage, don't know if he's religious, don't know his political views. All of our interactions are light and flirty. He also doesn't say anything affectionate to me. When I first met him, he would say how sweet and nice I was. But that hasn't been said in over a month. He assumed that we were boyfriend/girlfriend instead of asking me. He doesn't say I'm pretty or anything like that. He used to say that I was smart cause of my job, but even that has dropped off the last month. When I was on my cruise, I would text him a picture of me dressed up every night. My ex would say something like "wow you're so pretty" if I texted him a picture. Current guy didn't give me any compliments. He would remark on something else in the picture, like the casino.

I think maybe when I started dating, I got scared if a guy was overly attentive like my ex was because my IC said it was a red flag. So I avoided men like that. And now new guy isn't meeting my needs. So I need to figure out what I actually want. How much attention I need, but how to find that attention in healthy ways.

He always told me that I was better than him, and that he didn't deserve me

HUGE red flag. He was saying it because it was true.

Also him not respecting your space. That is just not acceptable. I swear I thought I had to explain to my exh how a cell phone worked, that I would see the missed call.

The new guy seems dismissive of you and holding you at arm's length. You text him a photo of you and he texts back something about the casino?? UGH!

It's possible for a guy to really like you AND not go crazy on you. It happens!

A good article on 'love bombing', here it's called 'Fast Forwarding':

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/fast-forwarding-when-someone-speeds-you-through-dating/

It's possible for a guy to really like you AND not go crazy on you. It happens!

Yeah, I think this is where I'm stuck at. I'd rather be with someone who is less attentive but faithful and not crazy.

I saw new guy Friday for dinner, and it was great. We talked like crazy as usual. We ran into my friends, and he talked to them. He was always holding my hand, and being attentive. I felt good about it. And then he left Saturday morning, and I felt insecure again. Went kayaking with my friends, and we saw wild horses. Texted him a picture of me running in front of it, and got no response. If I had texted that to my ex, he would have responded saying how hot I was or something. Talked a little to new guy through text later that night, and then he just stopped responding without saying goodnight or anything. Which I know he had to work last night, so understandable. But still just had me feeling disappointed.

It's so good when we are physically together. I think I'm worried that my disappointment when we're apart is more from my own insecurities than it is from anything he's doing.

I went to dinner with my friends last night too, and one of the girl's boyfriends was there. He's met new guy once, for about 5 minutes. He was giving me a hard time last night about texting new guy, and saying that I could do so much better. He said "you're an attorney and look like that, you can do much better." He doesn't even really know him though, so I'm not sure what he's judging him on.

I've had the conversation in my head where I end it, and I think it would be hard. Because we have so much fun when we're together. We talk constantly, and I love that. My ex would go to dinner, eat, and be ready to leave. Dinner is usually 2-3 hours with new guy because we talk so much. He makes me feel special when I'm with him. Friday night he was talking about taking a vacation together in the future. I told him I was considering doing a trip with a female friend, and he asked me to go with him instead of her. So things like that make me think that he does really like me. But then I feel insecure when we're apart. And I wonder if I'm being needy for the attention that my ex gave me. But that attention was fake and not real and didn't mean anything.

Captain Dickbag love bombed me. I got an ILY at the three week marker. Of course, now I know it was his way out of a bad life situation so it all makes sense.

New guy is not like that. And I am glad.