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I am never going to send this, but I wanted to post this here. Feedback appreciated.

Dear OBS,

There are not enough words on Earth for me to say to show you absolutely sorry I am and how devastated I am for what I did to you and your family. I will regret what I did for the rest of my life. You considered me a very good friend and even though you said in the text that you sent to me that I pretended to be your friend, I never thought of it that way. I legitimately thought that I cared about you a great deal. I realized that I really couldn’t have been a friend because a friend would never hurt you in the way that I did. I thought that I loved you, but I now realized that I loved myself when I was with you because of how you made me feel. If I really loved you, I would have never hurt you in the way that I did. I do realize now that being friends with you allowed the affair to continue. I should have known better after I slept with your husband for the first time to end it immediately and never have you, me, my BH and your H meet up and go out together, therefore developing our “close friendship”. You trusted me to be with your husband alone and I violated that trust, destroying the intimacy and safety of your marriage. You allowed me to play with your children and introduced me to your family. It breaks my heart to think that your kids will have any long lasting damage due to my actions. I never wanted anyone to get hurt, especially your innocent sons. You confided things to me about your husband and shared problems that the two of you were having, which I never shared with him. I sat at your kitchen table and accepted your hospitality. I integrated my way into your life, because I felt that there were things lacking in mine and unfortunately projected onto you and your H what I thought that I wanted. I know that I have devastated your life, and I can never fix that, but I wanted to let you know from the bottom of my heart that I am deeply sorry for everything. I wish you no ill will and only want the best for you.

Sincerely,

Pizzalover

[This message edited by pizzalover at 7:19 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]

This may seem weird as I'm not "your" OBS but it gives me hope that someday my H's OW will get this. We were not close but she definitely inserted herself into our lives when she could have just as easily stayed on the sidelines.

Thank you for sharing.

No criticisms. Good for you to let out your feelings. The remorse shows. More importantly, how do you feel about it?

Its good that you didn't make it about all about yourself - And that its all about the OBS

I was the recipient of a double-betrayal. Glad to know that there is at least one OW out there who seems to care about the feelings of the friend she used and betrayed. Wish mine had been as self-aware and remorseful as you seem to be.

Oh, wow, Pizzalover. That post touched my heart. If you were here in person, I would hug you...and I'm not a hugger!

Your post really helped me. It helped me get over a hurdle I didn't know I was avoiding. I'll be honest, in the beginning, I thought of my husband's OW as subhuman. I thought she was my friend. I was dead wrong. Over the years, I just worked to put her out of my mind. Frankly, I hadn't truly thought of her in more than a year, until tonight. The last time I spoke to her, over 4 years ago, she apologized to me. I could hear the pain in her voice. She was weak, broken, and sad. I had forgotten about that, until tonight. I blocked it out, I guess. My pain was too to think of hers, I guess. Maybe I didn't believe her when she told me how sorry she was. But, now, after my pain has subsided, and my life is back in order, I can understand how her life was messed up too. Looking back on that phone call, I think she was in nearly as much pain as I was.

I agree that you shouldn't send that letter. It would not be well received-- too soon. But, someday, I hope that BW has the same blessing I had tonight, and sees that true remorse from the OW is possible.

That is great. You get it.

As for the question about sending it, that is a good one. Kind of a t/j, but I have an apology letter to my BIL. It is not time to send it to him yet, because it won't help him. He's not ready, according to what the rest of my BW's family says.

I hope that some day he will be ready. I think it could help him.

My question is this: In my situation, I may really know if the letter is right. In someone else's, they might never know if an apology letter will help or not. So do you send it, and say if it helps, that's great, but if it does not, that's OK too?

Pizza Lover,

Can I just pretend that you are my friend who betrayed me? Because I would love to get this letter. . . someday. Right now I don't have space in my heart to forgive, and keeping her at a distance makes me feel less threatened.

I did get an "apology" from the AP 3 months after dday that was all about her, and her loss, and her sense of regret. So, this is like a breath of fresh air, and I can tell that you have thought about what it meant/felt like to her. So really, you are being a better friend now than perhaps you ever were, then.

This was very healing to me, so I thank you. Peace and healing to you.

This is the letter I wish my AP had written to my BW. It wouldn't absolve me of anything but my wife deserved an apology rather than the attack she got. I don't know how we are going to get through that piece of injustice.

thanks for sharing this

With everyone else, I agree that this is a very well-done letter and it's clear that you put a lot of thought into apologizing for your specific actions. Even putting this out into the universe helps others, and I thank you for that!

If you were going to send it, I would change the last sentence. To me, "I wish you no ill will" is a phrase I'd expect to see in a forgiveness letter, not an apology letter. It struck me as discordant from the rest of your sentiments, and made me wonder, why would you wish ill will on the person you are apologizing to?

Could just be how I read it, but I wondered what the point was of including that phrase.

[This message edited by Restartting at 12:24 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

Great letter. The OW was not a friend of mine, but she knew who I was and had been friends with my XWH on FB and saw how he doted on me and now dotes on her the same way. I hope she figures it out before it's to late and she marries him. . Who knows, maybe I will get a letter like this someday but I am not counting on it.

Thank you everyone for the positive comments. It was a good feeling to read that I helped many of you (BS) in healing by reading what I wrote. I wrote it just to get my feelings out - to tell what I would like to say to her. I never thought that it would help anyone. I won't send it, but I needed a forum to share it. I don't think that she would ever want to hear from me again. She called my house over a year ago (long story) and stated in the VM that she is trying to forget about me. I wouldn't want to open up any wounds for her.

If you were going to send it, I would change the last sentence. To me, "I wish you no ill will" is a phrase I'd expect to see in a forgiveness letter, not an apology letter. It struck me as discordant from the rest of your sentiments, and made me wonder, why would you wish ill will on the person you are apologizing to?

Could just be how I read it, but I wondered what the point was of including that phrase.

I just meant that I hope she is happy in life. My choice of words wasn't the best - I understand how it could have been misconstrued.

Your story is my story. My H had an affair with our friend of over 13 years. We met because our daughters became bff's in 1st grade and all through their school years until high school. She listened to my complaints and fears about the state of my marriage and then used that information to start the affair with my H. For the 1st 6 months of the A, she was living out of state and used my home every weekend as her hotel, all the while having sex w/my H after I went to bed. I did receive an apology from her. It was fake, vague and dishonest. I wish more than anything I had gotten something as heartfelt as this from her. All she ever really cared about was she "lost" in the end and how betrayed and hurt SHE felt. This is a beautiful letter, and true remorse and pain shine through it. Thank you for sharing it; it's good to know that there are some OW out there who can see the impact of what they did.

Good luck and peace.

Why would you post this? I agree an apogie of some sort is needed. But shouldn't the first heartfelt public apology be to your husband? It's your family that matters now. Not AP's

Stillnotoverit:

The reason I posted this is that it's an issue I've been working on in therapy. I have been trying to figure out why I met the OBS and introduced my BH to my AP. I felt that I owed her an apology, even though it will never be sent. This was an important step in my healing. As for apologizing to my BH, that has been done numerous times in private. He recognizes how sorry I am and my true remorse for my actions.

I appreciate your support for my BH. I noticed that you posted on his back story post in Reconciliation. If you'd like to learn more about me, feel free to read my old posts.

To comment on part of the response to my BH's post:

You must be an incredibly strong man. I only wonder did she marry you cause AP wouldn't leave wife? I hate to seem so negative but if u do R you need to be protected.

Marrying my BH had nothing to do with my AP not wanting to leave his wife - I didn't want to leave my BH and I never would have. I understand that it doesn't make sense why I married him but I wanted (and still do) to be with him for the rest of my life. I know that my actions don't show that. The A wasn't about sex for me - it was about my neediness and emptiness, my past sexual history, issues with my FOO, attention that I so desperately needed, and other factors that I am still digging for in therapy.

ETA: And yes, my BH and my family are the #1 priority in my life.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 9:31 AM, June 16th (Monday)]

Sorry but hav followed this thread especially your husbands. Maybe I'm out of bounds but shouldn't of 1st post of a public letterbe to your husband?You still choose AP or in this case AP wife over him. I ask why.

Stillnotoverit -- I feel like she answered your question above. She is posting about something she is working through in IC and she has apologized to her husband. She also has posted 260+ other times on this site, so you might imagine that this is not the first thing she had discussed feeling remorseful about.

I'm also a BS and also have read both threads and I think pizzalover is trying to work through a specific issue here that may not be 100% related to her BS but is 100% related to her work on improving herself. Are you saying she's wrong to feel remorse for hurting AP's BW?

[This message edited by Restartting at 8:45 PM, June 16th (Monday)]

No I am not she is, (you are) correct to express remorse for the other BS. I was only trying to point out that a shout out a pubic heartfelt apology to god and everybody might hav had a dramatic profoundly positive effect on BH. He still feels he is second. Yes the women deserved the apology but he deserved it first. Not just in private but in public u both post on here, yell me he isn't feeling that? Dang after all of this shouldn't he always feel

First from now on. Maybe I'm just crazy but I see u both love each other and hope as with me it had a happy ending.

I will go out on a limb here, and know that others may disagree. A sincere, heartfelt apology is not worth much unless it is expressed to the other person. What I am saying is, send the letter to the BS. Some may say that she would not welcome it and that you would be opening a wound. But, that is not always the case. I am a BS, and always wanted to know that OW has remorse for the damage she did. If she did have remorse, I would be a little bit less disgusted with her. Unfortunately, mine has none.

I will go out on a limb here, and know that others may disagree. A sincere, heartfelt apology is not worth much unless it is expressed to the other person. What I am saying is, send the letter to the BS. Some may say that she would not welcome it and that you would be opening a wound. But, that is not always the case. I am a BS, and always wanted to know that OW has remorse for the damage she did. If she did have remorse, I would be a little bit less disgusted with her. Unfortunately, mine has none.