SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi. haven't posted a great deal lately but to everyone who has replied to my few postings, thank you. i am too exhausted to respond appropriately; please forgive me.

my house is under contract. i co-own it with non-spouse NPD. Plan was after YEARS of uncertainty, to sell, and move back home to area i grew up. But family is not supporting me because they are turkeys, not completely, but we have an "every man for himself" family culture that is not helpful to me, obviously. I was hoping to move into a "family house" for a "while" while I figure out my next move. I am leaving my whole life here of 25 years, friends, job, doctors, the whole sha-bang. I am wounded and lost. I can have great emotional strength and I have some money but I don't want to be alone and without a rudder.

My therapist had really pushed me to approach my family about this house, as she knows getting away from bad relationship entails many things, but two of them are support and a place to go. Now that I KNOW i have no place to go... since no one is willing... turkeys....NOW 2 weeks from closing I'm looking at a map again, looking at best places to live lists, and I have NO reason to go to any of these places except "they sound nice."

My STBX is not really abusive; he's NPD for sure or nearly and i want to get away from him. And I'm under contract so getting out would be costly. But SUDDENLY it seems ridiculous to sell my lovely home and then to go live in extended stay hotels in the middle of nowhere, cuz that's where it's cheaper.

Maybe being homeless in a sense is part of my journey. My therapist is I think AGHAST that my family is not willing or able to assist me in cushioning my fall. And my mother has some light dementia i think.

Please know that I am entirely financially responsible with great credit rating, I do not do drugs or make drugs or store ammunition or run a brothel or anything. I am a good, kind, likely co-dependent person and I can talk a little too much and I am an imperfect human being but I am NOT a parasite or a pariah.

It's senseless expept that my family culture is what it is and my brother is who he is and my NPD is who he is.

Anyway, NOW i don't want to sell my lovely home and move to nowhere for no reason. Except that it's the easiest way to get rid of NPD; other than that i would have to cancel sale, pay everyone off, including NPD, and he STILL probably won't go away.

I am lost right now, so lost. I have 4 pets too and they are non-negotiable.

Except that it's the easiest way to get rid of NPD

That is good enough reason to sell IMO!

If you still have your job, then I think your best option is to find a short term rental near your work, maybe a 3 or 6 month lease. That will give you time to reassess what you want to do with your life, which is really one of the hardest things to figure out after S/D.

If your family is not supportive, do you really want to move close to them and give up the things you listed that you will leave behind? Does your mother need you as a care giver since she is getting older? Do you WANT to be her care giver? Can you live with her if that is something that you want? Or would it be better to stay where you are and strengthen your support system of friends?

I don't think I would consider moving to a brand new place with 0 support system and a million unknowns unless you really want a clean break and a fresh start. If you do, then it is a good option. But if you do not, then it probably is not the best option.

I don;t think canceling the contract for sale of your house is a good idea at this late date. You have a few weeks to make a plan, even if the plan is a temporary and short term plan. Even if the plan is to buy some time to make a plan.

HTH

((((hugs))))

<Raises hand>

I'm the one who moved, because I couldn't have afforded to keep what was the marital home by myself. Nothing wrong with what I earn, just that my credit history over here is not extensive as I'm originally from somewhere else so that could have posed a difficult in a re-fi/buyout situation.

And, being from somewhere else, I don't have any family in the US so I couldn't turn to them. STBXWW's family were my family.

I hunted for houseshares close to where I work and have a short-term arrangement in a very nice house with an owner occupier which could probably turn into something longer term if I'm that way inclined. It's cut down on my commute like you wouldn't believe and the savings in gas every month have nicely balanced against the rent. I have a lot more time to myself as well due to the shorter travel time to work, which is very nice.

Obviously, that arrangement's not going to suit everybody (no kids and no pets) but I've found that it's worked well for me so far. Financially it hasn't been that much of a problem either, and may actually be a good way to boost savings in the short term.

A house is just a big pile of wood, bricks and other man made materials. We tend to put way too much emotional stock in them. In the end its just another financial asset or liability that needs to be dealt with. For me I believe I used my home as an excuse for the fear I had about being on my own. I wanted familiar and comforting that a home brings. But it was just an excuse to delay the inevitable. And the inevitable was to begin to live the rest of my life as a D person. Perhaps its fear that making you apprehensive as well.

Are you working? Can you transfer someplace else?

I get moving to a new place away from the NPD. I was forced into it last September. I had no place to go, DD&DGD lived with me as well. We ended up living in her boyfriends home 3hours away. He was deployed till April. In march I found a townhome community and moved in. I'm still looking for work. I like being close to DD and DGD. I like exploring my new city. I especially love that I'm minutes from the beach.

It's an adjustment but a cool one to make.

Good luck,

K

thanks everyone. each one of you said something of high value that helps me a great deal to reason this out a bit more. thank you so much.

I am afraid to be 100% alone. Not afraid like of the boogeyman, but just vulnerable, needy sort of fear. My rose colored glasses are off and it is kinda of a big bad world out there, in so many ways.

I expressed some of this to my Mom tonight and she and her S.O. are going to approach my bro if Ranger's win. Can you believe my future may hang on a hockey game? Well that's not entirely true, but they're figuring a win would mean a good mood and a more receptive audience for asking if he's even willing to consider my presence (In his defense, I do come with 4 furry feet, 2 dogs, 2 cats, but the house is kinda dirty, yes maybe icky dirty; it would be cleaner with me and pets!)

I actually have a legal right to part of that house, but I'm not going to sue my family over this. other than it not being in my nature to wage that sort of fight, i'm just worn out from my NPD and the seemingly endless challenges in the escape.

It's either that house for now, or off to California where I have a friend with lots of friends, who has "invited" me numerous times, so good jumping off point.. but in any case I guess I can go to an extended stay off a highway somewhere just to get rid of NPD and then make a plan to make a plan as one of your lovely responders have said.

thank you all....

Just saw this post.

I had no place to go. At my age, I was loathe to live with my kids with an aging relative and was almost forced to.

I don't know where you're at now, but there are ways to do it.

Kids and I did find a place we could live on our own and afford though barely, while we transition and figure out what the rest of life is going to be.

X in my case is highly NPD/passive aggressive/sa and one of the best things to happen is to not share a roof with the "man" any longer.

I'm reading your post as I type, trying to get as much as I can in. My family responded a little like yours and I had a newborn. My mother, known publicly as the more generous disney parent, begged me to move to her thousands of miles away, but not in with her. My father, the one perceived as more rule oriented and frugal, offered his house to us. I was shocked.

We were able to get an apartment, which we will outgrow, but if I can get out of what I was in, I believe anyone can do it.

I am a believer that NPD is an inherited trait but can be diffused if the diffuser is as strong and willing to go against themselves and rules as the npd person is.

It changes you. You will be surprised who you become and you won't be entirely miserable later...I would bet.

I wish you well and am glad those pets have you. Mine died shortly after we moved and my father had to have his adopted.