SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know how to interpret this:

My ww gave me a letter yesterday letting me know that she has found an apartment and plans to move next week. Here are the main points:

Feels that this is a neccesary step if we are going to have any chance of R.

That is to string you along.

She is sick of my spying on her and asking her questions when she is out late.

Deflection at its best. This way, your 13 year old won't be able to ask her either.

She needs to step away and does not want to feel angry anymore.

She does not want to answer for her poor behavior.

She does not want us to communicate about our R for 30 days. Basically, only communicate about the kids or business by text or email.

Again, the "leave me alone" excuse.

Cannot go back to the M for the wrong reasons, fear, security, finances, history.

But it was okay to use you and the marriage for the wrong reasons.

She needs to feel what life would be like without me.

She has been doing this for over the last half a year.

She will not be dating and is not doing this to be with other men in any way.

To rephrase: She WILL BE dating and IS DOING THIS to be with other men in any way.

She plans on hibernating, thinking, grieving, processing and healing.

She plans to do the EXACT OPPOSITE.

Doing this makes everything real. It is bringing up emotions that have been buried and that is a good thing.

The only good thing is that no one will be in her direct presence to make her feel guilty.

Wants to start the new year either all in or all out.

She already has the "all out" down pat. How will not facing reality convince her otherwise?

Onguard, I wish I knew what to say to you to get you out of this abyss. All I can say, is that I believe 100% that there are much, much happier days for you ahead---without your WW in your life. You just need to take those first steps that you KNOW that you have to take.

The sad part is, you really have very little to lose, and almost everything to gain. You just have to believe it yourself. Listen to jobin. Listen to Happyman. Take that first step.

Onguard

Jb3199 just dissected her letter to you perfectly. Based on what you have written, here are the facts

(1) she cheated on you with gym instructor and you caught her

(2) she put you through false R and never told you the truth

(3) she got drunk or something and spilled the beans, telling you not only did she love fucking him but that she did it in your house and would do it again in a miunte if she could.

(4) she has spent the last five months going out with her younger friends and probably banging other men and coming home all hours of the night. As a side not, if she had a job and was not living off your hard work maybe she might need more sleep.

(5) she is moving out because she does not want you spying or asking questions.

The only good thing here is that by her moving out you will not have to watch her daily enjoying her social life. That should help you but if you believe any of the other shit she has told you, please reevaluate your interpretation of her words.

It seemed like the other day you had finally reached the point where you might act. Please for your sanity do it and take some control of your life back. She is not coming back to reality and until she gets whacked with some real consequences she will love her life. Right now, it appears she will now have her own private pad that you are paying for to entertain her friends. Believe me, by now from her actions it is a lot more than the spinning instructor she is having sex with.

You have nothing to lose by playing some hardball here and you will feel better and regain your dignity. Pull the D trigger buddy. You,be got to do it. Tell yourself no more pain!

Onguard,

I feel for you, I was there a few months ago. Living in the same house. I now live on my own and LOVE it. No stress, time for myself, meeting new people. I am here to tell you there is life after an affair. You will meet other people. Do you have a good support network---family, friends? You must do the 180 and keep it up--for your own sanity. Totally detach. Spent time doing things you didn't get to do while you were married. Go golf more, hike, whatever you want. Take care of yourself right now and just know things will get better. I've probably heard that from 50 people by now but if they're all saying it there must be truth to it. And I now know it's true--although the affair was soul crushing two months ago for me, my life has moved forward in so many better ways. Good luck to you in your journey through and know you DO have the strength to make it to solid footing in the end. This too shall pass and you can do it.

Onguard,

Read Post by Shocked he just sent . That can be you!!!!

You can do it!!

Put your football helmet on and start to play "smash mouth" football. You will feel better

Onguard

Your wife is a liar. Why would you believe what is in her letter?

Give her a letter io her own.

It contains one thing in it. A date and time at your lawyers office to work out the details of the divorce.

Read "TheWrongedMans" thread. You will see his journey to fathom what his wife did, why she did it and her own self destructiveness.

Then read about his new life since she left.

It will inspire you to act.

And for Gods sake tell your daughter the truth. The kid will break her heart trying to fix your marriage. Tell her whom her mother has become.

Treat the kid like a 13 year old.

HM

Onguard I recommend you talk to your attorney again and prepare for a difficult D. More importantly than that you need to accept that D is the only option with the WW you have now. You do not have a WW who wants R because you do not have a remorseful WW. You have a cake-eater who wants to keep you as plan B. So quite simply you need to focus solely on the person you have in front of you. Not the person she used to be or the one you hope she becomes.

Be prepared when it comes to D that any hostility or resistance may be about how it affects her and not about losing you. It's not uncommon for BS to wonder or even hope the reality of D will wake up their WS. Unfortunately those stories are very rare indeed. Truth is we hope for the exception but find out the hard way why it is called the exception when we live the "rule".

Don't mean to harsh. Just want to prepare you.

I am meeting with my attorney on Monday to get the ball rolling. It's going to be a fairly complex process since we have business interests together where I am the personal guarantor on a number of commitments. But as unpleasant as this is going to be I know that there is no other option.

She was packing a couple of boxes yesterday and I asked her to make a list of household items she was taking so I could replace them. She snapped back at me that she won't be taking anything I would need. Then she said to me that the only reason this was happening was because I would not "give her 30 days to herself to soul search without any pressure." Meaning, she wanted me to leave. Which is NOT going to happen. I reminded her that she brought another man into our home, twice, then bragged about it to my son's girlfriend. If she needs space then she should go find it, not me. To which she replied that I should stop trying to make her feel guilty because she does not and will never feel guilty about her affair. "I was miserable and neglected and you didn't care. Someone else showed me attention and I did what any person would do."

I cannot argue with her feelings. They are what they are. But I told her that I had no clue she was miserable and that there is no justification for inflicting the trauma of infidelity on another human being. Especially in such a disgusting manner by making my home a crime scene. I said maybe one day you will understand the pain you have caused me.

I know how horrible this is and how horrible it feels. I miss the way we were (or the way I thought we were) for all of those years. She says she was miserable.. Then explain why we have about 2000 pictures of you over the past 10 years laughing your ass off with me and the kids?? You live in a beautiful home, you drive a luxury suv, you work part time, from home on a family business that I funded, you work out 6 days a week, you go on at least 3 sick vacations a year, you have no financial worries at all. But you were miserable? I get that money is not what is most important in life and I know I could have done many things differently but for her to do what she did is unforgivable. It just kills me that we live in a no fault state. I understand splitting the marital assets 50-50 and of course child support but the issue of spousal support is what makes me want to puke.

Why don't I feel hate for her? I still feel more sadness, by far, than anger. I keep waiting for the anger to kick in. I have moments of anger and resolve but then I see something that reminds me of the past and my heart sinks. It's not that I want the woman she is today, because I don't. It's that I want what I had. Peace, security, love, family, companionship. She has become a monster, I need to keep that in the front of my mind. She is my enemy, not my wife.

What you have to keep most in your mind is that she is not your friend.

If she was so unhappy or just wanted to screw around so she could feel "love" and "validation" then all she had to do was ask you for a divorce.

Or better yet just hand you divorce papers.

Her actions are hurtful.

Her recent comments regarding her affair are despicable.

That is why she really needs to leave.

I am all for reconciliation but only for a spouse that truly wants it. That is remorseful.

Your wife is neither.

Cut her loose, have her served or set the date for a joint meeting at your attorneys to end the marriage as amicably as possible.

Those are the consequences your wife needs.

Sure it kills you to finance her new single lifestyle.

But having her with you while being so disrespectful and hurtful towards you is worse.

HM

Thanks HM, as well as all of you who have taken the time to support me. Btw, I cannot find "thewrongedmans" thread. I cant figure out how to search for posts by a specific user.??

It is scary how accurate all of the initial responses were to my situation. I first posted in early June and the initial replies were all about how she was lying, checked out, wanted om still and told me to take action NOW. My thoughts were "This website just has some extremist BS who received the worst of the worst treatment by their WS's." In hindsight, the initial responses were too conservative in my case! I was in total denial that it could happen to me.

I guess that's what trauma is. It is a shock to your system and it takes a while to accept the reality. In my case, a really long while.

TheWrongedMan

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=519122

Broken, self-destructive people are never more unhappy than when they are in a stable situation. Mature relationships without drama do not feed their brokenness and dysfunctional needs are unwanted. Why this comes out of some people when it does I could not say.

Not engaging is best otherwise you could tell her "I gave you the love and attention that a man gives a woman who is his wife. Sorry, but I didn't know you were craving the adolescent infatuation an immature boy in a man's body would give you."

Your feeling sad for her is natural. Honestly it's what I feel for my xww the rare moments I am reminded of the person she was and still is. Most of the time I do not think of her at all. Not even randomly anymore. Someone else has to remind of her.

Well, the timeline she gave me for her moving out has come and gone and she is still here. She has decided to delay her move until 12-1. She again tried to use my D13 as leverage for me to move out instead. And again I told her no chance in hell. I am still scheduled to meet with my attorney tomorrow and I have been gathering all of my financial info. Which really sucks.

She asked me if my S20 and I would like to join her and her parents for Thanksgiving dinner. In order to make it easier on our D13. I declined but I am really undecided on what the right thing to do is. On one hand, she is a lying, cheating, wayward who I am planning on divorcing. On the other hand she is the mother of my children. It would be really uncomfortable and fake if I attended. I have tried to do things together over the past few months and it has not worked well at all. I need to detach from her as much as possible for my own sanity.

Onguard, dude, I hear sad, terrible and every negative word there is, you've probably written down in this thread.

I hate using this word but I will, congratulations on getting your b*lls back!

All those negative words are due to one person and one person alone, your wife. Toxic people need other people to lay their nonsense on, it makes them feel good, gives them a sense of worth.

Her self worth is solely through hurting you now. She needs a reason for why she is and the things that she does.

From your first post to here, you have grown. You did it at your own pace because you needed to come to the realisation yourself that, this was not on you but all on her. You've grown while she's still at the same place, will probably remain with all those issues she's carrying around and take it to her next relationship and poison that too.

Once you've removed this giant negative influence from your life, all those negative words start to get turned into positives.

Each step to freedom is a massive win for you and your kid. A win for your life. You are winning period! That for one is a massive positive!

I took some action this week. I met with my lawyer, took half of the money from our main checking account, shut down her credit cards and changed my direct deposit instructions. Of course when she found out she snapped at me and threatened to make the D long and painful. She has also decided to delay her move again. This time until after Christmas. She has been acting very angry and hostile towards me over the past few days. I think she was hoping that I would cave in and offer to move out. And when that didnt happen she was not very pleased.

I also know that she is planning on meeting with a couple of attorneys this week. I am surprised that she doesnt already have one lined up. I am trying to detach and keep my focus on the fact that I only have one option and that is D. Over the last couple of days I have started to see her in a different light. I see her as a genuine enemy. I am seeing more of the woman she IS NOW and less of the woman I knew for 30 years.

Hi.

Some advice for you - http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220

It's great that you've been taking action!

Best wishes

threatened to make the D long and painful.

Maybe you should buy a voice-activated recorder to protect yourself from false accusations.

She has also decided to delay her move again. This time until after Christmas. She has been acting very angry and hostile towards me over the past few days. I think she was hoping that I would cave in and offer to move out. And when that didnt happen she was not very pleased. I also know that she is planning on meeting with a couple of attorneys this week. I am surprised that she doesnt already have one lined up.

I don't think she wants to divorce. She was happy living the single life, with you there to support her lifestyle. Why does she need a divorce if she can live the single life while still married? If she ever does meet a guy she wants to get serious with, then she can get around to divorcing. Meantime, a divorce has no benefit for her. The only drawback was that you still were in the house. Making a false accusation might get you out of the house, but also might impact her lifestyle financially. Now, with you having filed and started the financial separation, maybe making a false accusation to get you out of the house might start to look better to her. Hence my advice of considering a voice-activated recorder.

she replied that I should stop trying to make her feel guilty because she does not and will never feel guilty about her affair. "I was miserable and neglected and you didn't care. Someone else showed me attention and I did what any person would do."

She is not coming up with this stuff completely on her own. She is out to 3-4 am, she is hanging out with the daytime losers at the gym, and they are feeding her some of this stuff, or at least giving her what I call the "you go, girl!" treatment. Yessing her, telling her what she wants to hear. Likely they've told her that she will automatically get the house and you will automatically pay for everything, something more than a few cheating wives I've read about on these forums thought would happen. These same a-hole buddies of hers might very well start planting the seed of false accusation in her ear. Please protect yourself.

Of course when she found out she snapped at me and threatened to make the D long and painful. She has also decided to delay her move again. This time until after Christmas. She has been acting very angry and hostile towards me over the past few days. I think she was hoping that I would cave in and offer to move out. And when that didnt happen she was not very pleased.

Because this is very much about power. She has been *in control* of her life since her wayward behavior was introduced, and she does not like being challenged. Part of this is due to her skewed mindset; part of this due to her refusal to look in the mirror. Either way, her choices...and reasonings...are unhealthy.

The sad part is that you are really left with no option than the path that you are following. But the silver lining in this is that there is happiness down the road. You will not have to live in this state forever. You may not see this today, but take it from many others here---there are better days ahead.

You just have to believe it.

On guard

Communicate with your wife. Keep it simple.

"I love you but I no longer wish to be associated with your infidelity.

I love our children but they have been hurt by your infidelity as much as I have.

I am asking you to stop being so selfish. To ask you to stop only thinking of yourself.

Please consider our children and their futures when you threaten me with a long, hurtful divorce.

Haven't you hurt us enough already?

What I propose is a fair, amicable divorce. One that we do together with an attorney. We do it this way so that we both split fairly all equity and debt. So we do not burn thousands on legal fees.

What I propose is fair. All I ask us that you think about it.

Please stop hurting our family."

Try that and see if that message penetrates her selfish brain.

Do your inlaws know about her affair?

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 9:42 AM, November 30th (Sunday)]

Thanks for the responses. Hobbes, I had seen your post earlier in the divorce section, very helpful! wk55, My attorney also warned me that she may try to have me arrested or removed from the home. 6 months ago I would have laughed but now I take it very seriously. I have a var and I also turn on the voice memo app on my phone whenever she comes around.

HM, my in-laws are aware of the affair. My FIL is fairly supportive of me but my MIL is not. FIL cheated on MIL 25 years ago and their relationship has never been good again. That's why MIL tells my ww that no relationship can heal from this and its better to go our separate ways. Also, Those are some very good word tracks and I will use them as the situation develops. My strategy for now is to ignore her as much as possible. She went out again last night,( supposedly with her parents) and came home later than 1am ( thats when i fell asleep). But I asked her nothing all day. I need to keep telling myself that the woman i knew and loved is gone. This is a new person who I don't want in my life.

Don't feel like you just have to say those word tracks.

Reinforce each conversation in writing or a text.

Then your message might sink in.

So sad that your WW became her father. But is likely following her mothers advice......