SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry to read that your DD is going through this.

She sounds like she may already have the answers for herself. While the pain of betrayal is horrible, at least she knows what he is like.

the best thing you can do is just be there for her while she sorts it all out.

They are not married and do not have children. It is different than being married, having children and ties financially.

My reaction would be to leave him. Plain and simple. Even if it was one time (and I have a hard time believing it with distance involved), there is distance involved and it will be hard to get over/past it without being able to see each other.

It does hurt tremendously to see your daughter get her heart broken. That part I can relate to.

Sendign up prayers for her. Give her a big bear hug from us at SI.

keep us posted.

I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said, hon. Sending you both comfort and strength. (((((((Mrs. D's DD)))))))

Thanks for all your responses guys. DD hasn't confronted yet as she is still too upset.

And a gaaaah- she is talking about forgiveness as she has seen how her dad changed from 'cheating ass loser' to 'model husband!!'

Although, she IS stating that forgiveness would only happen if he admits everything!

She's clued up and realises he has FOO issues as his family never show love!! Breaks his heart apparently (boo yah I say - that's NOT an excuse/ green light to cheat!!)

Sigh!! I want her to ruuuuuun away as fast as she can.

Still, my heart goes out up her and it's hard to stay impartial when you're listening to her cry herself to sleep.

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 2:03 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Sigh!! I want her to ruuuuuun away as fast as she can.

(((HUGS))) I know. But it's not that simple as you know.

As I noted in my previous post, she may want to try to R...and it may or may not fail. Support her either way.

I know this is so hard for you to watch and you also feel helpless. But just being there for her means more than you know. You're doing great!

The latest

She confronted and he denied, denied and said it was all a joke and that he said it to look big in front of his mates!!

She asked for a lie detector and he said he couldn't afford it (lie) then said they cost a lot of money (so what!) then said he thought him taking one would sully their relationship (too effing right as you's fail!) then said he would do anything to save things. She asked for all his passwords and he gave them with no fight... she saw the conversations again and he said it was just bravado!!

I said he is lying BUT she says she needs proof before she ends it and says she wants to believe he is telling the truth ....citing the fact he immediately gave he all his passwords and let her mooch around all his stuff right there while she looked!

She also told him that the truth- no matter how awful would always be better than denial ...bless her.

My heart could explode for her as she is so deeply in love she wants to believe when I think she should run for the hills

I have talked at length with her and now need to back off and see how this pans out I guess

Funny thing is that FWH is ADAMANT she knows only a portion of what cheating has occurred!! And he says she needs to dump him and walk away and that he will never change his mind about that even if she does stay with him!

And now I am triggering all over the bloody place!!

Infidelity- keeps on giving!!!

LaLagirl

I know this is so hard for you to watch and you also feel helpless. But just being there for her means more than you know. You're doing great!

Thanks for this-I don't feel as though I am doing so well as triggers are clouding my judgment somewhat as I think he is a serial cheat so I needed to hear it right now.

ETA I think that DD partner is ...not FWH. (FWH had a one time forgiveness- if there'd been more than one R was not on the cards!!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 10:59 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

She confronted and he denied, denied and said it was all a joke and that he said it to look big in front of his mates!!

Good lord, straight out of the WS Lines of Bullshit Manual.

Sweetie, she is going to figure this out eventually...and it's going to hurt like hell.

God I wish I could smack the ever living shit out of that sonofabitch!

Do you or your H have any plans to speak with him - to perhaps "enlighten" him on what his best course of action should be? If he has any love for her at all, he needs to come clean, because then there may be the possibility of R; if not, she's done...and you may want to let him know that she WILL...it may not be right away, but she will...and sharing your experiences with him may give him the push that he needs. Just a suggestion.

Hugs...

Edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:02 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]

She confronted and he denied, denied and said it was all a joke and that he said it to look big in front of his mates!!

Good lord, straight out of the WS Lines of Bullshit Manual.

Yup! You can see that... I can see that... and I have even told her that... but she still wants to believe him!

Sweetie, she is going to figure this out eventually...and it's going to hurt like hell.

I wish she would just end it now and save herself that heartache!

God I wish I could smack the ever living shit out of that sonofabitch!

I umm-ed and aah-ed about whether to post this in R which is where I usually frequent.. but thought some people might wanna vent and I didn't want to stop them from doing so!

FWIW- I SOOO wish there was a 'Willing to smack the son of a bitch or low down ho' Forum as I would gladly spend some airmiles on that one!! (Sorry, DS & Gang- I'm not really advocating physical violence!!! Honest )

Do you or your H have any plans to speak with him - to perhaps "enlighten" him on what his best course of action should be? If he has any love for her at all, he needs to come clean, because then there may be the possibility of R; if not, she's done...and you may want to let him know that she WILL...it may not be right away, but she will...and sharing your experiences with him may give him the push that he needs. Just a suggestion.

My FWH would kill him and I don't want to interfere unless she gives me permission to do so.

She has gone out with her girlfriends to let of steam but she sent me a text saying she didn't know which way to go.... then asked if it was wrong to stay with him while she worked on falling out of love with him!

She has gone out with her girlfriends to let of steam but she sent me a text saying she didn't know which way to go.... then asked if it was wrong to stay with him while she worked on falling out of love with him!

While I would not say it's "wrong," per se, it is not going to make her fall out of love with him; if anything, it will make it harder for her to end things IMHO.

Poor thing, she's so lost and confused. Perfectly (but unfortunately)normal, no matter if she's 22 or 82.

Can you direct her here? Not that you are not doing a good job in helping, but she can get "unbiased" opinions here and it won't appear that you are encouraging her to leave him because you're her mom and have a great deal of emotional investment in this sitch, KWIM?

Ok. Let's say he was talking big in front of his mates.

That's a red flag right there.

A few actually.

First, that it matters so much what others think of him.

Then that he would speak so disrespectfully about a woman.

And to be so dismissive of his relationship with your DD.

Also, a disdain for the sanctity of M, based on the fact his target was a MW.

There's the immaturity aspect of someone in a committed relationship trying to bluster to his buds.

Finally, there's the overall problem of poor boundaries. With his friends, the potential OW and relationships in general.

If your DD was so careful picking a potential partner, she needs to take all of this in account if she chooses to give him a second chance.

ETA- I wish someone had talked to me about issues like that before I M MrH. He never said anything so crass once we started dating- AFAIK. all of those were red flags behaviors and attitudes that eventually meant to cheating to various degrees through our M.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 2:51 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]

And now I am triggering all over the bloody place!!

(((((Mrs. D))))) Of course you are, hon. I hope Mr. D is helping you with this.

Strength to you and your DD.

I want to second everything Holly-Isis said. He has problems; I wouldn't be neutral about this if it were my daughter. He needs to seek out IC and the Lie Detector test she asked for. And an STD panel from which he will hand her the results.

If he values her so little he will not do these things, does she then value herself so little that she would still be with him?

Yes, I know she is in the bargaining phase with herself right now..."Maybe this isn't so bad"...we have all been there, but the sooner she starts to think about what she really has in this guy, the better for her decision-making process.

I hear you all. I am right there with you. He is wrong on EVERY level and I know he is.

I guess my 'reticence' at taking a hard line is the fact that she will then view me as mom - trying to run her life over mom- who was cheated on so is trying to protect her. It's a tough call I guess trying to guide as opposed to telling her she's making a huge mistake ......

The dumb thing is.... I didn't even think to guide her here! Smacking palm to forehead right now

I shall do so as soon as she gets in.

If anyone can show her the truth in a gentle yet direct way it's you guys

I thought maybe you didn't want to share the space where you let out your thoughts, but if you are OK with it, I think leading her to SI would be a blessing. I have learned so much here, and often wished someone had given me the wisdom of all this experience when I was younger. So many red flag relationships (not just romantic ones) that I would have dealt with better if I had known better.

This must truly be so hard for your family. I get so upset hearing the stories here of people I don't know...it would be so hard if it were your own child. You have a good relationship if she turns to you for things like this. As awful as it is, that is one good thing that I see.

Ding! Ding! Ding! To what Holyisis said. Even if by some miracle he didnt physically get with that lady his choices were horribke and soooooo disrespectful to your DD. Sooo disrespectful. I couldnt plan a marriage with or be in a marriage with a guy that talked like that about other women when I wasn't around. Those are his true colors. Saying a prayer for her for guidance and wisdom.

she is talking about forgiveness as she has seen how her dad changed from 'cheating ass loser' to 'model husband!!

I think that your fWH should *take point* on this one instead of you.

He may be able to get through to her much moreso than you.....he may be better able to explain how lame the excuse to not take the lie detector is, he may be better able to explain that the offering of the passwords is not a total panacea (and even better -- under the circumstance -- if MrD had post-Dday issues so that he can explain how easy it is to just create a new email account or whatnot). He also may be able to get your DD to understand that *real* and worthy men do NOT talk about women in the way that her fiancee was and get her to see how completely disrespectful that is.

I see exactly what Holly saw as far as the disrespect angle goes, and that doesn't bode well for your DD's future with this guy.

I don't know why exactly, but I think that you should step back and just be a shoulder to cry on. I think that your fWH will be able to have much more impact in getting your DD to see and get out of this situation than you will.

The situation that you are facing with your DD brought back a long ago memory:

My older sister was dating a guy for 5 years, without question the relationship was heading towards M.

She found out that he cheated. Naturally, she was devastated. He tried to woo her back. I remember telling her not to go back with him; he wasn't worth it and she deserved so much better. She ended it. He wanted to meet her to return some of her belongings. I assured her that it was best not to meet him. I showed up to collect her belonging and to let him know what a POS he was.

Many years later, my sister (who was M) ran into this shit head and learned that he had been M but was D. She immediately asked, "Did you cheat on her?"

ANSWER: YES.

My sister was very thankful for the decision that she made, so many earlier, to leave his sorry ass. She remains happily M (29 yrs) to a guy she met just a few years after she ditched "Mr. cheating Loser"

I am sorry for the hurt, upset, sadness you are witnessing in the one you love so dearly...oh, the agony of that!

Wishing for your DD the insight and wisdom to make the right decision.

She's so torn. She's is reasoning and bargaining at the moment!

To watch her crying still breaks my heart.

She has agreed to come here and seek impartial advice and is just awaiting approval to join SI.

Why oh why don't mothers get given a magic wand? Surely that's a better alternative in a situation like this to the (blunt) machete I keep fantasising I could buy!!?

She has agreed to come here and seek impartial advice and is just awaiting approval to join SI.

I am SO glad to hear that! Just give her a heads-up that sometimes our advice comes off harsh/direct, but it's because we've BTDT and we genuinely care.

Why oh why don't mothers get given a magic wand? Surely that's a better alternative in a situation like this to the (blunt) machete I keep fantasising I could buy!!?

I know, right?

You are doing great under the circumstances...frankly, i envy you; I don't know if I could have such restraint.