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On D-Day, I sent OBS a message on Facebook about the online affair between WH and AP. A few days later, AP began posting a blog and included a post that detailed her EA with my H. She also mentioned having to hide her pain from her H (OBS). That immediately got me thinking that either she intercepted my message, or she gaslighted her husband.

I've been wanting to contact OBS for a while, WH kept hemming and hawing about sending AP a formal NC letter, so I was delaying for that. Today, tho, the shit hit the fan. On D-Day, when WH sent AP a NC text, he instructed her to block him on Facebook. Today WH and I were fighting about a message in his Facebook archives and whether or not it had come from AP (the msg was over a year old). I unblocked AP on WH's FB account to see if that would show her name as the sender of the message. It didn't and I think the message may have been SPAM. But it's from pre D-Day, so it's really a moot point anyhow.

We can't reblock AP on FB for 48 hours (grrr, wish I'd known that), but I decided to search for her and see if she'd really blocked WH. She hadn't. I was done. Actually, I think I looked at WH and said, "That's it, she's done. I'm calling her husband and I'm calling her mother." I grabbed OBS's work phone number and called him at the gas station where he works. The poor guy was working the counter, ringing up customers while listening to me tell him all about his wife's lies.

She totally gaslighted him. He got my messages, but she lied to him about everything and he was too much of a chump to go through her computer. So I filled him in on their affair, that they had exchanged gifts (they are very poor and she spent $$ on WH), that she had a blog about how in love with WH she still was, that she told WH she'd had a previous A which was a PA (Actually, I was crude and told him that his wife sucked some guy off, but hey, I couldn't help myself). I also let him know that she had started broadcasting herself on a live webcam site. He kept calling me Ma'am. *sigh* *lol*

I told him I was going to contact her mother as well. He asked me not to do that. I told him that as long as she does not contact either me or WH, I would not, but that if she did -- all bets were off. I repeated that to him very clearly, SEVERAL times. And then I ended the call.

Within about an hour of my call to OBS, AP started deleting all of her photos off of her porn site. WH and I went out and when we came back, she had contacted BOTH of us on Facebook and sent an email to WH's former email address (that I now monitor). She wanted me to call her or her husband. I'm not sure what I yelled, but it wasn't pretty and certainly not something I would repeat in church.

I called her and when she answered, I said, "Is this this whore?" and she didn't say anything. So I repeated myself, "Is this the f-ing whore?" and she said "yes, I guess it is."

She and I talked for about 30 minutes. I was mean to her about 20 of those minutes. I told her that I had told her husband that if she contacted us, I would contact her mother. Her husband didn't tell her that, just that I was going to contact her mother. I told her he set her up. She told me that WH had contacted her thru the porn site back in March (about 2 weeks after D-Day) and she sent me print screens of the messages. After reading them, I do not think they were actually from WH. (Typing style and wording do not match his) I think they were from someone who read her blog and was trying to get her phone number or was just f'ing with her. For the first 4 - 6 weeeks after D-Day, I had continued to question WH about his need for closure. If he had wanted to contact her, he could have done so with my knowledge at that time and he didn't. So I believe WH.

Anyhow, I told her that if there is any further contact, I will send her mother the video I have of her spanking herself (yes, really). She and her husband are separating now that he knows the truth. WH tells me I spent the next 10 minutes being a life coach. I advised her to turn off her computer, stop posting porn pics, and get out into the real world. I told her that if she can't afford a counselor, she can probably find one that will work within what she can afford and that she desperately needs counseling. I told her she probably thinks I'm a huge B, but that I was telling her this as one human being to another.

I feel so much better about everything right now. I'm so very much NOT a conflict avoider and I think that's one of the problems I've been trying to deal with. Today I put on my bitch boots, waded into their dysfunctional relationship and blew it up. I have to admit, it felt good.

You DO rock, and I'm proud of you!!

I had to laugh at you acting life a life coach. I did the same thing. I got to sit down one day and talk to both OW. The main one was a woman young enough to be my daughter. I told her that I knew her own mother hadn't been a good role model to her, (she dated married men, too) and that as a mother myself, I felt it was my duty to tell her that what she'd done was wrong. It was selfish and destructive, and that if she ever has daughters, I hope she teaches them how to be better than she was.

It felt so gooooood!

That's it, she's done. I'm calling her husband and I'm calling her mother.

I love this _^^^^^^

So I repeated myself, "Is this the f-ing whore?" and she said "yes, I guess it is."

And this ^^^[[

I can just picture this..I'm contacting bs...and HER MOTHER you are awesome!!!! Oh but my favorite is, are you the whore? Yea I guess

I'm sorry. Maybe there's something redeeming in there but I could only read half your post.

You were freaking CRUEL to the other BS. He is just as much a victim of his WW and your WH as you are and here you invaded his work and rubbed things in.

I'm so sorry for him and so disappointed that another BS would take delight in rubbing salt into the wound.

That poor man.

ETA-

Besides not telling the BH in a compassionate way sooner, you also didn't go NC yourself. You pursued the OWs blog, then her FB page. So what if she writes about your WH? If she didn't block him? You can't control someone else's feelings or actions. You blocking her should be enough. We all get curious about the OP. We don't all invite the drama back into our lives.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:11 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

Well I read all of it..and agree.

Informing the other BS should be done with compassion.

I understand being thrilled that her husband knows...fuck that whore.

But that call shattered his world. And you could have been more gentle.

Also...You mention he was s chump...and he set her up by not telling her you would contact her mother. Maybe he left that tidbit out of hid confrontation because in the grand scheme of things it wasn't really important.

I'm glad you feel better...but down the road...after some time has passed, I think you will regret the way you delivered this message.

I hated having to call OBS at work. Unfortunately, this is the only contact information I had or could find for him. I tried to inform him immediately following DDay through Facebook, but felt that OW intercepted that message.

These people live half-way across the country and neither WH nor I have ever even met them in person.

I did not enjoy telling this man about the actions of his wife and my husband. I tried to be as kind to him as I could under the circumstances. I apologized to him for having to inform him this way. I apologized to him for having a whore of a husband who "deceived him in his marriage."

I am only 3 months out from DDay. My IC (and our former MC) has been encouraging of me to read OW's blog as a way of making me feel safe the WH has no contact.

Funny. Your portrayal doesn't sound kind. Sounds like you were digging into him. Given that you were angry, the little *lol* and "crude but oh well" attitude probably stemmed from that. Still- you gave him his d-day. At work. Didn't have him call back when he was on break or off or anything. You had to get your anger out right then I suppose and his was the victim.

As for your IC/MC- none of the good therapists I know of have told their patients to focus on someone else. Verify their spouses actions maybe. But focus on the OP? Never.

Why?

Because a good therapist understands cheating is about the cheater, not the OP. Someone with insight could have pointed out a blog could be the OW messing with your head. I know I could tell when the xOw2 was visiting my blog...once I knew she knew about it...and I posted stuff just to mess with her head. It happens frequently, I've seen OW use their Pinterest boards to mess with a BW.

Just because an IC tells you something doesn't mean obey. After all, xOw2's IC told her and alter MrH to "pursue their happy" through the A. Therapists are people. Usually damaged people as most counselors will tell you. Use good judgement about what actually heals and what keeps opening wounds. Obviously reading the OWs tweeny-angst-filled blog brought MORE issues rather than fewer.

I am the WH in this equation. I was sitting right next to BW through the entire thing.

She called him at work because it was the only way she knew of to get in touch with him. He did need to know. Could it have been handled differently? Sure. But haven't we all done things that, in hindsight, could have been handled a little more delicately? She was very polite to him and, with the exception of the "sucked some guy off" comment, she was very even and delivered the information in a matter-of-fact manner. There was no salt rubbing. In fact, she apologized several times, both for having to call him at his job and for having to deliver this news. Would he have called her back when not at work or on a break? Not likely. He wouldn't even give her an email address. When she first started talking to him, he was very resistant, stating that he knew all about everything and that they had "hashed it out". As the conversation continued, it became obvious that he didn't know shit about shit.

I really don't think the blog was a way to mess with anyone. I think it really was the words of someone who is unstable. I didn't actually read the blog, but had bits of it read to me by BW (always at my request, when BW told me about some of the things that were written). There was one particular post where she talked about her desire to start driving in my direction and show up at my home.

Did I want her to stop tracking AP online? Sure. It was the topic of several heated conversations. I was afraid that it was affecting her negatively. In the end, I decided that if it made BW feel better to stalk my AP online, it was fine. I never really cared about AP, so it was whatever to me.

Maybe he left that tidbit out of hid confrontation because in the grand scheme of things it wasn't really important.

Really? You wouldn't think that was an important bit of information? That reeks of a setup to me. He told her that BW WAS going to tell her mother and that's why she panicked and contacted us.

I'm glad that chapter of this whole thing is closed. Now I think we can really move forward with the healing process and make a good run at R.

I give my two cents.

1. You have to do what you have to do for your marriage and sometimes it gets down and dirty.

2. We do sometimes forget there are more than 1 victims in this circumstance, however you came across to him, and I am sure reading your post, you are typing with energy and some anger, and a little righteousness. Therefore it could be interpreted differently.

I found another penny.

3. You also did him a favor, and gave him the strength and encouragement to get out of a dangerous situation for him.

I hope you are able to close this chapter and move forward.

Sorry, but I have to agree with the others in that you handled this poorly. In trying to be gentle with you as you're only three months out. You are still way too focused on OW. She probably is a slut, but your H was the one who sought her out in the internet and engaged with her. Ruining her marriage and hurting her BS may feel good in the short term, but it changed nothing. You're still married to someone who lied and disrespected you.

There are millions of women on the internet just like her. If your H wants to, he'll find another. Focus on yourself. You can't fix your H or the OW. Think about the life you really want and if it's worth it to stay with someone like this.

I also agree that any good counselor would tell you to stop reading OW's blog. Once again focus on you.

The man had just been blindsided at work...told his wife was having an affair...told of a previous affair...and told she had a porn page.

Telling her your wife might tell her mom probably wasn't high on his list when he confronted her.

Of course he needed to be told. Absolutely. But there is a right way and a wrong way. Kindness compassion should be shown.

Perhaps it was just the way you worded your fist post .SadieMae...maybe you were very kind to him on the phone, but the wording of your first post didn't give that impression.

But the way you handled her was awesome!

You can't control her. Ok..She didn't block him on Facebook...but she can not block him if he blocked her first.....and you said you unblocked her to see...your husband must have blocked her first.

I'm glad you called her husband. He did deserve to know. It's concerning that you had put off contacting her husband because your husband was dragging his feet on writing a NC email. Why is that? Your husband says her husband needed to know..and he's glad you called. But...has he mailed her a NC email yet? Because unless HE tells her NC she may very well believe you are the new who wants NC, not him.

Commented redacted. Not helpful.

[This message edited by Want2help at 11:30 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

Gently, that is great that you feel better & all for getting the truth out, but you still have to deal with the fact that your hubby is a cheater. Lashing out @ the ow & her hubby will only feel good temporarily, staying with a cheater is continuous.

Actually, you can block someone on Facebook if they've blocked you. You just go into blocking in the settings.

I'm pretty pissed the OBS never told me. OW's BH was almost done divorcing her when my D-Day hit, so he knew for over a year without telling me.

Honestly, I don't care where I was or what I was doing or how he told me. I should have fucking been told. Even if he wasn't "compassionate" or "kind" about it, he should have at least told me.

I'm not sure that you guys are done yet. I think you need to turn over all your proof to the BH first and do your best to answer any questions he has. And THEN you can block and try to forget about both of them. But first you need to give him as much "proof" as possible so that he can make an informed decision.

And my ex did the same to me, trying to prevent me from believing the BH if he tried to contact me. I remember a couple months before D-Day my ex telling me that "some guy" was threatening to show me pictures of his car outside her house. I was like, "Well why the fuck was your car outside some chick's house?" And he came up with some bullshit about picking her up for work a couple times. Just ANOTHER red flag I missed, allowing him to gaslight me. But he tried telling me how "crazy" this guy was before he ever even contacted me, so I'm guessing that was what the OW in your case did. Since the BH never ended up contacting me, I wish I had known that my ex was already confessing something in a gaslighting and manipulating way..

I agree to try to have some compassion for this guy, so you need to give him a few days to ask any questions of you guys that he wants, and THEN you can block them and try to move forward.

I know you were hurting and mad. I am trying to understand but I'm afraid, I can't condone this either.

It was hard enough hearing about my husband's ONS...from him...through tears and apologies. I can't imagine hearing about it like this. I think your anger for her fuelled your need to hurt someone. And it should not have been him.

My heart cried for him when I read this. At some point, maybe a sincere apology from you to him would make the regret less...because you will regret this if you haven't already.

I thought you couldn't block someone if they had already blocked you. Because if you are blocked then that person doesn't exist on Facebook for you..So how can you block someone if you can't find them.

Maybe someone can clarify? For my own reasons, I'd like to know, not that I'm doubting you,SadieMae. But if I'm wrong then I have some blocking to do.

To block on Facebook:

From main page, click on the little down arrow at the top right-hand side of the page and go into your settings. On the left-hand side of the page, you should see an option for "Blocking", click on this.

You should see a section for "Block Users" and it says "Add name or email" if you know their email address that they use for FB, you can enter that, or you can enter their user name exactly as they have it on their profile, ie: Mary Sue Jones. Even if Mary Sue Jones has already blocked you, once you click on the "Block" button, it will open a new pop-up and list any and all Mary Sue Joneses on FB. Pick the one you need to block and voila, blocked. :)

he was too much of a chump to go through her computer

I'm not digging the way the other BS was treated.

As a BS, I would be crushed if treated this way. Many of us have been gaslighted. Being punished for our responses--or failure to respond--to infidelity is...just wrong. And it seems as though you approached him with the intent to cause pain.

I do feel that it was essential to tell this man his wife cheated, I think you did it in a noncompassionate and cruel way.

It is not this man's fault his wife cheated with your husband. He was treated as if it was.

Telling his wife that HER HUSBAND SET HER UP (by not telling her---when he was freaking REELING from the news of his wife's betrayal and MAY NOT HAVE REMEMBERED!---just mean. What purpose did that serve?

I'm glad you told him.

I wish you'd done it with empathy and kindness.

I disagree that SadieMae was cruel to the OBS. It was his WW who was cruel with her actions. SadieMae had already tried to notify OBS with a message, and he ended up being gaslit. Sometimes the truth is harsh, and it is cold. Honestly, OBS probably didn't hear the last half of the conversation, and it isn't our place to judge. OBS is the only person who can say how this effected him.

I was told by Dipshit STBX about his cheating after the cop who was questioning him wouldn't tell me what charges he was facing. I think I would have preferred to be told outright, rather than get the run around. Someone else would probably have preferred to be gaslit.

Anyway, good for you SadieMae if it made you feel better. You do rock!!!