SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think that allot of us BS think about having a RA at some time or the other. We are in pain and our instinct is to strike back. Its completely understandable.

The sticky point is that we all say that WE are not responsible for our WS choosing to cheat. Thats true right?

So a RA then is you saying that your WS would be responsible for you choosing to have your RA. Right? This is no different than when your WS blames you for their cheating.

Do you see how that doesnt add up?

A affair is a affair. The *R* has nothing to do with it. If you choose to cheat on your spouse then see it for what it is. Revenge has nothing to do with it. You are choosing to cheat for pretty much the same reasons as your WS chose to cheat.

There is IMO no difference.

I have good friends who have suggested a revenge affair for me as a way heal.

So, I think there are likely a lot of people out there who will not judge you harshly.

Of course there are a lot of people who will, but who cares. Do what YOU need to do to heal.

I know this was a couple weeks and pages back, but the fundamental flaw in this is pure self interest, and that is why it is wayward thinking and why a "revenge" affair is just an affair with [insert justification here].

There isn't a BS on this site that doesn't know the pain of betrayal and desire to escape it. That is why we are here to support each other.

The idea that cheating is okay under certain circumstances - re: evening the odds, escaping the pain, etc - is no different from what started the whole mess in the first place. The WS wanted something, for whatever reason, and took it, damned be the rules and the feelings of anyone else involved. Some WS are hurting and miserable, some are angry, some feel cheated and want to 'get theirs' and some are just plain fucking stupid or locked into tunnel vision that makes the goal seem more and more okay.

Like Razor says, you make this about your WS, that validates their behavior. You want to promote the idea that some moron out there thinks cheating to even the odds works out great, whatever, go for it. Those people are fucking morons, and I'd be happy to deconstruct whatever stupid ass reasons they think legitimizes the position.

When you do what you need to do to heal without regard to anyone else or without accepting responsibility for your actions, it's just the same damn thing set on repeat.

Tigris, I completely understand how u feel. Our Ddays r in a similar time frame, and I'm feeling everything u r as well. I know you have gotten a lot of strong opinions 'what to do' or more along the lines of 'what NOT to do', but I get the sense you are not necessarily looking for advice, but just to be heard.

U sound like me, and like me u are not a liar or a sneak, and no matter what thoughts or feelings are turning around in you and me, we just can't cheat.

I understand about the consequences of both staying and leaving as well. They do the deed, and WE suffer the consequences no matter how we choose to deal with it. Just not fair!

I also believe my wh would D me immediately if I cheated. For me though, I'm not even sure what he considers cheating - clearly having female friends his wife doesn't know about is not cheating to him, so would my having male friends be a deal breaker for him? Don't know, but I have been sorely tempted to obtain some male friends lately, and sorry to say but if that shocked him hurt him or makes him feel betrayed, I too would not feel remorse because maybe then he would actually understands just how it feels.

Not sure if u will see this as I am also late in replying but have been thinking about your post since u did because I really understand how u feel.

{{{Hugs}}}