Dear Faith1
The second IC was wonderful. I can sit with her and be quite cogent and even laugh at the stupidity of the things they said and did with each other. I feel really myself and strong when I talk with her. She does some pretty amazing things with what I give her. I was talking about how it freaks out my logical mind that this man is no one whom I know. She said, what do you think you still know. Then she drew a circle on a whiteboard. She said, this is him; draw a circle over this to represent the part of what you think you still believe about him, and what is the deception and doubt about him that comes from the affair. I drew a circle that covered about half of the first circle. She said, okay, now in the part of the circle that you believe is what you still know about him, write down those beliefs. And I stood staring at the drawings for a long time. I realised I couldn't think of a single thing. Really. She said, do you believe he loves you? I had to think hard, because I was in that mode of how could he love if he did this in the way he did it? She suggested that if he was now engaged in the processes of R, that he may have some feeling. So, I gave him that. But still stuck. I said that the thing that popped into my head was his cowardice and his selfishness. She then asked, what did I feel about his beginning to approach that deception and cowardice, and, the things he had begun to realise and tell me about that came from his own IC. I had to admit that his engagement in this, and his small revelations about himself, was a moving forward; she said, well, that takes some form of courage, to look within and begin to talk about those darknesses. It did not mean that he was courageous, but, that he seemed to have the willingness to face himself, and that has to call up some personal courage. So I have him " budding courage". But that was it. It was eye opening. It led me to think about the fantasy part of every relationship start, and how we don't notice the transitions in relationships toward the space in which we get on with living together, and how often, we retain the fantasy perceptions of the other because each the other holds back our vulnerable self, and we do not communicate. She then gave me links for two TED lectures by a researcher who studies vulnerability, Brene Brown. When I was talking by phone later with WH, I sent him the links and said, lets each watch these, and then we'll talk again. The talks, each 20 min videos, are pretty incredible, and we talked for a couple of hours afterward. Please check them out:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
I am better and stronger today. I have eyes wide open. I need myself to accept what is lost forever, and really think about what life will be like with the mended china cup, if we succeed in the mending.
ME: 63 BW
HIM: 62 EA & PA, ten months (madboomer)
Married: December 24th, 2013; he started the A in the months before wedding
D/Day: June 3rd 2014 (karma bus ran them over on OW birthday); NC June 4th 2014
Just sad all of the time
