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Dear all WSs (and any insight from others):

I am asking something with all sincerity. What should I have expected for my wedding anniversary the year after infidelity? WH cheated on me last year when I was 7 months pregnant, and within weeks of our anniversary. He broke things off with her and I found out about the affair right before our anniversary. We still "celebrated" but he then lied to me about ANOTHER girl the day of our anniversary when I pointedly asked him about it. SOOOO, I was really thinking THIS year he would do something extra thoughtful to kind of make up for things. That was hoping for too much apparently. Instead I got some discounted earrings handed to me wrapped in a paper towel. We went out to dinner, but DH insisted that we go immediately after a trip to Home Depot to save time and get our 11 month home to put him in bed. So I went to dinner without having had a shower, wearing dirty tennis shoes, and the clothes I had worn to the dog park earlier that day. Am I over-reacting? I just feel strongly that I deserved to be romanced, just a little. I am not a demanding person. Dinner AFTER I had showered and a gift actually wrapped in paper would have been a great start. I just don’t really feel valued or loved. So again, what could I/should I have expected?? What did you do for your anniversary after your affair (assuming you still celebrated)?

I am so sorry your husband was so self-involved he failed to acknowledge the importance of the day and your wonderful gift of R.

Are you able to talk to him about this? Can you explain to him how you feel and what his lack-luster attitude does to you now?

How else has he handled R? Are the 2 of you healing and working towards a better marriage? Does he just suck at special occasions or is he failing in R?

If he is working towards R I would let him know what I need and once you have told him give him the time and opportunity to come through.

You deserve much more, (((hugs)))

Hello Preggo,

I am 4 years from Dday. Tomorrow actually is the 4 year anniversary. Woo hoo!!! Our anniversary is on the 13th of this month.

The first year (3 days after dday)he gave me a card. i told him he could shove his card.

The next year I got nothing. LOL.

The third year he brought home flowers. And i believe he cooked me supper.

This year? You know Preggo, I dont even want to celebrate it. It makes me so sad now. I dont know what i'd be celebrating. Really.

Instead, my celebration is going to be tomorrow on dday. I'm going to buy myself flowers (who ra!!) and a bottle of wine :) I will be celebrating my freedom from deceit and betrayal. I have learned to enjoy dday.

I to would have loved and expected some extra attention and specialness put into the First anniversary (second really for me, first was too soon after dday), but it didnt happen. So I've let it go. It really is not important to me anymore.

Maybe you could set up a date night instead? The two of you? Get a sitter, dress nicely, have some fun, just do what you want? Not even to celebrate your anniversary, but just to celebrate the fact that you've made it this far?

Hugs Preggo,,,,,,,,

Our first and only anniversary was 3 days prior to me catching them.

I did not do anything, we had a dinner booked which was cancelled.

Why celebrate it?

Is it worth celebrating anymore?

Ugh! I am dreading this year. I found out last year ON my 18th anniversary so I have said repeatedly that I am cannot celebrate it and am not sure actually how I am going to get through it at all. But, I would have expected a little extra effort for the first year if I were in a different situation. I can understand that you were disappointed. Did the two of you tai about it before hand? Have you shared your disappointment that the two of you did not do something extra special this day? Maybe if you explain that you would like to feel from him that you are worth the effort to go out of his way and since it was made to be almost an after thought type evening, you feel like there is a message there. How is he doing with R in normal, everyday life?

Well, I think that is ridiculous, of course.

That said.

Has he done big things for you in the past on birthdays, holidays, etc? If not, there is a whole nother learning curve he needs to work on.

When working on reconciling, I found leaving any of these things to chance was a major mistake. It is likely your relationship suffers from communication problems. Therefore, it is critical to discuss these things ahead of time. Clearly lay out your expectations. Even if your expectation is "I expect you to surprise me with something awesome", it is still clearly communicated.

Don't leave these things to chance. Work them out ahead of time as part of your new relationshiop.

Our 10 year was a month and 5 days after d day. He bought a nice dinner and we cooked at home with the kids. He gave me a card and flowers. Anything more than that would have been too much. I was very clear on that.

Did you make your feelings known? Did you tell him you wanted to shower and change? Did you mention that you didn't want to run errands? It is not up to our WSs to read our minds. We have to make our desires known. A quote that helps me is 'expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments'. I don't know what your WH was thinking, but does he know what you were thinking?

Another BS answering...

I think every WS should ask her BS how the BS wants to mark the anniversary and work with the BS to make that happen.

If you want to R, what gift could possibly make up for betraying you? Working together to make the anniversary as good as it can be will help R along. (For me, our first post-D-day anniversary meant a low-key dinner out arranged by and paid for by my W. She wanted more of a celebration than that, but I sure didn't. Oh, yeah. She totally surprised me with flowers, which I really liked and which really moved me. )

Of course, if you want to D, the bigger the gift, the better, as long as the WS pays for it cash. I see that as a nice transfer of assets from the WS to the BS....

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:56 PM, June 9th (Monday)]

Thanks all. I emailed him to let him know how I feel, sometimes email is the only way we can really communicate. Below is my email and his response. That said, the R on the day to day is rough. Last year he straight up forgot my birthday, did nothing for me. That really sucked. Since then it's been pretty much "everything is back to normal." It doesn't feel like he's really made strides. We haven't even done counseling, although to be fair I don't know how we would. We are flat broke and we work slightly different shifts, and I'm gone 50 hours a week. Boo. So I don't know. But evidently I am not the only one who has had a crappy experience with wedding anniversaries!

My email to him: I gotta tell you, I was a bit disappointed with the anniversary. Considering everything that happened last year I was kind of hoping for a bit more. Nothing fancy, but maybe at the very least dinner after I had taken a shower with nice clothes on. It just kind of felt like you were shooting from the hip and hadn’t put much thought or effort into anything. Part of the reason I say that is because when we were first together you did do those kinds of things…get me flowers for no reason, write me incredible birthday cards, get dressed up and take me somewhere nice. None of that seems to happen anymore. It just makes me question whether or not you really feel that kind of commitment and affection. I guess I was hoping for a little romancing and it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

I’m not trying to put you on the defensive, I just figure I should tell you how I feel.

I hope your day is going well, and that you get some good work done on your resume.

Love you too.

His reply to me:

I can understand why you feel that way. I kind of did too. It's really hard to do those things when we have to plan everything around J's [our baby] schedule. For instance, on Saturday after we went to Home Depot if we had gone home for you to shower and change and for me to change by the time we got back to Gustav's it would have been J's bed time. We could have kept him up later but how would he behave? Would he have made it difficult to enjoy? That's what I was worried about. I would love to have the time to be able to do those things but it's so much harder now. I was going to ask if Stephanie's daughter could watch J for a while for us to go out but they were going on a camping trip.

It kind of sucks because I feel like you got shortchanged. I felt bad about it even though you didn't say anything. All my spare time, which isn't much, is spent working on getting a new job. Then I had to work Saturday so that took a lit of time out of the day to plan something with J's schedule.

How about I take you somewhere this weekend? An apology lunch or dinner. We can plan on it so you can be showered and ready to go when we need to based on Jude's sleep schedule. We'll dress nice and eat something good.

The place I want to go is only open for dinner though. Maybe we can work that out with the J Bug.

Thanks for telling me but I already knew. I feel so rushed and like time is flying. All these dates (birthday, mother's day, anniversary) came up SO fast. All I want to do is spend time with you and Jude and weekends are spent doing so many chores it's hard to enjoy it. I feel like I hardly spent any time with J this weekend.

Sorry for being a shitty husband : ( I'm just trying to get everything done and I'm not doing such a good job.

Well, I think that is ridiculous, of course.

^ Agreed

I think every WS should ask her BS how the BS wants to mark the anniversary and work with the BS to make that happen.

^ Spot on - it's up to each couple to determine their traditions. My wife and I never really celebrated too much before, but we do now, even if it's just a little bit

Instead, my celebration is going to be tomorrow on dday. I'm going to buy myself flowers (who ra!!) and a bottle of wine :) I will be celebrating my freedom from deceit and betrayal. I have learned to enjoy dday.

^ I think this is something to focus on - my wife and I will be 3 years out from Dday this year. Last year, we did celebrate. It's just a different type of celebration.

Now, instead of celebrating the first night we met, or the day we got married (still important, to be sure), now we celebrate the fact that we are still together - that we have survived (thus far) what is most likely the most difficult challenge a marriage could possibly face.

We faced the challenge and instead of letting go of everything we've built (that I destroyed), we held on and made it.

I know that sounds cliche, but it helps me a lot of times.

Cross-posted as you were pasting the email Preggo.

I totally understand why you feel the way you do, and I don't know your H, but his response reads sincerely to me, and that he tried to do something but it fell short.

The fact that he is actively trying to make it up to you instead of asking "how can I make it up to you" screams sincerity - but again, just to me.

I think (personally) you can take some little comfort in knowing your H is trying, but may fail sometimes.

Best of luck to you both - and Happy Anniversary!

I agree. I think he is sincere. And it does make me feel a bit better. I'm just in the down swing right now for some reason. I mean, he almost terminated our marriage last year. We came within a hairs breadth of spliting up. Ever since then I just feel like I am on the precipice. And that isn't something I want for my infant son. I know I will hit the up swing here again. Any other thoughts for me ya'll?

So how does his response fly with you? Personally, I'm not all that impressed. Those holidays don't come up fast. They are the same every year. When one is busy, one goes out of their way to plan even further ahead. If you are willing to have a babysitter, it is easy to arrange that weeks in advance. Same with wrapping a gift.

His efforts were half assed and not thought out. It seems like he is TRYING to be accountable for that, but he really isn't. There are a lot of excuses. After a betrayal of this magnitude, there's really no margin for error.

As an aside, have you read The Five Love Languages? It may help.

FWW here.

Everything Rebreather just said. Unless he was in a coma in the hospital, there is no excuse for dropping the ball. He had a year from the last anniversary to plan something. He didnt. And he's doing his best to cover up his severe lack of care and concern for you.

Fail.

Hi Preggo,

I agree that your H's response was sincere. totally get trying to get through a dinner on baby's sked wondering all the while if you are going to make it through!

Since you asked if there were any other suggestions, I would suggest that before the next big celebration, you guys talk about it at least 3-7 days in advance. Give yourselves enough time to think about it and come up with a Plan A and then a Plan B. There is always lunch dates now too - if possible - maybe a good sitter or another Mom who can mind your little guy for a couple hours while he naps.

Finally, When something doesn't feel right to me now, I just say it, "This doesn't feel right." I have learned how to speak up bc of all this.

A silver lining I guess.

I agreed with Rebreather.

He's had an entire year to plan something special. His email sounds like this anniversary was sprung on him at the last minute so he just did the best he could. Bullshit. I understand a baby makes planning more difficult. If a sitter isn't a possibility, then he could have told you to go shower and get dressed up,taken care of the baby while you did that.Then he could have taken you both to dinner...be it an early dinner..or lunch.

I'm not impressed with the email either.

You have a baby..that is at least 18 more years of working around your child's schedule. It takes some planning...and some forethought...but it can be done. And he needs to figure it out.

One more thing - the earrings.... ok, so they were discounted but they can still be nice. Wrapped in paper towel? Not really acceptable.

I have had one year to think about Father's Day which is coming up on Sunday but I haven't. My H gave me one of the most beautiful Mother's Day gifts in May that took him many hours to pull off. I know he put in some time thinking about it and then more time in how to get it done. He certainly didn't think about it for 365 days though. I'm okay with that.

Keep talking. Let him know how you feel. He is not a mind reader but he can learn from this and so can you.

Good luck to you both!

LA, I don't think anyone is realistically saying he should plan on a gesture all year. But like the above posters said, this is an annual thing. It wasn't like they had a date, something came up, and they had to modge podge something together last minute to continue to make it work. Holidays and anniversaries are a continual thing. There is no excuse.

The WS has to be willing to out for extra effort, above and beyond, for the BS. Especially post Dday. Not wing it, have it fall flat, then send a "whoopsie" email when called out.

I've been at this for many years. The X and I were together for almost 40 years. In the early years, I was passive/aggressive. I expected romance from a guy who doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, but I never communicated this to him. Then I'd sulk or worse, get very angry when he didn't come through. It took me a long time to learn to ask for what I want and to not expect what he couldn't deliver. You didn't answer the question, but I'm betting he was not a grand gesture type of person pre-A either.

As far as the paper towel wrapping paper, my gifts often used to come wrapped in a towel One time it was wrapped in an old carpet (skis) They were almost always thoughtful, wonderful gifts, but the delivery left a lot to be desired. That was just him. (In his defense, one of the presents was a pair of lovebirds. No way they could have been wrapped in pretty paper )

Speak up when you want something. The Love Languages book is a great tool for both of you. You don't have to demand. Having a frank talk (or talks) long before events is a good way to see if you can both get on the same page.

FWIW, the holidays 'sneaking up' on him happened during the A. It was a clue that I missed in the early stages. Your WH may still be stuck in that mode, even if he is not cheating. Talk about it.

We have celebrated 2 anniversaries since dday ...both times we planned a great meal at home...no gifts just cards...we also went away for the night on the 1 year after dday....will do the same this year...I look at that day as the day I got my marriage back....

plan something during little 'j's' nap or bed time...sometimes just sitting watching a movie and holding hands can start that reconnection....

from dday on I started sitting next to my H every evening watching Tv....it is those little things that got put on the back burner...

communication...connection these are so very important with R.....