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I made up some minor "problems" in the marriage and just talked about them with everyone. AP latched on to them and I had my validation. I'm not blaming BH or AP, I made a lot a bad decisions every step of the way. AP was making me feel good by "validating" my feelings over our "problems". But then he stopped and I sought more and fell into the PA. At the time I was in a semi fog. I loved myself and I can say I never loved AP. The sex was to keep him coming back and giving me what I needed.

^^^This is an accomplishment. Realizing the truth of your actions, and seeing how false your justifications were, is a necessary step.

[This message edited by somethingremorse at 10:35 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

Its kind of funny, it doesn't feel like I've accomplished anything. But I guess and do see it a little.

It may be a while before you "see" your changes.

Either way keep working, on you for you, and you will change. You will see, and feel the changes.

I see it as a journey with no real destination. You will get healthier. You will feel better. Your relationships will change for the better.

But for me I see no arrival point.

As I keep working on me, the more progress I make the more things pop up to deal with, but I'm far better equipped now to deal with them.

And get the AP out of your life, that man sounds scary...

BIG hugs SS17.

you don't have to apologize every time you have a meltdown here. Here is where you have the meltdowns. It is ok.

THIS!!! You are safe here. Even when we swing 2x4's, you are still safe here.

I really relate to what you said about creating "problems" to get attention -- I did the same thing in my wayward days. Admitting it is a huge step forward. Next is figuring out *why* you sought attention so much that you'd create these "problems" to gain sympathy.

Are you and your kids safe in your home from the AP? Didn't he show up once before drunk in the middle of the night, tearing up your lawn with his car? Why is he not in jail right now?

Congratulations on your moving forward, however slow it seems.

When you are thinking about when your bad coping patterns started, one thing you might want to investigate is overindulgence by your parents. Parents may think they are supporting you, but leave you being, and feeling, incompetent. In terms of results, this can be as harmful as abusive or neglectful parenting. I experienced some of this myself, and I know it plays into my sense of fear and helplessness.

One source you can check out is www.overindulgence.info. There is a book on the website, How Much is Too Much? which is described as giving advice on how to raise children to be responsible adults, as well as information for those who were raised by overindulgent parents themselves. I have not read that book, but have read other books by Jean Illsley Clarke, as well as meeting her, and have the very highest opinion of her clear thinking and careful, practical, caring approach to complex issues.

You are just beginning to uncover your layers of whys. Please try to take each new discovery as a positive, and opportunity to learn something new, not just as another reason to beat yourself up. I know how hard that is to do - sometimes I think I will never get to the end of the ways I disregard and don't understand others' feelings - especially my BH's. But whether I can get to the end or not, I can continue to add more and more positive traits to whatever I already possess. And others will benefit from those traits.

All my best.

walktheline, he was jailed for a while but was out on bail. I've not had any contact with AP for a few weeks. I have changed all of my numbers and closed all social media. I closed all but one (new) email, which he thankfully doesn't have.

I wish I had never known this man. I introduced this crazy to my family. That is pretty damn stupid and just one more thing I'm sorry about. I almost can't believe the damage I have done to so many people.

Hugs to you SS17. This is really hard. Every day there's another gut punch of realization of what you've done, who you are, all the cascading damage and pain - and all you can do is take it in, acknowledge each new revelation, process it when you're able, and start to rebuild.

I honestly don't think we can change until we spend some time feeling this way. Personally I think it's ok to experience this pain for a time, then pick yourself up and see what change and improvement those revelations and feelings can motivate. I can't remember if you said you're in IC? This would be the perfect time to have someone who can help you keep to the path through the dark woods, develop healthy coping skills and envision the place you want to be when you emerge.

Make some changes for you. No ulterior motives. Nothing for you to say "hey swat look at me changing". Just do it. Live it and learn to love it.

^^ like this.

[This message edited by circe at 7:45 AM, June 13th (Friday)]