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Well here I am again and I actually think the fact that I'm writing this is WORSE than the day I found out about her A. DDay for us was 4/4/14. She told me that she had broken it off a week or so before and I had no reason to doubt that. She told me she had no further contact with him. I had no reason to doubt that. She decided that she needed to finish her last month of her overseas employment so she went back without any work on our part other than to SAY that she wanted to R. I sent him a very clear NC letter because she didn't want to "hurt" him. She comes back from overseas and we immediately go to look after her family who are having some problems, again we don't do anything towards R other than I'm now taking IC. We come back from the family issues and she immediately has to attend a training course that easily could have been postponed but it was for "her" benefit so off she goes for another three weeks. Well, yesterday I went to pay her cell bill and I find out that after DDay, when she had told me they had no contact, there were 11 calls from her to him - so they spoke at least 11 times plus who knows how many tesxt messages (she had 3900 that month but it doesn't show the numbers). So I call her out on it and not only does she get pissy about being busted but she also informs me that he's called her twice last week. She did say that she told him that she could no longer speak to him and hung up. We had a deal that if he contacted her she would tell me - but she wasn't going to I know that for sure. Anyway, I left him a pretty direct voice mail telling him to stay away from my family and that his calling her was harassing behaviour and it would be reported if it continued - well that's when he emailed me to tell me she called him and they "talked." He "leant her an ear" that she needed "someone who understood what she was going through." So now it comes out - she now has to admit to me that she did speak to him and that she did confide in him. I'm losing my effing mind here. We have a MC session scheduled for next week, she comes home from her course tonight and I've told her that as far as I'm concerned there's really not much left of our relationship. I only had one or two deal breakers and NC was one of them. I am devastated all over again. What do I do now ...

you back up your words with actions. you said breaking NC was a dealbreaker. File for D.

I know that you're hurting, but you're dealing with a wife that gives you no respect. You can't reconcile without that. Don't even bother contacting her either. Just have the papers ready when she gets back. Then tell her it would be better if she moved out. Since she has no problem betraying you and lying to you, it would be best if she moved on.

You need to do this for YOU. But the added benefit is that it may shock her into reality. If it doesn't you haven't lost much.

Please! don't beg and whine. that always fails. People respect people who respect themselves. In particular, wayward wives do not respect weak, indecisive, begging husbands. They see it as pathetic. So please, do not set yourself up for that.

You gave dealbreakers, she obviously didn't care about them. Back your words up with actions. I really believe that's the only way they will learn to respect you.

Once she respects you, you may have a chance at saving your marriage. But I also think that you should really consider whether you want her anymore.

best of luck

Im curious as to why you thought you had "no reason to doubt" her after dday?

Your WW had/has shown you she is capable of great deception.

This is a common mistake BS's make on dday, and afterwards. This is your wife. You want to believe her. After all..you *know* her so well,right? Except she had just shown you you don't know her as well as you thought.

You told her it was a dealbreaker. Follow through. She might pull her head out of her ass and find remorse. She might not. Either way, you're better off than you are now.

Also, at the very least this has been an EA since dday. The calls, the texts, the confiding. This is more than broken NC. This is an EA.

She wasn't going to tell you about his calling her...she had a week to do so.

And threatening the OM with harassment is a baseless accusation. She isn't being harassed. She is welcoming contact, and making contact all on her own. The police won't do anything about it...she is an adult..and she is choosing contact. Over your marriage. And THAT, my friend, is all the reason you need to file for D.

Im so sorry.

That's great that YOU'RE doing all the work (going to therapy, writing NC letters, etc. etc.)

What's SHE doing?

Deal breaking condition happened = follow through with filing for D. Really, it is just that simple, and yes, I have been in your shoes and fully understand all of the emotions. You will feel glad/relief that you did not allow her to "get away" with it, that you stood by your word and decisive action was taken.

She is openly disrespecting you, gaming you, and continuing to lie. You know what to do, now lets get the ball rolling.

soulshattered....I hear you buddy. So sick of bullshit is such an appropriate topic. These freaking waywards are such pains in the asses!!! I am a loyal, loving person and care about my family. It is not in my nature but I need to be selfish and file for divorce to start a new life. It is hard though when my little one draws pictures everyday of herself, mom, and dad together. I still love a smidge of my wife but I don't think it is enough to spend the rest of my life with her being happy.

I hear all of you loud and clear. I've told her that there's nothing left to hold onto now so she can have whatever life she thinks is on the other side of the fence - NOW she's starting to feel the ramifications of what she's done. Typical day late and dollar short response ... This really sucks

Yeah, they are such selfish assholes.

Oh gee, now you want me back honey? Super, smashing..... fffffuuuu$$$$$$****** you!!!!!

Infuriating to say the least.

Like Mike said "Back it up". Filing doesn't mean you're getting a divorce. Filing means that you are drawing a line in the sand and she has the time to turn it around between now and then with NC and full transparency. You have to be prepared to do it though or you're going to lose your insanity if you allow her to continue with this behavior.

R and healing takes a good 2 years, even more..If she is interested in R and being with you because she wants YOU more than the home and hearth you can provide her, she will have no problem with divorce..Protect yourself..Then you two can date and rebuild a new relationship with the legal protections of D already in place..

that she needed "someone who understood what she was going through.

That is very common. Affair partners are very much like partners in crime. And of course the WS is so alone and no one can understand her and what she has done.

It is nothing more than more of the same. Someone who will tell them exactly what they want to hear. And that is that they did nothing wrong.

The WS really hates to hear the wrongs they did do and the hurt they caused. Which is odd, since they knew it was hurt their spouse anyway. Then they hate to hear about it.

Amazing she never thought you would look at the phone bill.

Make sure now she doesnt find more secretive ways of contacting this OM. Like a burner phone, etc.

definitely back it up soulshattered.

There is a temptation to immediately forgive when a WS gives you a crumb of recognition and remorse. Don't take it. Don't reengage until you get everything you need. Otherwise she will immediately go back to what she was doing. She gave you a pat on the head, you're now back in line, and she will go back to doing exactly what she was before.

Don't let up until she is snot-blubbering, crying, mascara running, begging for forgiveness. And, most importantly, ready to go NC, and give you full transparency. Anything short of that is just more games.

Good. Stay strong. Give her a vision of how the future is gonna be. Sorry this worked out like this. But you will in the end be so much better off, but it is not going to be easy that's why we are here.